Gustavus Fails at Gaming

Gustavus Fails at Sleuth: Shades of Mystery Episode 1- Dear God, What Is That Thing?!



Hello audience, it's me, Gustavus, and you're reading Gustavus Fails at Gaming, the series where I play some awesome games and fail at them spectacularly. Unfortunately, I was pretty busy this weekend with all of the college and NS work that I had to do, and so I could not play Call of Duty: Black Ops. But don't worry, I will try and play it this coming weekend, and then every week thereafter until I beat it.

For now, I would like to thank Swakistek for giving me the inspiration to play this game, which he mentioned in passing as being more fun than browsing through the old EuroUniversity Administrative Archivivizaza- I forget what it's called already. But anyway, although this is a free and very simplistic Flash game where you play detective, I really have had a lot of fun with it before I even started playing it.

I will post Gustavus Fails at Gaming posts about this game and about it its predecessor, Sleuth Noir, as often as I can. And, if the angels smile on me, I might also be able to do Call of Duty: Black Ops, maybe a revival of N.O.V.A. 2, and Back to the Future: The Game (which will release a free episode in a few days! ) It's gonna be four or five games worth of fail! :lol:

First, go to the site http://shades.playsleuth.com/. Make sure you have the latest version of Adobe Flash for optimal performance. If you don't have an account, you press a Create Detective button, and then you start by customizing your detective's appearance- eyes, nose, glasses, mouth, etc.

Most of the options for these features are either drawn by five year olds (for your facial features), make you look like you were simply baked too long in a pizza oven (rather than being any actual shade of skin color), or make you look like you're drunk or on something. But eventually, as I tinkered around a little bit with appearances and random name generators, I started to see a character taking shape. And, with a, "Howdy, y'all!," Billy Chancellor was born. Yes, somebody in this world actually has the name Chancellor. What, audience?! It sounded southern to me, OK? Don't judge me! h43r:



Ah, yes, I bet he gets ALL the girls at the Texas barbecues.

Now, my young Chancellor, what background shall I choose for you? The game gave me six to choose from. Here they are in their entirety:

Reformed Burglar

A product of the streets, you once made your living from the carefully hidden savings of your fellow citizens. Age eventually brought with it compassion, however, and you were forced to confront the suffering you'd brought upon your victims.

Now, determined to pay back your debt to society, you've chosen to direct your efforts to solving the most heinous crimes in the city.

Starting Contact: Police Desk Sergeant

*****

Disillusioned Police Detective

You used to be a rising star in the city police force. You made detective young, and realized your life's ambition when you were transfered to homicide. It didn't take long after that before you realized just how few murders were actually solved in this city. Corrupt cops and ineffectual city officials made doing your job almost impossible.

So, you quit the force and went into business as a private eye.

Starting Contact: Police Desk Sergeant

*****

Disgraced Doctor

Although not born into riches, it didn't take you long to achieve them for yourself as a successful doctor. It took you even less time to lose it all, when you refused to declare that a murder victim had died of natural causes. You made some powerful enemies and lost your wealth and your career.

Never one to be easily beaten, you've started a new career as a private detective.

Starting Contact: Police Desk Sergeant

*****

Freelance Investigative Reporter

Trained as a writer and a journalist, your real talent has always been in getting to the bottom of things other people want to keep covered up. Your blunt writing has earned you the ire of the editors of all the papers in town, so you're not selling many stories these days.

Luckily for you, your ability to get to the ugly truth will serve you well in your new life as a detective.

Starting Contact: Newspaper Reporter

*****

Retired Lawyer

After years of working as an attorney, you have a knack for changing other people's minds, without their realizing they've changed at all. Unfortunately, you have a bit of a gambling problem, and you seem to have squandered away your retirement savings. So, you've decided to go back to work as a private eye.

You figure it will be a relief to make a living by finding out the truth, rather than by pretending you already know it.

Starting Contact: Newspaper Reporter

*****

Moonlighting Dilettante

Your wealthy parents have always considered you to be a failure, so even if you are broke, there's no way you're crawling back to them now. Between your genteel upbringing, and the degenerates you've chosen to spend your adult life around, you've learned how to deal with all types.

Determined to make a success of yourself without your parents' help, you've decided to try your hand at being a private eye.

Starting Contact: Newspaper Reporter

*****

Eenie, meanie, miney, Retired Lawyer! It was partially that, and the fact that there was something slimey about my character's appearance and used car salesman-like smile that screamed either the lawyer or the dilettante. Then I picked lawyer, because as a lawyer Billy Chancellor seemed like the kind of guy who was more than willing to break a few faces to make the court go his way. I mean, come on! Just one look at him and you'll know what I mean! :lol:

MIDTRO OF THE WORD TUTORIAL OVER A STACK OF FILES!

The Beginning

Billy: "The law looked so much different from the other side of things.

