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Today I'd like to talk about missing time.
By missing time I don't mean like missing time with friends and family or going out and doing things but rather missing time as in it was deleted entirely from your memory. I would wager all of us have days or weeks we cannot remember out of trauma or out of a desire to forget. In my case, I specifically want to remember but I just can't. It is almost like it deleted itself entirely from my brain.
I am speaking about the time between March 6th and April 1st 2023.
This would be roughly my first few weeks in the hospital.
The thing that was upsetting me the most about not being able to remember wasn't just the fact that I couldn't remember it but that my family and friends knew and refused to tell me what happened. I would ask what happened and they would change the subject or act like they didn't know what I was talking about. I was getting angrier and more paranoid that there was something wrong and they were keeping it from me.
So I pushed my best friend to tell me, because out of everyone she has never lied to me. She did try to hold out for awhile, but she eventually did cave and tell me what happened to me and to be honest I wish I hadn't asked.
This community knows I went into the hospital on March 5th, Prim and I believe Lethen tried to reach out to my family during this week to find out what happened to me since they knew I was sick. Which led to a hilarious conversation with my cousins Jennifer and Dawn about "Who the F "Prim" aka Prim's RL name was and how he knew me and I had to explain what Europeia and Nationstates was while doped up. 10/10 experience btw.
What I did not know was that on March 6th I was considered borderline dead because of dehydration and the pneumonia, so much so that I was rushed to ICU early on March 7th where my heart completely stopped and I completely coded out.
At one point, I was declared dead.
I was defibulated twice.
On March 9th I coded a second time, this time for just over a minute. I was defibulated a third time.
On March 11th I was seen by my family and friends for the first time with multiple IVs, breathing mask and the whole nine. I, a non-religious person, apparently asked my family to pray for me during this visit that I don't remember.
Sometime in Mid March, my best friend believes it was around the week of St. Patrick's Day, my CO2 levels jumped and my heart rated plummeted and they were worried I was going to code a third time and they were also concerned I wouldn't survive this time.
By early April I had recovered enough to be moved from the ICU to the Trauma/Step Down unit.
Guys I wish I knew how to end this with a happy note or something but to be honest learning all of that has thrown me for a loop and has definitely scared me even more. Yes I know I am still here and yes I know I should be proud or humble or grateful to still be here after all that but really I am just scared that I could go through all of that and not know.
By missing time I don't mean like missing time with friends and family or going out and doing things but rather missing time as in it was deleted entirely from your memory. I would wager all of us have days or weeks we cannot remember out of trauma or out of a desire to forget. In my case, I specifically want to remember but I just can't. It is almost like it deleted itself entirely from my brain.
I am speaking about the time between March 6th and April 1st 2023.
This would be roughly my first few weeks in the hospital.
The thing that was upsetting me the most about not being able to remember wasn't just the fact that I couldn't remember it but that my family and friends knew and refused to tell me what happened. I would ask what happened and they would change the subject or act like they didn't know what I was talking about. I was getting angrier and more paranoid that there was something wrong and they were keeping it from me.
So I pushed my best friend to tell me, because out of everyone she has never lied to me. She did try to hold out for awhile, but she eventually did cave and tell me what happened to me and to be honest I wish I hadn't asked.
This community knows I went into the hospital on March 5th, Prim and I believe Lethen tried to reach out to my family during this week to find out what happened to me since they knew I was sick. Which led to a hilarious conversation with my cousins Jennifer and Dawn about "Who the F "Prim" aka Prim's RL name was and how he knew me and I had to explain what Europeia and Nationstates was while doped up. 10/10 experience btw.
What I did not know was that on March 6th I was considered borderline dead because of dehydration and the pneumonia, so much so that I was rushed to ICU early on March 7th where my heart completely stopped and I completely coded out.
At one point, I was declared dead.
I was defibulated twice.
On March 9th I coded a second time, this time for just over a minute. I was defibulated a third time.
On March 11th I was seen by my family and friends for the first time with multiple IVs, breathing mask and the whole nine. I, a non-religious person, apparently asked my family to pray for me during this visit that I don't remember.
Sometime in Mid March, my best friend believes it was around the week of St. Patrick's Day, my CO2 levels jumped and my heart rated plummeted and they were worried I was going to code a third time and they were also concerned I wouldn't survive this time.
By early April I had recovered enough to be moved from the ICU to the Trauma/Step Down unit.
Guys I wish I knew how to end this with a happy note or something but to be honest learning all of that has thrown me for a loop and has definitely scared me even more. Yes I know I am still here and yes I know I should be proud or humble or grateful to still be here after all that but really I am just scared that I could go through all of that and not know.
I know you know this, but I'm going to keep saying this ... I'm just extremely grateful that you were in the right place where you could get the help that you needed to get you through all of that. I know having that lapse in time is scary and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but if the choice is not remembering a month vs. not being here at all, I am glad that you are still around to send me memes, silly birb pictures, and immaculate grid answers
You may not know how to end things with a happy note, but for me, that IS the happy note. Here we are 10 months later or so, and you're able to tell us about this and talk about it. I can't really think of a happier way to end a story talking about such scary health related things!
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I can see how that must be really distressing not to know what happened and then terrifying to hear what did. I can't even begin to imagine what an ordeal it all must have been, so feeling scared is more than valid as a response, but as Lloen said I'm just glad you've made it through the worst and we have our Obee <3
Lethen
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I know we talked about this privately before you posted, but this is so bananas and it must be so discomforting to know you have zero memory of this time. Do you think it'll ever come back?
