President Malashaan is halfway through his term, and we at Faux News decided it was time to investigate what he has accomplished, and what his plans are for the rest of the term. We began our journey by looking at the EON, as it is by far the most exciting part of this administration. What we found in our research is one of the most startling discoveries in the history of startling discoveries: President Malashaan is running a secret death cult.
This discovery was brought to our attention by former Senator, and current Brewmaster of Europeia, MSF (formerly known as modernsin). We sat down with him to gather this interview. "Bro, this is heavy stuff. I was listening to the EON interview the other day, chillaxing in my pad, smoking a joint, when I thought it'd be totally radical if I just played it backwards. You know, to get a better high. What I heard was mind-blowing stuff, man. I just heard PhDre saying 'death to Anumia, death to Europeia' over and over again. And I checked, my phone was off, so it wasn't my ringtone. This was real life, man. I was so freaked out, I swallowed three bottles of pills, then drank a gallon of horse tranquilizer, right before this interview."
Our interview came to an abrupt halt when it was announced MSF had been overwhelmingly elected to the Senate, despite his name not being on the ballot, and he was then whisked off to represent the region in our legislature. Being the reputable organization that we are, however, Faux News took this story to the Grand Admiral, and former President, Kraketopia, to request he put an end to this. "A death cult in the government? Well, gee, that sounds serious. I'd better alert the troops, so we can storm the Goldenblock and retake the government. You know, on second thought, that really sounds like a whole lot of trouble for something so minor. I mean, Malashaan's term will be over soon enough, and then this problem will sort itself out. If there's one thing I learned by being President, it's that if you ignore a problem for long enough, eventually, it will just go away. Now, I'd love to continue this conversation, but I'm the middle of embroidering all of the Navy's uniforms, so they have encouraging messages, like 'Go get 'im tiger!' and 'Attaboy!', this way, when we lose our next battle, they won't get too upset."
After a disappointing talk with Kraketopia, this reporter decided the only way to put an end to this madness was to go directly to the source, and talk to President Malashaan. After arriving at the Goldenblock, and being directed to the President's office by his buxom secretary, Rach, Malashaan had this to say. "I assure you, we are not running a secret death cult at all in this administration. I mean, look at me! I'm some sort of puppet, animal, cartoon character. What am I going to do, cute you to death?" He chuckled jovially, and I had to admit, the idea did seem pretty far-fetched. I was about to get up to leave when I saw a folder marked "GAP" on his desk, with some papers sticking out, depicting some sort of machine. I asked him what those plans were for, and he got quiet. I quickly snatched the folder and saw schematics for what looked like some sort of death ray. He called for the guards to restrain me, and the next thing I know, I woke up two weeks later on the side of the road, with a severed horse head next to me.
As I submit this article, I know I may be punished for my findings, but it is my hope that all Europeians know the truth, so that we may have a better future, and a safer tomorrow.
This discovery was brought to our attention by former Senator, and current Brewmaster of Europeia, MSF (formerly known as modernsin). We sat down with him to gather this interview. "Bro, this is heavy stuff. I was listening to the EON interview the other day, chillaxing in my pad, smoking a joint, when I thought it'd be totally radical if I just played it backwards. You know, to get a better high. What I heard was mind-blowing stuff, man. I just heard PhDre saying 'death to Anumia, death to Europeia' over and over again. And I checked, my phone was off, so it wasn't my ringtone. This was real life, man. I was so freaked out, I swallowed three bottles of pills, then drank a gallon of horse tranquilizer, right before this interview."
Our interview came to an abrupt halt when it was announced MSF had been overwhelmingly elected to the Senate, despite his name not being on the ballot, and he was then whisked off to represent the region in our legislature. Being the reputable organization that we are, however, Faux News took this story to the Grand Admiral, and former President, Kraketopia, to request he put an end to this. "A death cult in the government? Well, gee, that sounds serious. I'd better alert the troops, so we can storm the Goldenblock and retake the government. You know, on second thought, that really sounds like a whole lot of trouble for something so minor. I mean, Malashaan's term will be over soon enough, and then this problem will sort itself out. If there's one thing I learned by being President, it's that if you ignore a problem for long enough, eventually, it will just go away. Now, I'd love to continue this conversation, but I'm the middle of embroidering all of the Navy's uniforms, so they have encouraging messages, like 'Go get 'im tiger!' and 'Attaboy!', this way, when we lose our next battle, they won't get too upset."
After a disappointing talk with Kraketopia, this reporter decided the only way to put an end to this madness was to go directly to the source, and talk to President Malashaan. After arriving at the Goldenblock, and being directed to the President's office by his buxom secretary, Rach, Malashaan had this to say. "I assure you, we are not running a secret death cult at all in this administration. I mean, look at me! I'm some sort of puppet, animal, cartoon character. What am I going to do, cute you to death?" He chuckled jovially, and I had to admit, the idea did seem pretty far-fetched. I was about to get up to leave when I saw a folder marked "GAP" on his desk, with some papers sticking out, depicting some sort of machine. I asked him what those plans were for, and he got quiet. I quickly snatched the folder and saw schematics for what looked like some sort of death ray. He called for the guards to restrain me, and the next thing I know, I woke up two weeks later on the side of the road, with a severed horse head next to me.
As I submit this article, I know I may be punished for my findings, but it is my hope that all Europeians know the truth, so that we may have a better future, and a safer tomorrow.
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