It looked exactly like a big pile of cash. So much money I never thought I could burn through it all. Turns out, I was wrong."

Me: "It looked like a lot of laundered cash and *cough* cocaine *cough*- but don't tell anyone. Turns out, I was an idiot."

Billy: "Now the money's all gone and nobody in their right mind would hire a used-up shyster with a gambling problem."

Me: "The last people I asked gave me the phone number for Assholes Anonymous."

Billy: "Enter Patricia. She recognized me on the street one afternoon from her time writing an old law column in the local rag, the Daily Monitor. We kept the "how you do's" short, and I was ready to get back to my self pity when she asked if I was looking for work."

Me: "This reunion was totally not awkward at all. We had only been together for three years before she dumped me and took everything, including my dignity- nothing serious."

Billy: "A man named Zimmerman had come to her looking for help when his brother was found dead. The cops were looking to pin it on him, probably out of laziness more than any probable cause."

Me: "Would this have anything to do with the Zimmerman Telegram? World War I reference for the win!"

Billy: "It wasn't exactly my dream job, but I didn't have a lot of options."

Me: "I could have just said, 'Thanks, but I like unemployment and homelessness better' and clawed my eyes out at the sight of my ex. But somehow I didn't..."

T-t-t-that's all, audience! If you're reading this, leave a comment and tune in for next episode, where I will solve the case using a liberal amount of torture- I mean "deduction." Gustavus out!

 

[Rach]

You so lied to me this time and he's not even real flail.gif

I'll look at the pictures

 

[Gustavus Adolphus Rex]

You so lied to me this time and he's not even real flail.gif

I'll look at the pictures

I will take pictures of some of the other Modern Combat 2: Black Pegasus characters and show you pictures of those guys.

 

[Gustavus Adolphus Rex]

Gustavus Fails at Gaming- Modern Combat 2 Black Pegasus Episode 2: The Longest Killing Spree*



Phew! So now that I've gotten an icepack for my face from last episode, it's time to play the campaign! "Are you sure that you want to start a new game?" Yeah, Shut up, floating game text! I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Then I see four different difficulties: Easy (for sissy babies), Normal (for Average Joes), Hard (for gaming freaks), and Extreme (for insane people.) Eenie, meanie, miney, Normal! Let's do this, audience!

Here's the intro text for the first level (entitled "The Great Escape Pt. 1," and read by a hotototototot female announcer voice ):

"SITUATION:

Operation Troika was compromised and all members of the platoon were either captured or killed. Held for two weeks, the location of the survivors is unknown.

OBJECTIVES:

Find arms and escape as quickly as possible.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:

Use any means necessary to ensure your survival."

Thank you, announcer voice, for clearing that all up! I thought the objective was to just sit and rot in a Colombian prison for the entire game!

The Great Escape Pt. 1
Day 33
Pvt. Newman, Mustang Squad
Location: Unknown

Wait a minute, I thought I was Sgt. Anderson...now I'm confused. :wacko: Anyway, on with the cutscene!

Blurry shot of my feet, I appear to be tied to a chair, ouch, a guy just punched me and pointed at my face! Hey, I don't understand what you mean! And don't you DARE point at me!

Translator: "You're sick, you know that?...*Sigh* And then I'm going to cut you open and choke you with your intestines."

Me: "Lovely. You know what would be even better? If I get out of these cuffs, cut off your ugly head, and use it as MY PERSONAL BASKETBALL!"

Translator: "To be honest, the longer you stay alive, the bigger my pay check will be. Anyway, if you want to live, I think you should answer him."

Me: "If you want to live, then you should zip it before I rearrange your facehole. Capiche?"

*Evil Villain Guy says something to Translator*

*Translator shrugs*

*Evil Villain Guy knocks me out with the butt of an AK-47*

Translator: "Aw great. Now he's never gonna talk."

Me *as I slowly pass into unconsciousness*: "Aw great! Now I'm gonna get a lot of money from the Tooth Fairy!"

Private Downs: "Hey wake up. Geez, you're bleeding! I'll untie you!"

Me: "Thanks for untying me! Hey, I have a hand with individual fingers! KEWLNESS!"

(This is already lightyears ahead of the graphics of the original Modern Combat, where people had gloves for hands. )

Private Downs: "Looks like they've been harder on you this week. Can you follow my finger?"

Me: "Unless they knocked my eyes out, yeah, I think can."

Private Downs: "Snap out of it and follow my gun."

Me: "Alright, alright already! Yeesh, I'll follow you when I'm good and ready."

Then a HINT pops up telling me to follow Downs' gun by using the virtual stick or dragging my finger on the screen.

Private Downs: "Good, now get on your feet. I can't carry you."

Me: "Hey, you take that back! I'm on the South Beach Diet, buddy!"

Then a crouch/stand icon appears in the lower left corner that I click on to stand up, thanks to another HINT.

Private Downs: "Come on, over here!"

