The Peanut Gallery

The Peanut Gallery



Episode 1: Dead Snow​



OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING!



(A car spoiler for those of you who don't know.) :lol:

Hello, audience! On Friday, I watched the movie Dead Snow, directed by Tommy Wirkola and released in Norway on January 9th, 2009. It stars a bunch of Norwegian people I don't know or give a damn about, and it's about Nazi zombies! Seeing as how I play Call of Duty Zombies on my iPad pretty much every day, will be playing Call of Duty: Black Ops soon, and am obsessed with zombies in general, and of course, since this movie was free at the library, I decided to check it out. (Thankfully, it has English subtitles. :D)

Basically, this movie starts out with a bunch of Norwegian medical school students with forgettable names who are taking a scenic drive into the Norwegian mountains- specifically, they will be staying at a cabin with absolutely no cell phone signal and no clear markings for a path back to the cars. Oh, and for some reason one of them, I think it's one of the girlfriends, decides to ski across an icy lake. Of course, what could possibly go wrong? :p

It's off to a night of drunken merriment, weird Hollywood movie references, and Twister (not even kidding you), until an old guy barges in, asks for some tea, hates the tea, and then proceeds to tell them a ghost story. Turns out that right in this area a bunch of Nazi soldiers stole all of the town gold during World War II. Most of them were ambushed and killed by an ANGREH MOB gun.gif, except for Colonel Orzag and about 300 of his men, whom the villagers stopped looking for cause they were liek, "Meh, whatever. They froze to death. Who wants reindeer for dinner?" :lol:

Then, there are all of the usual Friday the 13th/Nightmare on Elm Street 80s horror movie tropes- "Don't have sex (while one of you is taking a dump) or you will DIE!!!!," "Fuck- the zombies are running?," "Beware the cursed Nazi gold that is somehow at the bottom of your cabin!," and "Only one girl will survive!"

And of course, who could forget the ever-loved chainsaw, joined by its friends the Trench Gun (my favorite gun in Nazi Zombies- yay shoutout! :D) and a .50 caliber machine gun that a guy somehow attaches to his snowmobile after patching up a wound to his throat WITH DUCT TAPE. Fucking DUCT TAPE! LMAOing :emb:

Plus, there is a lot, lot, LOT of gore, dismemberment, and sex/toilet related jokes to pad the entire movie's length. Normally, I would roll my eyes at all of this, because it's just so cheesy and overdone, but they manage to make it really, really hilarious. I'm not gonna give everything away, but it's the way that they play with all of these tropes so lovingly and in such unexpected and creative ways that will make this one of the great horror classics of the last decade.

Peanut Gallery Rating: :p: :p: :p: :p: :p: (out of 5)

Peanut Gallery Recommendation: Must Have!!!!

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Episode 2: Teeth​



OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING!



Hello once more again, audience! It's time to get to nut cracking (literally, as you'll see in a moment :p) with another episode of The Peanut Gallery. On Friday, I talked to Earth on MSN, and here's what she told me:

A Darker Past says (7:55:33 PM):Caitlin and I are watching 'Teeth' :p

Gustavus says: (7:55:42 PM)What's that about?

A Darker Past says: (7:57:42 PM):p a girl that has a teethy vagina.

Gustavus says: (7:57:55 PM)WHAT THE?! :eek:

A Darker Past says: (7:58:12 PM)LMFAO.

A Darker Past says: (7:58:13 PM)yep.

Gustavus says: (8:00:02 PM)LMAOROFL

A Darker Past says: (8:00:11 PM)it's so terribleee!!!

A Darker Past says: (8:00:13 PM)you need to see this!

A Darker Past says: (8:01:19 PM)seriously.
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So yeah, you basically get the idea. :lol: I didn't want to watch it streaming on Netflix for fear of upsetting my family (we share a Netflix account), so instead I found a link to it on YouTube for free and started watching last night at midnight (I was bored and was too tired to go to sleep :p). That link sucked eggs, to put it lightly. The audio was completely not in sync with the video and Part 5 was skipped completely for some reason. Then I found a second link- no, an entire CHANNEL on YouTube that only contained videos of Teeth. (I'll show it to you at the end.)

Anyway, technical issues aside, on to the actual movie itself. This debut from director Mitchell Lichtenstein (as in the country :lol:) begins with a pan shot of a nuclear reactor ten feet away from the protagonist's house- I shit you not! (Hmmm, that's not going to cause problems for anyone at all.) Meanwhile, a mom and dad are getting married, while what I think are a ten year old stepbrother named Brad and stepsister named Dawn play in a kiddy pool, with the stepbrother shouting, "I don't like her, goddammit!" and then getting bitten...;)

Several years later, Dawn is the leader of an abstinence group called "The Promise," and she's well-liked because she gets a bunch of little kids to agree that they should save themselves until they "trade in" a promise ring "for a golden one." Once again, I shit you not. Nothing hokey and Bible Belt-ish about that at all. :emb: Meanwhile, her stepbrother does pot, has tattoos all over his body, thinks abstinence is "bullshit" (actual quote :p) has sex with a random girl all the time, and is basically the bad boy whom the ineffectual dad and the terminally ill mom allow to get away with anything.

Then, one day, after a guy in her abstinence group that she wants to marry rapes her and, quite literally not knowing what he's getting himself into :creepy:, learns the hard way that love bites :p, Dawn discovers that she has "VAGINA DENTATAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" (Actual quote :p). This idea is not new. For those of you who don't know the myths that it is based on, check out this article. Hmmm, I wonder what could've caused that? Oh, it's definitely not that inconspicuous nuclear power plant that they show us EVERY FIVE SECONDS! :rolleyes:

You may think by now that I've given away most of the movie, but actually, I have not. There are plenty of gross scenes involving dismembered members, but most of the movie, as you have probably guessed by now, for a horror movie, it is actually unintentionally hilarious, not only because the characters are completely flat, their dialogue totally irrational, and their actions not believable for one second, but also because of the underlying and freshly original premise. Also working in the movie's favor is a strong lead performance from Dawn herself. I hope that the actress finds a better movie worthy of her talents. :p

Peanut Gallery Rating: :p: :p: :ph43r: (Yes, a ninja is half a llama in this system. Don't question my AUTHORITAH!)

Peanut Gallery Recommendation: Watch It and Forget It

Get it From:

United States





Australia



Europe



If you liked this episode of The Peanut Gallery, please post a comment letting me know what movie I should watch for next week! (Earth has already suggested "Thankskilling"- that should be fun. :p)
 
God these movies are terrible.
 
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