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Honestly I don't know, my therapist thinks its less because of trauma and more because of the medicine I was given thats blocking it out. I hope that ill be able to remember some of it
Lethen
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I imagine some will come back
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*Blows the dust off*
Well it has been a bit since my last post and I thought I would pop by to let you folks know how I was doing and how I have been feeling lately. Since I've been back in the discord I've been neglecting to do updates so let me apologize for that real quick.
Anyway let me start off with this anecdote.
If you remember one of my last long posts it talked about how I died and I didn't know it on three separate occasions. I've begun to open up more to the fact that yeah, I really did die and somehow by the grace of whatever deity may be up there I am still here. I have also been joking about it to ease the hold it has on me. I was recently talking to my best friend, I will call him "Steve", not his real name but I don't like to dox my friends. Anyway, "Steve" and I were talking about how whenever I tell people that I died twice, someone, without fail asks "DIDJA SEE ANYTHING?!".
Truth be told, I didn't see anything. No rolling fields or family there to greet me, I saw black and grey.
Anyway, I took "Steve" to Applebees, our fav restaurant, don't judge, for a pre birthday lunch and across from us were an old couple. We got to talking and they asked about "Why is someone so young using a walker" and I told them oh yeah I was in the hospital 9 months, lost the ability to walk, nearly died. The wife goes "WELL DIDJA SEE SOMETHIN? NO? You gotta pray more".
It was funny to me, I waited until they left to lose my shit. I looked at "Steve" and was like "I told you".
So here's the good:
-Blood Pressure and Heart rate still normal
-I am still quite ambulatory and moving better and better each day. The Doctor and my Medicaid caseworker still believe that I will need either the walker or a cane for the rest of my life.
-Doctor is waiting until July to order updated tests like bloodwork and A1C, when I left the hospital in October my cholesterol, A1C and blood sugars were all normal.
-I've begun to make the other doctors appointments I've been neglecting.
Now the bad:
-After visiting the dentist I will need to have ten teeth extracted. A lot of these are already broken off at the gumline and need to be removed properly. As someone with ADHD I learned from my therapist that its not uncommon for people like me to struggle on making good habits and brushing my teeth was one I just never got. I try, I try hard but I've never gotten the habit and as a result this is what I've gotta do to start getting heart healthy.
-Doctor had to up my pain meds and believes the arthritis and sciatica is worse than previously imaged. There is talk of an MRI in my future to see how bad my hips and back are. Because of the weight and injury I suffered in 2006 the hospital told me there's a lot of damage back there but unsure how bad because the X-Ray I received in March and Nuclear Medicine in May wasn't thorough enough. Doctor and Pain Management believes that what I suffered through in 2022 wasn't a pulled back but rather ruptured or slipped discs. This could mean surgery in the future but we haven't crossed that bridge yet.
Well it has been a bit since my last post and I thought I would pop by to let you folks know how I was doing and how I have been feeling lately. Since I've been back in the discord I've been neglecting to do updates so let me apologize for that real quick.
Anyway let me start off with this anecdote.
If you remember one of my last long posts it talked about how I died and I didn't know it on three separate occasions. I've begun to open up more to the fact that yeah, I really did die and somehow by the grace of whatever deity may be up there I am still here. I have also been joking about it to ease the hold it has on me. I was recently talking to my best friend, I will call him "Steve", not his real name but I don't like to dox my friends. Anyway, "Steve" and I were talking about how whenever I tell people that I died twice, someone, without fail asks "DIDJA SEE ANYTHING?!".
Truth be told, I didn't see anything. No rolling fields or family there to greet me, I saw black and grey.
Anyway, I took "Steve" to Applebees, our fav restaurant, don't judge, for a pre birthday lunch and across from us were an old couple. We got to talking and they asked about "Why is someone so young using a walker" and I told them oh yeah I was in the hospital 9 months, lost the ability to walk, nearly died. The wife goes "WELL DIDJA SEE SOMETHIN? NO? You gotta pray more".
It was funny to me, I waited until they left to lose my shit. I looked at "Steve" and was like "I told you".
So here's the good:
-Blood Pressure and Heart rate still normal
-I am still quite ambulatory and moving better and better each day. The Doctor and my Medicaid caseworker still believe that I will need either the walker or a cane for the rest of my life.
-Doctor is waiting until July to order updated tests like bloodwork and A1C, when I left the hospital in October my cholesterol, A1C and blood sugars were all normal.
-I've begun to make the other doctors appointments I've been neglecting.
Now the bad:
-After visiting the dentist I will need to have ten teeth extracted. A lot of these are already broken off at the gumline and need to be removed properly. As someone with ADHD I learned from my therapist that its not uncommon for people like me to struggle on making good habits and brushing my teeth was one I just never got. I try, I try hard but I've never gotten the habit and as a result this is what I've gotta do to start getting heart healthy.
-Doctor had to up my pain meds and believes the arthritis and sciatica is worse than previously imaged. There is talk of an MRI in my future to see how bad my hips and back are. Because of the weight and injury I suffered in 2006 the hospital told me there's a lot of damage back there but unsure how bad because the X-Ray I received in March and Nuclear Medicine in May wasn't thorough enough. Doctor and Pain Management believes that what I suffered through in 2022 wasn't a pulled back but rather ruptured or slipped discs. This could mean surgery in the future but we haven't crossed that bridge yet.