Me: "Nah, I think I'll just look around my holding cell. Ah, it's pretty empty. I think I'll just waltz over to you."

HINT: "The Compass at the top of the screen shows you the direction to your next HINT."

Me: "You've been so helpful, HINT. Wanna hang out sometime and shoot the breeze?"

Private Downs: "Hold back; I've seen guards 'round here before. Let's see if we can get you a gun."

Guard: "AAAAAAAHHHH!"

Me: "He regrets nothing!!!! Ooh, schweet! A pistol!"

Private Downs: "Lady Luck's looking our way!"

Me: "More like MY way. You're just the wingman, Downs. Ooh, ammo candy for my pistol! Don't mind if I did!"

HINT: "Reload your gun by tapping the weapon icon on the upper right of your screen."

Me: "You forgot to say corner. God, Gameloft, don't let the Spelling Nazis see this HINT text."

Private Downs: "Between this old wall and these explosive barrels, I think you can get us out of here."

Me: "Nah, I don't wanna. Why don't you just headbutt the wall with your THICK SKULL?!"

HINT: "Tap the shoot icon to fire the pistol."

Private Downs: "Just shoot the barrels to start the fireworks, buddy."

Me: "I'm, I'm, a-scared. Mommy!" BOOOOM!

Hey, guards, how about you NOT shoot me with AKs! How would you like a pistol to the head?! *Guard dies* He took my bullet very well.

OK- ammo check! AK-47: 30 rounds in the magazine, and 120 on backup. Pistol: 15 rounds in the magazine, 8 on backup. Time to rule with mah gun of awesome sauce!

Private Downs: "Now THIS is more like it. With every guard on alert, these AK-47s are a godsend."

Me: "Amen to that, brother. Amen to that." :violentgun:

HINT: "You can drop from some ledges. Approach an edge to jump to the floor below."

Private Downs: "I get the feeling we won't be sneaking out of here."

Me *looks over the edge, sees a guard*: "Obvious statement is obvious."

But, after getting some more ammo candy, I was able to blow up an explosive barrel right near the guard (I always wonder why they stand near things that might kill them ) and then got 60 more ammo candy for my AK. Now let's kick some ass!

WHAT? Slow motion zoom on a guard's face for a killstreak? Awesome! Hallelujah!

OK, now I have 30/210 AK-47 ammo, and 15/35 pistol ammo. And, what's this, a pretty sign that says, "DANGER MINES" with a skull and crossbones on it. Aw shit...:blink:

Private Downs: "I see more enemies!"

Me: "No shit, Sherlock! So do I!"

Lots of mines exploding everywhere, guards are getting slaughtered all over the place, because they have no aim, as all guards should.

Private Downs: "Up there!"

Me: "What? A tower of explosive barrels? Hm, I wonder how to get past that?"

BOOOOOOOM!!!! Woot! Oh, and what's this I see around a corner. A Desert Eagle? Sweetness! hyper.gif Goodbye, sucky NX8 Handgun, hello 7/51 rounds of doom! gun.gif

Will you cut out exploding, mines? How many of you are there, anyway? Now I have to go forward, but the way is blocked by...explosive barrels. Oh no, a quicktime event! Tap a floating finger to duck. Phew, that was close- otherwise I would be virtual red mist.

HINT: "Jump over some obstacles by moving forward."

Me: "What was that? I was too busy blasting guards' heads off with my Desert Eagle to notice."

Thirty more AK-47 rounds! Yummy! And there's a door with a glowing lock and a knife icon. Good idea, how's about we slice that lock with an apparently very sharp knife?

Private Downs: "Hostiles, 2:00!"

Me: "Hey, it's 2:54, liar!" (At the time of writing.)

HINT: "Tap the iron sight icon to shoot with more precision and to see further."

Me: "Sure thing, how about I try it with my pistol? OW, my face! It's all bloody! (Like in Call of Duty). On second thought, I'll just slaughter everyone with mah AK of DOOM." >

And let's just keep going forward! Oh Saint Jesus, a wall just asploded!

HINT: "It takes more than bullets to destroy a vehicle. Find something more powerful to take them out."

Me: "Hmmmm...like this conspicuous RPG-7 lying on the ground in front of me? Sorry, Desert Eagle, you're awesome, but...WOAH, goodbye, vehicle!"

Private Downs: "I think this door will give; I'll just put some shoulder into it..."

Me: "YOU IDIOT! Nothing good happens in quicktime events!"

Private Downs: "AAAAHHHH! Help, give me a hand. I can't hold on. *I rescue him by tapping ferociously at floating hands.* Not the way I wanted to learn how to fly. How about we stick to the path?"

Me: "How about you stop being a numbskull? *I look down at the cliff he was about to fall into.* Whew...that's a long way to die."

Guard: "I don't have a shot!"

