- Pronouns
- He/Him
Note: I wrote this article before I was also called 'crappy and trashy'. tl;dr, I stand by my words and the questions I posed to tne nominee.
I love to write.
As you can see by the fact that one of the first things I did when I came to Euro was start a newspaper on all things military, I just love to write and analyze things.
I also like talking to people about anything and everything. I am sure you have seen me in Eurochat, one minute a serious discussion on Firearms and the next laughing about my gray hair. I just love the people, I love just being around all of you.
I love that I can be me.
But recently, someone leveled an accusation of sexism at me. One that has never been made before, not in my real life, not in gaming, nowhere. I believe that this accusation was made not because the accuser believes me to be sexist but for one reason, they wanted to see what I would do when faced with such an accusation, would I lash out and prove them right or take the high ground and defend myself with like an adult. I 100% believe in my heart of hearts that this person did so because they knew I had a history of self immolation and were hoping that the problem would just go away with me looking like the fool and themselves looking like the stoic angel.
Well, unfortunately for that person I am not going to go away nor will I give the satisfaction of blowing myself up, those days are long gone.
But I believe Euro should know more about me and why I believe the accusation was leveled and for that we must go back well over a decade.
It was 2004 when I first received my invite to Nationstates, a political game I was in created a region and it was a fun little pastime. While we argued in game about Iraq and WMDs there was NS with its issues and no real stress. Over time, everyone kinda drifted away but I stayed and even became UN Delegate of Delaware, back when it was UN and not WA. I didn't really stick with it, I didn't really care enough about it. Politics for me was of the U.S. variety pre-Trump. In 2005 I logged into my nation and discovered I was in one of the pacifics and it was there I saw an invite for a region called Great Britain and Ireland which I joined. It was so cool, it was a fun looking region and I was eager to get my hands dirty.
One thing that they don't tell you is that the blunt attitudes and stuff that works on an American game doesn't carry over to other games. So when I tried to act like I did in American games, it came off as rude, blunt, brash, etc. The more I tried to fit in and get elected to things and earn positions of trust the worst it got. The ruder I got, the angrier I got because I was feeling slighted which led to arguments, always because I did something stupid or said something stupid. The more people didn't like me or otherwise thought I was a jerk, etc. To me, I was doing what was natural because this is what got you ahead elsewhere. Almost everywhere else, being rough, being blunt, being stubborn and standoffish got you elected as Leader, respect, etc. The fact that I got anywhere acting the way I did in GBI is nothing less than a miracle.
I look back on the time I spent there as both a blessing and a curse, a blessing because I got to meet some wonderful people who I can still call friends to this day and a curse because there is no chance of making a good first impression for those from that region who continue to play the game today.
When GB&I died, most of who were left moved onto TNI and for the first 4 years the same problems I had in GB&I became even more pronounced in TNI, with the exception that my RL also began to slide. As you know, my friend committed suicide in early 2010 and then my mom who I have talked about often began having major health issues from 2010 onward. I was in a deadend job and had just broken up with my fiancee of 4 years. I started lashing out at people in TNI for RL things. Like, if you are fighting with your friend and you yell at your parents or significant other for it. They didn't do it, but the other person isn't here to yell at.
It's not right nor should you put their mistake on them. I fell into this deep depression, It was just getting worse and angrier and angrier at everyone for everything, for reasons that weren't their fault. It finally came to a head when I lashed out at someone in TNI, I forget who with info that was told to me in confidence from a friend to try to get them back. The fallout from it was bad, in my head I was yelling I didn't care, I just didn't care and I pulled a Cartman and just left.
I cared.
I cared a lot.
It took walking away from TNI and all of the games and things I do on the internet to realize that I was building myself up to be this martyr of nothing, blaming everyone for my mistakes, incorrigible and in such a deep depression because I had no one to blame for any of this but myself.
I took the time away and got to know exactly who I was and what I was and why was I doing this and how could I stop it in the future and that meant coming to terms with things that were out of my control such as the passing of my dad in 2003 and the suicide of my best friend in 2010. It meant coming to some kind of peace with my past of being bullied and harassed as a kid to the point of near suicide. It meant getting some kind of help for my addiction to the internet which I got because I wouldn't come to peace with the losses I mentioned. I dumped the negative presences in my life and cut a lot of people from my life as a result and I took the year away as the year of me. I traveled, I fell in love with military things again which was a hobby my dad and I shared. I went to museums and historical sites, some of these for the first time alone because I was always scared and anxious because I was worried about if someone were making comments about me or my weight.
I worked at a few jobs, I was a Loss Prevention Manager for a store and then I did some seasonal work to help pay my way through my year of me. It just felt like I finally had a chance to let myself be me. To be the person I always wanted to be when I was a little kid, I got to have some fun and see the world and no one cared what I looked like or who I was, I was just another traveler on the road.
