Diary

[Olde Delaware]

I know what you're thinking, well maybe not. I know this doesn't have a thing to do with the military but its my paper so meh.

Unlike Leth's post in the square I keep going back to, this one will deal with my thoughts from everything I've been through the last few months. Everyone is free to comment if they wish. I'll try to remember to TW anything that requires it.

 

[Olde Delaware]

Have you ever burned bridges with someone? Imagine doing it while inside your head you're screaming at yourself to stop while you just keep doing it.

Thats how I look at my current situation and how I ended up out of eurochat again.

While in the hospital I nearly died three times. Some people only get one close call, a small fraction two but three? even my therapist said that's a miracle. I don't know if it was shock and its wearing off now or what happened or is happening to me and my brain or if it can be fixed or what I can do.

The psychological team at the hospital called it PTSD and made reference to my past and repressed thoughts and stress and other stuff and keep putting me on these medicines that seem to be making it worse. How many people take medicine then long for their butter knife to come to life? If you know of someone else have them call me.

I'm home from the hospital and I feel more isolated than ever despite so many people coming to see me. Home nurse, PT, OT, etc. I've tried to reach out to folks I know I attacked the hardest, most just never respond.

I don't blame them.

I reached out to folks who called themselves my friends or buddies and got told I was making them uncomfortable or asked me to leave them alone.

I won't lie, those ones really hurt.

I don't know how to get off this train that's quickly closing on a cliff.

 

[Lloenflys]

What you went through is unimaginable to me, and I am grateful to the doctors who were around to help you and the friends who you mentioned who were able to provide some support. I know that what you're going through now is tough, and I wish there was an easy way to help take that feeling away - obviously there isn't, but the advice I can give is to do your best not to give in to feeling isolated and alone even if it becomes more and more tempting to do so and even if everyone isn't in a place to be able to respond back or help provide support at any given time. There are definitely a lot of people who care about you, and who just want the best for you long term. There will be tough moments and times when it feels wore than other, but eventually you will get out of that tunnel you feel like you're in

 

[Seva]

You should know there are people who really do care about you. We and surely some people in real life are here for you and you are valued.

I agree with Lloen, other people have their own problems sometimes... you may be or feel alone in your problem but really everyone has stuff they need to get through and they are better off when they do.

Cling on to the things that make you happy, or find new ones. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make yourself see it

 

[Maowi]

I'm here for you to talk whenever, obee you are really strong. You're in a very difficult situation but I know you've got this

 

[Olde Delaware]

TW: Bullying

Europeia has a bullying problem and I'm tired of pretending it doesn't and hiding it behind the argument of "its a political game".

Europeia is a popularity contest on all levels. It's impossible to move up or down without making friends and if you make the wrong friend at the wrong time you're going nowhere. Have the wrong opinion, say this instead of that, etc. You know what I mean. I'm not just talking about citizens but also administration and administrators.

Especially moderators.

I'm lucky to have people who I call friends, especially dear friends that I've made from Euro like Lloen, Prim, Maowi and Sopo. These people id trust with my life, my money, my kid if I had one. In character I'm lucky to have friends like Dre, McEntire and Gleg and Mal.

I mention the in-characer folks because I look back at how many times I went to them asking them to read what I wrote to see if it was aggressive, hostile or out of line because for whatever reason those labels are attached to me permanently.

Imagine reading a poll where you're giving the job your absolute best, working your tail off, trying to be as pleasant and as fun and as motivated as possible for people to call you lazy, needlessly aggressive, hostile or any other synonym.

Month after month.

For years.

Even when you're literally not.

Thats the career I have to endure.

No matter what I do, no matter what I say. I need you to understand how this takes a toll on someone because it isn't right and it leads to OOC things.

I've been quiet about this for awhile but with Icarus sharing her truth on how she felt as a female player in Euro I feel like this needs to be addressed and not just pushed aside.

Administration needs to vet its moderators better and hold them accountable.

I found out during my first discord ban that Moderators were appealing to Prim, then AG to have me IC criminally charged for OOC offering links to my server.

Multiple Moderators.

Prim and others had to remind them that I was not breaking any laws.

These Moderators went to Admins who told them the same thing.

I made a OOC/IC post about why I felt I could no longer serve in the Senate, only to be publicly ridiculed for it and accused of making people uncomfortable and guilt tripping. Only for someone to make a similar post and be universally offered an ear and a shoulder to lean on.

The person making the accusations was at that time, a moderator.

Admins hide behind the excuse if political game so much its just gotten exhausting. I remember one time Maowi confronted an admin about the double standard of treating me like shit but treating someone else doing similar shit with kid gloves.

"Its a political game".

These conversations I pointed out above weren't made in a secret server or via DMs but done publicly in the Mod channel and at no time did Admins step in and shut the discussion down.

I dont know if its complacency or what but I'm sorry that's just wrong.

The bullying needs to stop.

 

[Vor]

I made a OOC/IC post about why I felt I could no longer serve in the Senate, only to be publicly ridiculed for it and accused of making people uncomfortable and guilt tripping.

The person making the accusations was at that time, a moderator.

That sounds terrible, when/where was this?

 

[John Laurens]

I agree that Europeia is a popularity contest. I believe that many would rather attack someone for being misinformed and be arrogant about it than mentor someone and help them be great and it makes it hard to be participate in the community.

I feel like this community has a lot of pretentiousness in its politics that makes me want to warn people to stay away from that aspect of the regions.

I won’t comment on the OOC stuff (though I see a lot of valid points), but I did want to touch upon how I’ve felt the same within Europeia from an IC level: ostracized and feeling like no amount of work I do will ever be enough

 

[Lethen]

No matter what I do, no matter what I onI made a OOC/IC post about why I felt I could no longer serve in the Senate, only to be publicly ridiculed for it and accused of making people uncomfortable and guilt tripping. Only for someone to make a similar post and be universally offered an ear and a shoulder to lean on.