Me: "At living!" *Creams two guards with one RPG blast.*

Another lock knifed, some ammo candy (AK-47: 30/280, RPG-7: 1/001), and another guard killed later, and I overlook a stairwell filled with guards, a hole in the wall filled with guards, and another stairwell also filled...

Private Downs: "More enemies on your right!"

Me *kills the last guard*: "What was that? I couldn't hear you over my awesome!"

Some more ammo candy for my AK-47, a hole in the wall to crouch through...

Private Downs: "Up there!"

Me: "Oh noez, an explosive barrel tower, whatever will I do?" *Shoots the barrels* BOOM! "A guard with a pistol, oh my!" *Slices guard with the knife*

Let's go through a tunnel! Yay! Except your cell phone signal is breaking up.

Private Downs: "Up there!"

Me: "Say something else for once, please, Downs!" *Kills two guards, they fall hilariously to their deaths*

BTW, Rachel, here's a picture of Private Downs (bloodied from two weeks of beatings). All you can see of me is my left hand (my wrist is reddened pretty badly from being tied up) and my AK-47.

After this picture was taken, I killed another guard and got my max amount of backup ammo for my AK-47, which is 450 rounds. And then I crawled through a tunnel and knifed the door at the other end.

EDIT: The picture won't upload to ImageShack or Photobucket for some reason. :angry: I'll try and edit the post to show it later, but no guarantees. Except that you will find Downs cute.

Private Downs: "They're coming straight at ya!"

Me: "Not any more they're not, and OOH, pretty killstreak cam!"

Another hallway, another bunch of guards to eliminate with explosive barrels (that are somehow littered through this goddamn prison ), and two more explosive towers...and I used my last two RPG rounds to destroy the towers, and ownificated a whole bunch o' guards.

And we climb the stairs and run down a hallway and...freedom?

Private Downs: "Get ready to run...I don't know where we are, but I sure don't wanna be here any more."

Me: "Me neither. Let's go on to the next level!"

Private Downs: "Son of a...it's an ambush. Get down!"

Me: "OW, my facehole! I want my AK-47 back! Oh, thanks for giving me your pistol, which somehow has 15 rounds in the magazine and 105 on backup! How'd you get all that ammo candy?"

Private Downs: "Newman, no! We'll make it, just hold on!"

While I was lying on the ground, I still managed to HEDSHAWT a whole bunch of guards and get a few killstreaks, and I was 15/45 on my pistol and still missing my AK , when Downs cried, "GRENADE!"

And then it turned into a stats screen! Phew! I lived!

"The Great Escape Pt. 1

ENEMIES KILLED: 81

HEADSHOTS: 23

ACCURACY: 24%

YOUR TIME: 0:37:23

BEST TIME: 0:14:08"

I had to go a bit slower in order to capture all of the dialog. But anyway, if you liked this episode (and Rachel, if you liked the cute video game guy ), post a comment. And don't forget to tune into the next episode sometime later this week, where I get out on the next flight out of Fourth World Land! :lol: Gustavus out!

*Get it- instead of The Longest Yard? I crack myself up!

 

[Willem Jefferson]

Someone explain everything he's written so far.

 

[Gustavus Adolphus Rex]

Someone explain everything he's written so far.

In N.O.V.A. 2, I'm a guy who kills a lot of futuristic people and aliens.

In Modern Combat 2: Black Pegasus, I'm a bunch of guys who kill a lot of Latin Americans, Middle Easterns, and Russians.

All to save the world. And on my iPad. :violentgun:

 

[Swakistek]

Sometimes I wonder where you get all of this time to write such lengthy EBC articles so often, Gus, but I can see that the quantity is not without quality, either.

 

[Gustavus Adolphus Rex]

Sometimes I wonder where you get all of this time to write such lengthy EBC articles so often, Gus, but I can see that the quantity is not without quality, either.

Thank you, Swak, and I'm very glad that you like this series. Sorry that I didn't include Sleuth this week- I probably might be able to do that next week, though.

And I get all this time by NOT SLEEPING EVAR! h43r: Nah, just kidding lol. I don't get a ton of work.

 

[Panlu]

*smiles* This is a fun read, though do remember--the AI people don't know any better than to be somewhat obvious. It's what they do.

 

[Gustavus Adolphus Rex]

*smiles* This is a fun read, though do remember--the AI people don't know any better than to be somewhat obvious. It's what they do.

You would think, though, that with twenty of them with AK-47s vs. just you and Private Downs, it would be a little bit unfair for you. J/K lol

Glad you like this! I will be posting a new episode tomorrow!

 

[Gustavus Adolphus Rex]

Gustavus Fails at Modern Combat 2 Black Pegasus Episode 3: Chief Pwnage!



Hello once more again, audience! Last episode I escaped from a prison in Colombia full of stereotypical Latin American guards who apparently went to the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy. Now, what other globe trotting foreigner killing adventures am I off to?