When I came back to NS it was because I saw a link to NS on a friend's facebook and I figured why not see whats going on. When I went back to TNI I was a different person than I was a year ago.
I was just me and it took me 8 years to realize thats all I ever had to be.
I took another year off after TNI and took care of my mom and worked a full time job but a bored night got me thinking about NS again and that's where I found Albion, then Alexandria and finally Europeia. I was hesitant about rejoining as some of the times I was here was when I was at my worst. In the middle of the worst. But I took a chance, I hoped that I would be accepted and that the past could finally be put behind me and let me just say I 100% cried when I was approved to rejoin Europeia. While nothing like GBI or TNI happened in Euro, some of those people I mentioned are here and the fact that the region accepted me just took weight off my shoulders that hadn't been lifted in years.
I love it here, without a doubt and bar none I love this region and its people. I love telling stories and jokes and meeting new people, debating and having fun and I see when you guys say "Oh no OD's telling a story". I'm sorry if I annoy you though, I just really love it here and I love that I can be me and not have to put on an act or try to be something I'm not. I love that I can be a Junior Minister in Foreign Affairs and I love that I got elected Senator and I love that I have in jokes with people like Drex and Rachel and so many others.
I love you all because you are my friends and I love you all because of your support, kindness and most of all your heart.
Which leads me back to the accusation of the other night and why I believe it was made with malice. I've made the effort to clean up messes I made, I come into Europeia with no grudges, no desire to cause issues nor problems with anyone. I keep to myself so to speak. I believe the accuser made the accusation not out of any belief that there was sexism but rather because they know of my past. They had made mention of it before in Eurochat, as HEM and Sopo mentioned in the Grand Hall and they most definitely have the connections to people who would know and remember my time when I was that way.
To that person, these are my final words on the matter.
Whether or not you answer my question posed to you in your hearing no longer matter because you've shown me what kind of person you are. You are me from 2010. You are willing to hold onto power at any cost, for any reason, whether or not it is in the best interests of the region or not. You are more than willing to throw whomever or whatever under the bus or make baseless accusations to hold onto any bit of dignity or respect you may have held at one point or another. The fact that you are doing so and the fact that I am responding to you for I suppose a third time means you are getting the attention, positive or negative you so desperately crave.
I feel incredibly sorry for you that you have to do these things because from what I am told, when you're not like this you are in fact a very nice person with impeccable wit and smarts a mile long. Please try not to hide them behind a facade anymore, be the real you. I would like to get to know the real you, I would like to be your friend.
That's all I ask.
I love to write.
As you can see by the fact that one of the first things I did when I came to Euro was start a newspaper on all things military, I just love to write and analyze things.
I also like talking to people about anything and everything. I am sure you have seen me in Eurochat, one minute a serious discussion on Firearms and the next laughing about my gray hair. I just love the people, I love just being around all of you.
I love that I can be me.
But recently, someone leveled an accusation of sexism at me. One that has never been made before, not in my real life, not in gaming, nowhere. I believe that this accusation was made not because the accuser believes me to be sexist but for one reason, they wanted to see what I would do when faced with such an accusation, would I lash out and prove them right or take the high ground and defend myself with like an adult. I 100% believe in my heart of hearts that this person did so because they knew I had a history of self immolation and were hoping that the problem would just go away with me looking like the fool and themselves looking like the stoic angel.
Well, unfortunately for that person I am not going to go away nor will I give the satisfaction of blowing myself up, those days are long gone.
But I believe Euro should know more about me and why I believe the accusation was leveled and for that we must go back well over a decade.
It was 2004 when I first received my invite to Nationstates, a political game I was in created a region and it was a fun little pastime. While we argued in game about Iraq and WMDs there was NS with its issues and no real stress. Over time, everyone kinda drifted away but I stayed and even became UN Delegate of Delaware, back when it was UN and not WA. I didn't really stick with it, I didn't really care enough about it. Politics for me was of the U.S. variety pre-Trump. In 2005 I logged into my nation and discovered I was in one of the pacifics and it was there I saw an invite for a region called Great Britain and Ireland which I joined. It was so cool, it was a fun looking region and I was eager to get my hands dirty.
One thing that they don't tell you is that the blunt attitudes and stuff that works on an American game doesn't carry over to other games. So when I tried to act like I did in American games, it came off as rude, blunt, brash, etc. The more I tried to fit in and get elected to things and earn positions of trust the worst it got. The ruder I got, the angrier I got because I was feeling slighted which led to arguments, always because I did something stupid or said something stupid. The more people didn't like me or otherwise thought I was a jerk, etc. To me, I was doing what was natural because this is what got you ahead elsewhere. Almost everywhere else, being rough, being blunt, being stubborn and standoffish got you elected as Leader, respect, etc. The fact that I got anywhere acting the way I did in GBI is nothing less than a miracle.
