ENN Gossip Blog

Damn that WL, stealing those priceless and valuable antiques!

*discreetly texts unknown accomplice to plant the famous and world-renowned bust of Anumia's bust in WL's private quarters*

Who would dare steal such things!? Not me, if that's what you're wondering. Clearly it's WL.
 
*contacts lethen*
Alright the bust is in, now you better promise my leth safe passage as long as we up the prices slightly
 
Vice President might actually be a polar bear

ENN recently submitted an Open Records request on Vice President Calvin Coolidge's EIA file, and what we found was absolutely mind-blowing. The Vice President, who everyone considered an iron-clad panda, might actually not have any panda lineage at all.

A copy of the report is below:

SUBJECT: Coolidge, Calvin
DATE: 07 August 1996
CLASSIFIED: 10 August 1996 by President Sopo S. Sopopopolis
LAST VIEWED: 27 September 2015 by Agent South West Leeds

On 14 July, 1996 Agent REDACTED was trailing subject Coolidge, Calvin while the subject was visiting his beach home in Spokane, Washington. Coolidge spent much of the 14th with an apparent friend, citizen Rachel Dolezar. The two discussed many things, including possible ways they could both alter their identities. Agent REDACTED was unable to hear all of their conversation due to a crying baby at the adjacent table, and the town drunk (who looked a bit like Lethen?) bellowing loudly at the nearby bar.

Coolidge appears on the 14th in a furry white coat. Not long after his visit to Spokane, however, he began sporting black blotches of color on his coat.

UPDATE on 10 August 1996: The agency has felt pressure from "upstairs" to not discuss or disclose this informatio.
Click to expand...

This report, verified as authentic by a Europeian conspiracy theorist and a former Goldenblock cafeteria aide, raises countless questions about Coolidge's species and his authenticity. Can we trust anything he has said?

That, dear reader, is for you to decide.
 
Fun fact: Europeia existed in 1996, apparently?
 
Not only does Calvin have issues identifying the gender of mates, apparently he can't keep his own identity straight :p
 
Calvin Coolidge said:
Sopo was our President in 1996? :p
Click to expand...
I am the eternal president.
 
Jorts Theme Park Grand Opening; HEM Mysteriously Absent from Forum

Following the continued success of Dolly Parton's Dollywood, actor and comedian Paul Rudd recently opened his new celebrity-owned theme part, "Jortopia," a celebration of all things jorts. Rides include the first-of-its-class zipper-line across the park, a drop tower called the Denim Drop, and a wooden rollercoaster called "Lose Your Jorts." The park's opening was well attended by jorts enthusiasts from across the globe.

In unrelated news, Supreme Chancellor HEM has been missing from the forums since the opening of Jortopia. "Hm, what?" Lethen said when we woke him at 4am for comment. "It wouldn't be the first time someone from Europeia mysteriously disappeared..." Ignoring the obvious mystery novel setup, this reporter decided to enjoy a piña colada by the beach rather than investigate further.
 
My attorneys have advised me to not comment. :ph43r:
 
Sopo said:
Jorts Theme Park Grand Opening; HEM Mysteriously Absent from Forum

Following the continued success of Dolly Parton's Dollywood, actor and comedian Paul Rudd recently opened his new celebrity-owned theme part, "Jortopia," a celebration of all things jorts. Rides include the first-of-its-class zipper-line across the park, a drop tower called the Denim Drop, and a wooden rollercoaster called "Lose Your Jorts." The park's opening was well attended by jorts enthusiasts from across the globe.

In unrelated news, Supreme Chancellor HEM has been missing from the forums since the opening of Jortopia. "Hm, what?" Lethen said when we woke him at 4am for comment. "It wouldn't be the first time someone from Europeia mysteriously disappeared..." Ignoring the obvious mystery novel setup, this reporter decided to enjoy a piña colada by the beach rather than investigate further.
Click to expand...
:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
*writes letter confessing to many crimes and corruption, pointing fingers, and naming names*

*addresses to Sopo and puts in mail*

*goes back to home waiting for hired thugs to make him disappear*

*they don't come*

*huh...goes back, retrieves letter, and burns it*

*no novel written*
 
HEM Laughing His Ass Of At The Beautiful Disaster He Created

Informants from the Palatium Manor have almost universally informed ENN that HEM Tiberius has been non-stop cackling since his resignation speech.

"He won't stop laughing," one of the manor maids reports. "He constantly has his television on E-SPAN, watching the various discussions of how to proceed. Sometimes he turns the TV up louder, and laughs harder."

People have come to the table with a wide array of opinions of who should replace HEM as Chancellor. Some have suggested Vice Chancellor Mousebumples as a natural fit, while others like Common-Sense Politics have suggested fresher faces like Kraketopia or Writinglegend."

"Sometimes we ask him what he thinks," The Palatium's Deputy Sauce Chef reports, "And he just keeps laughing. It's eerie, like something out of some slasher-killer movie."

Will HEM's amusement stop long enough for him actually to pack??

"Right now he's throwing all his shit in Lethen's room," An assistant curtain curator reports, "Not sure what Lethen is gonna think of that when he gets back from Bora-Bora."

##
 
You know, I feel like this is 100% accurate.
 
President allegedly lashes out over election result

According to sources close to ENN, President Writinglegend was furious over the results of last week's Presidential elections. Stewards aboard Euro Force One report that the President got increasingly agitated as the results rolled in, eventually assaulting his campaign manager Bobby Rook.

Writinglegend's ire toward Rook has only increased over the election season. Goldenblock insiders say that the President was incensed when Rook was unable to deter a challenger to his bid — even if it was a "joke campaign."

"Writinglegend detests challengers," A Goldenblock junior staffer said on the condition of anonymity. "He prefers, by far, to be the only candidate on the ballot."

When Rook was unable to use political prowess to get Nick Sanguine out of the race, his mission turned to racking up the President's total as high as possible.

"The President didn't want [Sanguine] to get more than 10% of the vote. He wanted to demonstrate his electoral dominance in this election, and cement his legacy as the greatest candidate in Europeian history. Rook was supposed to crush him like a bug," the staffer went on to say.

But when the returns started coming in, it became clear that the President would win big — but perhaps not as big as he may have liked.

"Writinglegend just got madder and madder," a former Euro Force One stewardess (fired for drinking on the job) reported. "When it became clear that he would actually lose some rural counties out in King HEM, Mousebumples, and other nations he became incensed. He was screaming, throwing papers. He got up in Bobby Rook's face and grabbed his collar, yelling at him."

Bobby Rook previously served as newbie liason on Kraketopia's winning Presidential campaign in 2015, and deputy campaign chairman of Calvin Coolidge's losing re-election campaign last summer. His office has not returned requests for comment.

##
 
Kaboom to win a medal for WA work, Phdre, Rach and Pichto for journalism, Brunhilde, Notolecta and Kraken for service.

#AexMedalPredictions
 
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