Let's let the hot female announcer of intro text-ness explain, as we begin Level 2, "Oil Slick":

"SITUATION:

During Operation Sandstorm (*cough* reference to the previous game *cough*), Chief took out Abu Bahaa (*cough* the bad guy in the previous game *cough*). For Operation Black Pegasus he's cleaning up, going after Bahaa's partners. Ghazi is on an abandoned oil rig and may be the key to finding the others.

OBJECTIVES:

Clear each floor of any enemy presence. (DUH!) Locate information about Abu Bahaa's associates. (DUH^2!)

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:

Take enemies by surprise. Use stealth tactics whenever possible."

(I don't know how I'll accomplish THAT- I am such a klutz in RL that it's probably going to be hard to move a few feet without tripping. :lol

Oh, and on another note, HOORAY FOR CHIEF! Good to see you've been promoted for being awesome! He gets his nickname from being Chief Warrant Officer in the previous Modern Combat, where you played as him for the entire game. I really liked that, as opposed to playing Chief, Pvt. Newman, and Sgt. Anderson in this game because, since Chief doesn't have a personality or backstory of his own or even dialogue or name, you're allowed to mold him to whatever you want- not so much when you're split between three different characters. (In this game, he gets the last name of "Warrens," a nod to his previous position.) Anyway, it's good to see that he's back- now I will...



GET ON WITH IT!

Oil Slick
Day 1
Lt. "Chief" Warrens, Delta Squad (oh, way to rip off of Delta Force )
Oil Rig R-32, Indian Ocean

Ooh, isn't the Indian Ocean so prettiful at night, guys? Now we're on this boat, which, from my screenshot, has a motor that says "SeaBuck V6" on it. That's some serious horsepower carrying some serious firepower. gun.gif

Sgt. Lewis: "Okay listen up, Delta Squad 3. Our main target is Khalis Ghazi."

Me: "Who will not be a stereotypical Arab fundamentalist at all."

Sgt. Lewis: "He's suspected of storing weapons on the oil rig. Our source says it's for Abu Bahaa's terrorist organization...or what's left of them."

Me: "Yeah- about that, sorry Abu Bahaa's Terrorist Organization, but I kind of killed the guy you're named after last game. You're going to need to need a new brand identity. Oh, and weapons? That means- AMMO CANDY for me!"

Pvt. O'Neil: "We'll wipe 'em off the face of the Earth."

Me: "Who brought the noob tuber on this mission?"

Sgt. Lewis: "Find evidence of Abu Bahaa's involvement, find Ghazi and put and end to these guys once and for all. Alright?"

Me: "Wait a minute, if we need to find evidence of Abu Bahaa's involvement, how did we know this was the base to look for Abu Bahaa's associates?"

(Many FPS's suck at storytelling, but Gameloft is not particularly good- you could basically drive an Abrams through the plot holes in this story that has more holes than plot. )

Pvt. Barklon: "Hooah!"

Me: "How come TWO noob tubers get to join us in this mission? Shouldn't we pick, you know, people with actual combat experience."

Sgt. Lewis: "There it is. Stay frosty."

Me: "I feel nice and toasty warm in my dark black black ops uniform (get it?), and I intend to stay that way, thank you very much."

Sgt. Lewis: "Chief, think you can take that guy out in one shot?"

Me: "SCHWEET! I got an M16 with a laser sight!" "Oh, and by the way, does this HEDSHAWT answer your question?"

Sgt. Lewis: "Nice."

Me: "You know it!" :violentgun:

Pvt. O'Neill: "I got a bad feeling about this."

Me: "That is one overused movie line that really needs to die a painful death!" <_<

Sgt. Lewis: "Age before beauty, Chief."

Me: "You callin' me OLD, sonny Jim? Last time I checked, you weren't exactly 13 going on 30."

Pvt. Barklon: "Unknown boat at 2 o'clock, firing on us."

Me: "But it's 9:24 PM! (At the time of writing.) And I think it's a pretty well known terrorist-owned boat, judging by the vaguely Middle Eastern people inside."

Sgt. Lewis: "Son of a...We'll have to find another way up." *They speed away*

Me: "Hey, don't leave me here, guys! Couldn't you have just followed me up the stairs?" *I go up the stairs, abandoned by my teammates*

(It's also a pretty well known fact that friendly NPCs are lazy bums in video games in general. :lol

HINT: "When using a silenced weapon, only your target will be alerted to your presence."

Me: "By the time he is, he'll be dead. He'll be like, 'What's that over there that just shot face? OW MY FACEHOLE!'"

HINT: "You can avoid some enemies as long as you don't enter their detection zone."

Me: "Ooh, stealth, like in Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell. I'm liking this level more than the tutorial already!"

