HEM Not Seen Since Opening of Jorts Theme Park in Summer 2016
Following an initial report of Paul Rudd's Jortopia
opening in June 2016, HEM remains missing in action.
"Look, this guy has ridden 'Lose Your Jorts' every morning for 18 months and hasn't lost his jorts even once," revealed Carl, a rollercoaster operator at the park. "He's a legend around here."
Carl showed us a photo album of novelty scream-pics depicting HEM on the ride each day since the park's opening. At the beginning, the photos are intense, but as the days drag into months, HEM begins to do other things while on the ride. One photo from two weeks ago reveals HEM doing his taxes. All the research for
Does It Matter When Presidential Candidates Post Their Platforms? occurred while on the coaster. "You'd think the drops would through him off, but his resilience is incredible," added Carl.
Down at the corn dog stand, we found Lethen waiting in line. "Yeah, he keeps telling me to meet him at the park, but I've never actually been able to find him," bemoans Lethen. "He always has some excuse for why he can't get off the 'Denim Drop' and come talk to me. After all these years, I just want to meet the man behind the jorts."
In order to fund his daily amusement park visits, HEM has begun to work for Jortopia as its mascot, "Blake Jortles," a football-throwing, life-sized pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately for our founder, he's constantly sacked by loitering teenagers who then upload the videos to YouTube. This week, "Dumb Mascot Tackle" reached one million views.
One thing is for certain, HEM continues to juggle his responsibilities as Europeia's Chief Admin and Founder while living his dream.