Hey everyone.
Today has been a long day. One that saw a lot of emotions and one that has left me feeling like I need to get things off my chest. Please bear with me, as I can't promise that this will be the best read. If emotions make you feel uncomfortable then please skip this. I'm not the type of person that can bury her emotions. This is something that I need to just.. get off my chest. I don't know any of you but I think that it makes this easier. I don't have to worry about being ashamed of myself for saying it or worry about how you'll think about me. I won't have to worry about being looked at in pity by my friends and family as they aren't here to see it.
I'm married. This is something is well known to many of you, with many of you knowing my husband Matthias and many of you having your own experience or opinions of him. We got married at the beginning of the June of last year, never wanting children, which was convenient as the chances of me getting pregnant are extremely slim. I'm okay with that, it's something that I've accepted for as long as I've known about it. Neither of us have ever planned for children nor wanted them. So it was surprising to us both when we learned that I was pregnant weeks after our marriage. For the first time in my life, I found myself wondering about the prospect of having a child. I thought about what kind of mother I would be and what kind of father my husband could be, of the world I'd be bringing my child into. For the first time in my life, I enjoyed the thought of having a child. It still terrified me, of course, as it should terrify everyone. My thoughts about children never changed, nor have they now, but I couldn't stop myself from smiling at the thought of seeing my child smile or holding my hand. Things only progress from there as we went to ultrasounds and as I fought with my husband over our shared food cravings like pickles, which we had to hide from each other as we craved them at an almost unnatural level. Things were quite nice, I was happy even though something I had never wanted was happening to me.
I never know how to transition to the bad part of the story. Conveying how I feel, what I felt, and still making sound coherent is something that I have never been skilled at. I'll keep it simple by saying that things started to go down hill in October. I started getting sharp pains in my lower stomach, I was throwing up constantly, and, at a time when I should be gaining weight, I was losing it. I was terrified as I watched myself get sicker and sicker until I went to my doctor. Honestly, I was unresponsive for most of my doctor visit as my doctor told me I had lost my child. It was something that I never wanted in my life, that I had never looked forward to or planned for, and yet the news wasn't something that I couldn't accept. I felt.. ashamed. I finally understood the disappointment and it made be ashamed of myself. I felt that I was less of a woman even as those around me comforted me. I inverted into myself, never going outside, barely eating.. Even as those closest to me tried their best to help me, for which I thank them, I hated everything. It was so bad that I didn't get on the computer. I just sat there, watching shows on Netflix off my TV, barely moving or speaking. It might not surprise you, but computers and games are a massive part of my life so trust me when I say it was a large deal. I spent the better part of October in bed. When November came around, I found the will to come to my computer to half ass it at games and watch YouTube videos for hours. I wanted nothing other than to crawl into a ball and disappear.
It was then that Matthias tried to get me to play NationStates. He wanted to distract me, I guess, wanted me to stop being pathetic without coming out and saying it. Not that he would, of course. From there, the story is the same. I gradually started returning the world of the living. I cooked dinner, went to the gym, that sort of thing. I still hated myself and, well, everything other than Matthias really, but I was functioning. I learned that I had postpartum depression, something that wasn't and isn't surprising given the circumstance. It was recommended that I find something to engage myself in so that I might distract myself from my depression. It was then that I gave in to Matthias' pestering and joined NationStates, pretending that nothing had happened and playing the happy camper that I normally am in the hope of getting better, of forgetting my immense pain and moving on. That was in early December.
Now it is February, two months away from my join date, four away from my miscarriage, and a month away from what would be my due date. I didn't think it possible but here I am after it all, finally feeling like I have something to look forward to, something to work for. I'm still a bit of depressed but if it were not for those I found among you and your weird, humorous, intelligent personalities, I don't think I'd be where I am now. So I just wanted to write this, get everything off my chest, thank you for your unwitting help, and hopefully take another step forward in my life. I started this region as a depressed woman playing happy. Euro has helped me move forward through my depression and it has given me something to distract me from my pain.
All of you aren't perfect. That's far too much to ask. You have your flaws and you each know that. However, together you make up something that can make a difference in a person's life. You can bring people out of depression, inspire people to fight for their dream job, or even make a stand against hate like you did in Anne Frank. I want to thank this region for what it has done to put a real smile back on my face. I want to thank the friends I have made here for doing more for me than you could ever imagine. I want to make my career here something that we can respect and give back to each of you with my effort as some sort of thank you.
I appreciate having you read this.