*I jump over a ledge, and an enemy pulls the alarm.*

Me: "Hey, I moved, like, two feet! What the FAHK?" *Restarts checkpoint, then takes out the enemy without jumping over the FAHKING LEDGE!*

OK, ammo check time! 30/359 MN106 Red Dot (that's Gameloft's strange term for the M16, probably a typo- I'll just use the proper terminology), 15/30 Beretta M9 Silenced. And ooh, what's this? I found an Easter Egg MP5 in the corner! More ammo candy for my MN106. Yay!

Oh, I got so much ammo because you can pick up an entire magazine of ammo candy (30 rounds for the M16) from dead enemies or secret weapons, but then, what's really neat is that, if, say, you get 30 rounds for the M16 from a dead guy's AK-47, if you swap your gun for the AK-47 and then swap back to your M16, you can get an extra 30 rounds for some reason. Cool, huh?

And then I turned around a corner and took out three enemies with my silenced pistol of awesome sauce, and got up to the max backup rounds of 450 for my M16.

Sgt. Lewis: "We're near an elevator, but the controls are non-responsive."

Me: "Here's a tip- press the up arrow to go, oh, I don't know, UP!"

Sgt. Lewis: "Find the master controls to activate the system."

Me: "It's always got to be me that saves your asses, isn't it?" (It always is. After all, you are the Player Character, and therefore the center of everybody's universe. )

After using up all of my silenced pistol bullets of quietness and taking out four bad guys at once , I reactivated the elevator controls with a conveniently glowy numpad (whenever Chief is typing on anything, he uses his left hand- I dunno, Gameloft is partial to left-handed people? X3)

Sgt. Lewis: "Good work, Sir. We'll head up straight up to the second floor while you secure the stairway."

Me: "Thanks, it's nice to finally be appreciated by my team."

HINT: "Some enemies drop grenades when killed. You can also find them in hidden caches."

Me: "Ooh, a treasure hunt for tasty frag genades! YAY!" (Side note: dead enemies have never once dropped grenades for me. How inconsiderate of them. h43r

CUE EPIC MUSIC! That always means there's a fight scene coming up.

Me: "Whistle while you kill! *Takes out three terrorists while barely breaking a sweat.* Ooh, and apparently terrorists put a vending machine on an oil rig. :lol: *Sees Sgt. Lewis and Pvt. Campbell in a corner.* Hey, newb, where'd you come from? How many of us are there exactly? And what do you, need me to walk for you, Sgt. Lewis?"

Sgt. Lewis: "It's no good, Sir! There has to be another way to get to them!"

Me: "Oh, shit. I didn't realize there was a turret there." :blink: "Thanks for the heads up. Now where should I go? Oh, how about this obvious hole made for crawling that has been inexplicably carved into the wall?"

An enemy tries to get me in the crawlspace, but seriously, not even a challenge! Oh and hey terrorists! Terrorists, hey! Hey terrorists, hey! Knife! *Knifes the two terrorists with the machine gun.*

HINT: "Tap the turret icon to man this stationary machine gun."

Me: "TURRET!!!! hyper.gif Aw, come on, I don't get to kill waves of people with it? That sucks balls. But at least I got to write my name in bullets on the wall." (Turrets in this game have unlimited ammo, but unlike in N.O.V.A. 2, they can overheat, and then they have to cool down, so that you don't just leave your finger on the fire button. Fortunately, the cool down period is shorter than the original Modern Combat."

Me: "Hey, stop freaking leaving me here! There's no 'Make Chief do everything' in 'team.' Sigh...I guess there is."

HINT: "Grenades can take out enemies behind cover. Tap the grenade icon to throw them."

Me: "Nah, I think I'm more in the mood for straying bullets everywhere." *Flails M16 at the guards, killing them in five seconds.* flail.gif

Sgt. Lewis: "Thanks, Chief. I'll head up: you've got this floor under control."

HINT: "Double tap the grenade icon to select a flash grenade."

Me: "Ooh, secret room full of flash grenades! And a terrorist running into a corner room. I wonder where I should throw this grenade? What the...there aren't any flash grenades?!?! You lied to me, Gameloft! Those secret grenades were frags." :angry:

Then I entered a room with three terrorists standing next to explosive boxes. I briefly considered what to do for a moment...

Me: "Nice interior decorating? Can I paint it with your BLAHD? BOOM-BOOM POW, not the Black Eyed Peas song!" >

I then turned a corner and saw Pvt. Barklon on his knees with his hands behind his head, crying, "No, no, no, no! Please! Pleas don't!," with a terrorist behind him, an AK-47 pointed at his head.

OK, so this scene is pretty interesting, if only because it's the only time that Gameloft gives players an actual choice any of their linear FPS games. If you do nothing, the terrorist will shoot Barklon in the back of the head, and then you have to kill him in revenge. If you kill the terrorist before he shoots Barklon, then Barklon will say, "Phew! Thanks. I really thought I was a goner on this one," and run up to a door and cry, "OK, let's do this!"