I look back on the time I spent there as both a blessing and a curse, a blessing because I got to meet some wonderful people who I can still call friends to this day and a curse because there is no chance of making a good first impression for those from that region who continue to play the game today.
When GB&I died, most of who were left moved onto TNI and for the first 4 years the same problems I had in GB&I became even more pronounced in TNI, with the exception that my RL also began to slide. As you know, my friend committed suicide in early 2010 and then my mom who I have talked about often began having major health issues from 2010 onward. I was in a deadend job and had just broken up with my fiancee of 4 years. I started lashing out at people in TNI for RL things. Like, if you are fighting with your friend and you yell at your parents or significant other for it. They didn't do it, but the other person isn't here to yell at.
It's not right nor should you put their mistake on them. I fell into this deep depression, It was just getting worse and angrier and angrier at everyone for everything, for reasons that weren't their fault. It finally came to a head when I lashed out at someone in TNI, I forget who with info that was told to me in confidence from a friend to try to get them back. The fallout from it was bad, in my head I was yelling I didn't care, I just didn't care and I pulled a Cartman and just left.
I cared.
I cared a lot.
It took walking away from TNI and all of the games and things I do on the internet to realize that I was building myself up to be this martyr of nothing, blaming everyone for my mistakes, incorrigible and in such a deep depression because I had no one to blame for any of this but myself.
I took the time away and got to know exactly who I was and what I was and why was I doing this and how could I stop it in the future and that meant coming to terms with things that were out of my control such as the passing of my dad in 2003 and the suicide of my best friend in 2010. It meant coming to some kind of peace with my past of being bullied and harassed as a kid to the point of near suicide. It meant getting some kind of help for my addiction to the internet which I got because I wouldn't come to peace with the losses I mentioned. I dumped the negative presences in my life and cut a lot of people from my life as a result and I took the year away as the year of me. I traveled, I fell in love with military things again which was a hobby my dad and I shared. I went to museums and historical sites, some of these for the first time alone because I was always scared and anxious because I was worried about if someone were making comments about me or my weight.
I worked at a few jobs, I was a Loss Prevention Manager for a store and then I did some seasonal work to help pay my way through my year of me. It just felt like I finally had a chance to let myself be me. To be the person I always wanted to be when I was a little kid, I got to have some fun and see the world and no one cared what I looked like or who I was, I was just another traveler on the road.
When I came back to NS it was because I saw a link to NS on a friend's facebook and I figured why not see whats going on. When I went back to TNI I was a different person than I was a year ago.
I was just me and it took me 8 years to realize thats all I ever had to be.
I took another year off after TNI and took care of my mom and worked a full time job but a bored night got me thinking about NS again and that's where I found Albion, then Alexandria and finally Europeia. I was hesitant about rejoining as some of the times I was here was when I was at my worst. In the middle of the worst. But I took a chance, I hoped that I would be accepted and that the past could finally be put behind me and let me just say I 100% cried when I was approved to rejoin Europeia. While nothing like GBI or TNI happened in Euro, some of those people I mentioned are here and the fact that the region accepted me just took weight off my shoulders that hadn't been lifted in years.
I love it here, without a doubt and bar none I love this region and its people. I love telling stories and jokes and meeting new people, debating and having fun and I see when you guys say "Oh no OD's telling a story". I'm sorry if I annoy you though, I just really love it here and I love that I can be me and not have to put on an act or try to be something I'm not. I love that I can be a Junior Minister in Foreign Affairs and I love that I got elected Senator and I love that I have in jokes with people like Drex and Rachel and so many others.
I love you all because you are my friends and I love you all because of your support, kindness and most of all your heart.
Which leads me back to the accusation of the other night and why I believe it was made with malice. I've made the effort to clean up messes I made, I come into Europeia with no grudges, no desire to cause issues nor problems with anyone. I keep to myself so to speak. I believe the accuser made the accusation not out of any belief that there was sexism but rather because they know of my past. They had made mention of it before in Eurochat, as HEM and Sopo mentioned in the Grand Hall and they most definitely have the connections to people who would know and remember my time when I was that way.
To that person, these are my final words on the matter.
Whether or not you answer my question posed to you in your hearing no longer matter because you've shown me what kind of person you are. You are me from 2010. You are willing to hold onto power at any cost, for any reason, whether or not it is in the best interests of the region or not. You are more than willing to throw whomever or whatever under the bus or make baseless accusations to hold onto any bit of dignity or respect you may have held at one point or another. The fact that you are doing so and the fact that I am responding to you for I suppose a third time means you are getting the attention, positive or negative you so desperately crave.
I feel incredibly sorry for you that you have to do these things because from what I am told, when you're not like this you are in fact a very nice person with impeccable wit and smarts a mile long. Please try not to hide them behind a facade anymore, be the real you. I would like to get to know the real you, I would like to be your friend.
That's all I ask.