Today, as you all know, the Presidential election was supposed to begin at 12:00pm EST, according to Supreme Chancellor and all-around HEM, HEM. Unfortunately, as you all know, the election did not begin at that time. According to a little-known law written by former President Unibot (don't send us any letters about this, please), this means the election is canceled, and the region is hereby disbanded. Return to your homes, and vacate the premises. At Faux News, we take our news very seriously, so we interviewed several prominent Europeians to gauge how they felt about this tragedy.
First, we went to current President, and now former President, Malashaan. "This is awful, simply awful. I had the whole thing set up where Mouse would get into a runoff with Seven Deaths, I'd arrange for him to have a little accident, drop out of the race, have Mouse lose to abstain, then keep my term going forever. Now there is no region for me to even be President of! This is completely ridiculous, and I can honestly say I will be literally killing somebody over this. Likely still Seven Deaths, because screw that guy. I mean, you can't name yourself Seven Deaths if you don't expect somebody to test how many times you can actually be killed." Malashaan looked up, and saw that he was at a press conference. He hurriedly added, "What I meant to say was that I am in shock about this turn of events and am deeply saddened. Also, I will not kill anybody, especially Seven Deaths. Thank you."
We then went to former Vice Presidential candidate, and current hottie, Rach. "I mean, this is just so frustrating." She pouted and gave a little huff. "The only reason I ran for office was to have fun, and run in a race. I mean, everyone always tells me that they love seeing me walk away, so I figured if I ran, they'd like it even more." She moved in closer and asked quietly, "Why don't people want me to have fun? You want me to have fun, right?" This reporter nodded very quickly, so as not to disappoint the interviewee. Rach smiled and said, "Good. Now, could you do my math homework? I've got so many things to do today, and I'd hate to have to put off my plans because of some silly like homework. You understand, right?" She got her purse and started walking out the door, and as she left she called out, "Thanks, love ya, bye." This reporter now felt very confused, and very disappointed.
Finally, we went to former President/Grand Admiral Kraketopia. "Oh, this is just awful. I had planned to have a military operation sometime soon, but now that there is no region, I just can't see what the point is anymore. I mean, my aides have said that I could use this time of chaos to my advantage and use the military to install myself as dictator, and that sounds great, until I start thinking about it. It would take a lot of trouble to stir so many people up, then I'd have to force some other people out of power, then I'd have to set up a whole new government. At this point, I'm getting nervous just thinking about it. No, that sort of thing is better left to men of stronger constitution, like my wife Haley. As we speak she is axe murdering a fellow named Seven Deaths on the request of my good friend Malashaan. That Haley, she's such a go-getter."
In summary, the region is doomed, the world is doomed, everything is over. You heard it here first, there is no safe place anymore, the end times are upon us.
First, we went to current President, and now former President, Malashaan. "This is awful, simply awful. I had the whole thing set up where Mouse would get into a runoff with Seven Deaths, I'd arrange for him to have a little accident, drop out of the race, have Mouse lose to abstain, then keep my term going forever. Now there is no region for me to even be President of! This is completely ridiculous, and I can honestly say I will be literally killing somebody over this. Likely still Seven Deaths, because screw that guy. I mean, you can't name yourself Seven Deaths if you don't expect somebody to test how many times you can actually be killed." Malashaan looked up, and saw that he was at a press conference. He hurriedly added, "What I meant to say was that I am in shock about this turn of events and am deeply saddened. Also, I will not kill anybody, especially Seven Deaths. Thank you."
We then went to former Vice Presidential candidate, and current hottie, Rach. "I mean, this is just so frustrating." She pouted and gave a little huff. "The only reason I ran for office was to have fun, and run in a race. I mean, everyone always tells me that they love seeing me walk away, so I figured if I ran, they'd like it even more." She moved in closer and asked quietly, "Why don't people want me to have fun? You want me to have fun, right?" This reporter nodded very quickly, so as not to disappoint the interviewee. Rach smiled and said, "Good. Now, could you do my math homework? I've got so many things to do today, and I'd hate to have to put off my plans because of some silly like homework. You understand, right?" She got her purse and started walking out the door, and as she left she called out, "Thanks, love ya, bye." This reporter now felt very confused, and very disappointed.
Finally, we went to former President/Grand Admiral Kraketopia. "Oh, this is just awful. I had planned to have a military operation sometime soon, but now that there is no region, I just can't see what the point is anymore. I mean, my aides have said that I could use this time of chaos to my advantage and use the military to install myself as dictator, and that sounds great, until I start thinking about it. It would take a lot of trouble to stir so many people up, then I'd have to force some other people out of power, then I'd have to set up a whole new government. At this point, I'm getting nervous just thinking about it. No, that sort of thing is better left to men of stronger constitution, like my wife Haley. As we speak she is axe murdering a fellow named Seven Deaths on the request of my good friend Malashaan. That Haley, she's such a go-getter."
In summary, the region is doomed, the world is doomed, everything is over. You heard it here first, there is no safe place anymore, the end times are upon us.