Me: "LEROOOOOOOY JEEEEEEEEENKIIIIIINS!!!! *Pvt. Barklon kicks down the door and gets blown up by a grenade, leaving there not much point in having saved his ass.* Noooo- Barklon! I will avenge your honor! Stupid grenade spammers!" So, yeah, not much of a choice. <_<

(For some reason, if you run up to the door with Pvt. Barklon, you don't get injured in the slightest from the grenade that kills him. It must be targeting newbs. :lol

In the next room, you fight a bunch of enemies. What a surprise. But this is where I found out the first time I was playing the game that you can teabag enemy bodies, since they don't disappear into virtual ether like in most video games. Also, this time around, I discovered a Desert Eagle (7/7). Bye bye, sucky Beretta.

In the next hallway is a quicktime event where this random terrorists decides to try to knife, and I then head butt him to death. Ow, a concussion! :blink: And people always told me I had a thick skull.

After I take the elevator up, Sgt. Rodriguez (where do all these people come from?!) gets killed by a terrorist, and Cpl. Gonzales says, "Man down! Man down! Chief, we need someone on that turret sir! They keep coming! We can't hold this position much longer!" TURRET!!!! Yee-haw! hyper.gif

Aw shit, I went against my own advice and overheated the turret! *Facepalm* And Gonzales is right- they do keep coming, apparently no-clipping from the walls. Then a flash grenade! No fair! I can't see anything! But even blind, I still took out all of the enemies. :lol: Oh, hey, Sgt. Lewis, Pvt. Nelson, nice to see you? Where were you when I needed you five minutes ago?!

Sgt. Lewis: "Chief, the 4th floor is all yours when you're done here. I'm heading up to the 5th."

Me: "Not even a 'Hey, how's it going, and thanks for saving my butt for the third time, Chief'?"

*Elevator explodes*

Me: "What could possibly have gone wrong?"

Sgt. Lewis: "We're OK, but they booby-trapped the elevator here. Controls are fired."

Me: "Not again. Is anything NOT booby-trapped on this damn rig?"

Pvt. O'Neil: "I'll override it manually. I'll have it ready by the time you've cleared the drill room."

Me: "You go fail at that, noob, while I kick ass as usual."

OK, now, there's a fork in the path next to the elevator. Going to the right goes to the drill room. Going to the left leads you to a crawlspace where there's another fork. Going left gets you a cubbyhole with a secret SPAS-12 pump-action shotgun with 7/14 (that Gameloft calls the "S1 Custom" :huh, and two flash grenades.

Then go to the fork to the right and you'll see another secret room with a single terrorist inside. I cr0wned him with one shotgun shell. This is better than the Desert Eagle because it isn't as loud. (Hooray for shotguns! ) Just don't go in after him, or you'll be stuck in the room. You'll see what I mean later.

Then I left the shotgun behind for later because it sucks for the drill room battle, picked up my Desert Eagle, and only found out after I blew open the drill room door with glowy C4 that the terrorists are apparently smart and won't get close enough to your pistol for it to matter. No matter, I still have my M16. *Kills them with my awesome* B-)

Pvt. O'Neil: "Elevator is operational again."

Me: "Wow...perfect, um, timing." :huh:

After going back into the crawlspace to get mah SHAWTGUN YEAH , I then cried, "Geronimo!" and went into the elevator and into a midtro of major saved pointy-ness with a Black Pegasus logo and spinning stars.

HINT: "Flashbangs stun anyone within range, including you. Step back after throwing one."

Once I did that, it was easy enough to clear the terrorists in the small at close range with one shot kills my shotgun. However, I then had to switch to my M16 again to clear terrorists in a corridor.

Sgt. Lewis: "Reporting enemy activity on the 5th floor. Delta 3-1, clear the 4th floor and get your butt up here!"

Me: "Alright, alright, I'm coming already! Yeesh! Just let me own these three terrorists first! *Owned* Walking along, singing a song, doo doo dah, singing a song of killing, all the doo dah day, all the...WHAT THE?! Not a quicktime event!"

Great, another booby-trapped thingy ! This time, it's the bridge! And, I managed to jump a great distance onto the other side by simply pressing a floating finger! What the...? Terrorists swinging onto the floor from ropes?! As if my day wasn't deadly enough already! I accidentally threw one of my flash grenades into the ocean, then just cried, "Fuck it!" and with a rebel yell, I used my shotgun, knife, and grenades to massacre them all!

Once again, you are faced with two different paths. Nice promotion of more choice, Gameloft! You can either sneak in through a back entrance at higher level by a secret staircase, or go in through the front door. I used my last three shotgun rounds to take out the three remaining terrorists- one ownage apiece!

Sgt. Lewis: "Still no sign of Khalis Ghazi on 5. Hold your position Delta 3-1, we'll regroup by the stairway. Scratch that, we've been cornered! Delta 3-2 requesting backup!"

Me: "Of course you mean ME! Sigh...the word sigh followed by an actual sigh. When do you ever not need backup, you baby?"