The person making the accusations was at that time, a moderator.

Where was this?

Admins hide behind the excuse if political game so much its just gotten exhausting. I remember one time Maowi confronted an admin about the double standard of treating me like shit but treating someone else doing similar shit with kid gloves.

"Its a political game".

Can you point us to this? If anything it'll provide more context

 

[Lethen]

I won’t comment on the OOC stuff (though I see a lot of valid points), but I did want to touch upon how I’ve felt the same within Europeia from an IC level: ostracized and feeling like no amount of work I do will ever be enough

I do feel like the Constie and Nazi of it all does follow you around unfairly, personally

 

[Sopo]

I won’t comment on the OOC stuff (though I see a lot of valid points), but I did want to touch upon how I’ve felt the same within Europeia from an IC level: ostracized and feeling like no amount of work I do will ever be enough

I do feel like the Constie and Nazi of it all does follow you around unfairly, personally

Yeah, imo, you've more than proven that you've grown up since then.

 

[John Laurens]

I won’t comment on the OOC stuff (though I see a lot of valid points), but I did want to touch upon how I’ve felt the same within Europeia from an IC level: ostracized and feeling like no amount of work I do will ever be enough

I do feel like the Constie and Nazi of it all does follow you around unfairly, personally

Yeah, imo, you've more than proven that you've grown up since then.

I appreciate that a lot.

 

[Lethen]

No matter what I do, no matter what I onI made a OOC/IC post about why I felt I could no longer serve in the Senate, only to be publicly ridiculed for it and accused of making people uncomfortable and guilt tripping. Only for someone to make a similar post and be universally offered an ear and a shoulder to lean on.

The person making the accusations was at that time, a moderator.

Where was this?

Can't find this in the server and I've looked pretty exhaustively from mobile. If anyone else can look and find it, that'd be great.

Admins hide behind the excuse if political game so much its just gotten exhausting. I remember one time Maowi confronted an admin about the double standard of treating me like shit but treating someone else doing similar shit with kid gloves.

"Its a political game".

Can you point us to this? If anything it'll provide more context

Still need to track this down too

 

[upc]

I've been quiet about this for awhile but with Icarus sharing her truth on how she felt as a female player in Euro I feel like this needs to be addressed and not just pushed aside.

I appreciate you bringing this up.

Every member of our community deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. Recently we have begun having a very important discussion about making sure that our community is appropriately welcoming to members of marginalized groups, but you are no less entitled to that than they are. And to be clear, I don't think that anyone is suggesting that you aren't, but because you highlighted this as a concern, I wanted to quickly reaffirm that.

This is very disappointing behavior, and I am glad that admins have already popped in to look into this. All of our community members should be held to a high bar, but the people that we place in an OOC position of trust should face even stricter scrutiny. Behavior like this certainly shouldn't be ignored for months or years. I am sorry that you have had to deal with this.

 

[Lethen]

@Maowi can you help track down the above?

 

[Lethen]

Found it! Thanks Maowi. Interpret this as you will everyone. I'm not really sure this meets the same narrative as described above, but it obviously concerns me so I'm inherently biased:

https://forums.europeians.com/index.php?threads/senate-james-bond-resolution.10059144/#post-10368153

 

[Aexnidaral]

I won’t comment on the OOC stuff (though I see a lot of valid points), but I did want to touch upon how I’ve felt the same within Europeia from an IC level: ostracized and feeling like no amount of work I do will ever be enough

I do feel like the Constie and Nazi of it all does follow you around unfairly, personally

Yeah, imo, you've more than proven that you've grown up since then.

I appreciate that a lot.

If it makes you feel better I completely forgot you were Constie.

 

[Olde Delaware]

One of the more interesting things over the last seven months has been the fact I've lost an entire guy.

No you didn't read that wrong.

I lost the equivalent of a whole guy worth of weight.

I've always been overweight as long as I can remember. I never was skinny, even in the third grade I weighed 137lbs. I got bullied from preschool to high school over it and even one or two jobs IRL. Did you know being fat is not a protected class in America?

True story.

If you get harassed because of your weight at work, its not a punishable offense according to the EEOC.

I was unfortunately born with a deficiency of my MRAP2 gene. It regulates how we lose and gain weight, mine is stuck on. No matter what I do, what I eat, etc theres a good chance of putting on weight regardless of the diet.

Well at least that's how it was explained to me in 1998. Kids didn't care, explain to your bullies that fact while their telling you to kill yourself.

Remind me to come back to that point later.

Anyway I went into the hospital at 630lbs. I had a gut the size of Manhattan. I walked out, well got wheeled out of the hospital two weeks ago at 490lbs.

Thats 140lbs.

I look like a deflated Michelin man.

Seriously I am a lumpy bitch.

I have wings from the flab.

My clothes fall off! I look like I am swimming in my clothes.

I'm on ozempic, not diabetic but this shit really is a miracle cure. Imagine having no appetite, or rather eating breakfast on Monday and still being full from it at Tuesday dinner and that's what its like to be me now.

I look like a melted human popsicle.

I think once I have clothes that make me look normalish again ill feel better and make less jokes.

Oh who am I kidding, one more.

I look like I've molted my shell

 

[John Laurens]

I believe you have a natural affinity for writing and storytelling…. I’d love to see you try you hand at poetry

 

[Lethen]

I'm on ozempic, not diabetic but this shit really is a miracle cure. Imagine having no appetite, or rather eating breakfast on Monday and still being full from it at Tuesday dinner and that's what its like to be me now.

But you still need to eat for sustenance. Does that not impact the ozempic? Or is it a super appetite suppressant that works regardless?