Today has been a long day. One that saw a lot of emotions and one that has left me feeling like I need to get things off my chest. Please bear with me, as I can't promise that this will be the best read. If emotions make you feel uncomfortable then please skip this. I'm not the type of person that can bury her emotions. This is something that I need to just.. get off my chest. I don't know any of you but I think that it makes this easier. I don't have to worry about being ashamed of myself for saying it or worry about how you'll think about me. I won't have to worry about being looked at in pity by my friends and family as they aren't here to see it.
I'm married. This is something is well known to many of you, with many of you knowing my husband Matthias and many of you having your own experience or opinions of him. We got married at the beginning of the June of last year, never wanting children, which was convenient as the chances of me getting pregnant are extremely slim. I'm okay with that, it's something that I've accepted for as long as I've known about it. Neither of us have ever planned for children nor wanted them. So it was surprising to us both when we learned that I was pregnant weeks after our marriage. For the first time in my life, I found myself wondering about the prospect of having a child. I thought about what kind of mother I would be and what kind of father my husband could be, of the world I'd be bringing my child into. For the first time in my life, I enjoyed the thought of having a child. It still terrified me, of course, as it should terrify everyone. My thoughts about children never changed, nor have they now, but I couldn't stop myself from smiling at the thought of seeing my child smile or holding my hand. Things only progress from there as we went to ultrasounds and as I fought with my husband over our shared food cravings like pickles, which we had to hide from each other as we craved them at an almost unnatural level. Things were quite nice, I was happy even though something I had never wanted was happening to me.
I never know how to transition to the bad part of the story. Conveying how I feel, what I felt, and still making sound coherent is something that I have never been skilled at. I'll keep it simple by saying that things started to go down hill in October. I started getting sharp pains in my lower stomach, I was throwing up constantly, and, at a time when I should be gaining weight, I was losing it. I was terrified as I watched myself get sicker and sicker until I went to my doctor. Honestly, I was unresponsive for most of my doctor visit as my doctor told me I had lost my child. It was something that I never wanted in my life, that I had never looked forward to or planned for, and yet the news wasn't something that I couldn't accept. I felt.. ashamed. I finally understood the disappointment and it made be ashamed of myself. I felt that I was less of a woman even as those around me comforted me. I inverted into myself, never going outside, barely eating.. Even as those closest to me tried their best to help me, for which I thank them, I hated everything. It was so bad that I didn't get on the computer. I just sat there, watching shows on Netflix off my TV, barely moving or speaking. It might not surprise you, but computers and games are a massive part of my life so trust me when I say it was a large deal. I spent the better part of October in bed. When November came around, I found the will to come to my computer to half ass it at games and watch YouTube videos for hours. I wanted nothing other than to crawl into a ball and disappear.
It was then that Matthias tried to get me to play NationStates. He wanted to distract me, I guess, wanted me to stop being pathetic without coming out and saying it. Not that he would, of course. From there, the story is the same. I gradually started returning the world of the living. I cooked dinner, went to the gym, that sort of thing. I still hated myself and, well, everything other than Matthias really, but I was functioning. I learned that I had postpartum depression, something that wasn't and isn't surprising given the circumstance. It was recommended that I find something to engage myself in so that I might distract myself from my depression. It was then that I gave in to Matthias' pestering and joined NationStates, pretending that nothing had happened and playing the happy camper that I normally am in the hope of getting better, of forgetting my immense pain and moving on. That was in early December.
Now it is February, two months away from my join date, four away from my miscarriage, and a month away from what would be my due date. I didn't think it possible but here I am after it all, finally feeling like I have something to look forward to, something to work for. I'm still a bit of depressed but if it were not for those I found among you and your weird, humorous, intelligent personalities, I don't think I'd be where I am now. So I just wanted to write this, get everything off my chest, thank you for your unwitting help, and hopefully take another step forward in my life. I started this region as a depressed woman playing happy. Euro has helped me move forward through my depression and it has given me something to distract me from my pain.
All of you aren't perfect. That's far too much to ask. You have your flaws and you each know that. However, together you make up something that can make a difference in a person's life. You can bring people out of depression, inspire people to fight for their dream job, or even make a stand against hate like you did in Anne Frank. I want to thank this region for what it has done to put a real smile back on my face. I want to thank the friends I have made here for doing more for me than you could ever imagine. I want to make my career here something that we can respect and give back to each of you with my effort as some sort of thank you.
I appreciate having you read this.