Then three more terrorists came, and I hit a fire extinguisher, and I realized that hitting fire extinguishers apparently makes them blind people like flash grenades! Awesome! This is one of the joys of playing Gameloft games. You never know what Easter eggs you'll find inside the first time around.

"Phew! Thanks for the help, Chief!" Sgt. Lewis cried, after I busted into the kitchen, traded my empty shotgun for a Desert Eagle (goodbye old, face-destroying friend - hello awesome pistol...I'll call you Blammy!) You're welcome!

Pvt. O'Neil: "Delta 2-2 is reporting signs of enemy activity inside the offices."

Me: "The better question is: where is there not enemy activity? That's where I'd like to be."

Sgt. Lewis: "Let's move out."

Me: "Uh oh! The last person who said that got blown up by a door!" D:

Stupid me, I forgot to record the dialogue for the next part, where I basically took down about a bajillion terrorists, including two with turrets, using only Blammy and without dying. Oh well. <_<

Anyway, after eliminating dozens of terrorists and seeing that they had Playboy magazines lying on the floor next to the turrets (hey, even villains have needs lol :lol, I found a glowy door, kicked it down all Chuck Norris-like, then got punched in the face by Ghazi, who tried to knife me! Bad enemy! Let me tap a hand, pull out this magically appearing Beretta that I got out of nowhere, and shoot your kneecap off while your knife is stuck in the wall. XP

Sgt. Lewis: "Nice take down. There's an elevator. Let's move!"

Me: "Awwww, thanks, teammate who DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR THE ENTIRE LEVEL!" :angry: <_<

Sgt. Lewis: "C'mon! We need to get the package out of here!"

Me: "I didn't know that we express shipped terrorists by UPS nowadays. Jack Bauer's going to be happy to see him!" h43r:

Final ammo check! 30/437 M16, 7/45 Blammy, 6/6 Frag Grenades, 5/6 Flash Grenades...and NO SHAWTGUN. Not yay...

Come on slow poke! How hard can it be to carry a terrorist on your back, Sergeant? And who made you in charge of this operation?

(Interestingly enough, elevators, lifts, etc. like this one don't start in Modern Combat games unless you get in and then try to get out of them. I wonder if Chief thought, "All this killing makes me need to go to the bathroom, brb...NO! Who locked me in with Lewis! Now all I can think about is the water...in...the...Indian Ocean...below!" *Sad Chief.* )

Then we reached the bottom of the elevator (after I killed all the terrorists that we passed by on the elevator, but missed earlier for some reason :huh, Sgt. Lewis said, "Delta 3-2 has the package ready for extraction. But we're under heavy fire from enemy boats."

Pvt. O'Neill: "Hold position, Delta 3-2. We'll be there shortly."

Me: "Since when do noobs give orders to Sergeants?!"

Sgt. Lewis: "Go! Sooner we get out of here, sooner I can make him talk."

Me: "I wonder what I'll use to get rid of these enemy boats? How about that turret over there!" hyper.gif *Owns them all with a lot of "Dakadakadakadaka!!!!"*

And, OUTRO OF CUTSCENE-NESS!

Sgt. Lewis: "Looks like we have some time to kill. So why not tell us who you work for." (In the spoken dialogue, it's "So why don't you tell us who you work for." Yeah, Gameloft is that bad at dialogue. :lol

Ghazi: "I told you, I don't know any of names."

Me: "God, I know English isn't exactly a first language for these guys, but do you have to make it that obvious?"

Gameloft: "YES WE DO! WE RIPPED OFF AN AWESOME GAME TO MAKE AN AWESOME MOBILE GAME, SO SHUT UP AND STOP INTERRUPTING THE CUTSCENE, GUSTAVUS!"

Me: "Alright, alright..."

Sgt. Lewis: "Look we saw the weapons, we've got tons of evidence of your connection to Abu Bahaa and you're going down in one of two ways. You can leave with us as our prisoner or in a body bag. We'll just say you...tripped on one of my bullets. (Actual dialogue ) Now for the last time, which one of these bastards is paying for this operation?"

Ghazi: "All right, all right. (Sic) It's...It's...Ahh! I'll tell you once I'm in a secured location. If you don't kill me, those guys will."

Sgt. Lewis: "Those guys?"

Me: "Probably the enemies for the next level, of course!" :lol:

"Oil Slick

ENEMIES KILLED: 125

HEADSHOTS: 21

ACCURACY: 25%

YOUR TIME: 0:28:37

BEST TIME: 0:25:10"

That's all for this week for Gustavus Fails at Modern Combat 2: Black Pegasus, audience! If you read and liked this episode, post a comment, and don't forget to tune in next week, when we'll likely be going to the nation of Unnamed Middle Eastern Hotspotia to fight more terrorists. Gustavus out!

 

[Gustavus Adolphus Rex]

OK...so it was Thursday. I had my test, and now it's over! Yay!