It was a brisk morning when President Writinglegend "Who?" Anumia greeted the press, wearing his traditional extremely thick scarf, which he wrapped around his body, to create a sort of shell-like appearance. Most of his speech revolved around the usual boring Presidential business: taxes, rampant crystal Leth usage, and the erection of a giant fist statue in the Integration office. However, before our bescarfed President left the conference, he announced that longtime Grand Admiral, first-time caller, Kraketopia, had been awarded a Triumph for his military accomplishments.
The press gasped in confusion, while one man simply vomited in shock. Writinglegend shuffled off the stage, where he was quickly replaced by a panda, who starting singing terrible pop music, causing the crowd to immediately disperse. To investigate this seemingly unwarranted award, this reporter vowed to get to the bottom of this story, and find out the truth.
If I wanted answers, and I did, I knew there was only one man who could give it to me straight. I walked into Vice-Admiral Common-Sense Politics' personal office, and asked if I could ask him a few questions about Kraketopia's military past. He gave me a long, hard stare that froze my soul before reaching behind his desk and pulling out a large file labeled "NOT PORN". I opened it up, and after flipping through multiple pictures of jean shorts, I found numerous accounts of Kraketopia's heroism in battle, and extraordinary leadership. I asked why none of this had ever reached the media before, and the Vice-Admiral growled, "Krak never wanted this to get out. Being a strong leader means sometimes you have to be underestimated to achieve success. If people knew what kind of hero he really was, he wouldn't be able to operate nearly as efficiently as he could now. So much press, fans, accolades, it would be too much." I asked why the President would award Kraketopia now, and blow his cover. The Vice-Admiral began to answer, but suddenly the door behind us exploded as Kraketopia himself emerged, brandishing two tanks in his massive tentacles. He yelled "For Haley!" then fired two missiles, sending the office, and its occupants sky-high, never to be seen again.
The next day, I saw Kraketopia again, walking with his wife, who wore his shiny medal with pride, hanging on his tentacles as they walked down the beach, while he ate a dead panda. It is with that image I file this report, hoping that nobody ever finds out Kraketopia's true heroic past, so that he may remain in the position he is today, the result of years of hard-work and planning. *publishes report, pauses* Aw, fu-
The press gasped in confusion, while one man simply vomited in shock. Writinglegend shuffled off the stage, where he was quickly replaced by a panda, who starting singing terrible pop music, causing the crowd to immediately disperse. To investigate this seemingly unwarranted award, this reporter vowed to get to the bottom of this story, and find out the truth.
If I wanted answers, and I did, I knew there was only one man who could give it to me straight. I walked into Vice-Admiral Common-Sense Politics' personal office, and asked if I could ask him a few questions about Kraketopia's military past. He gave me a long, hard stare that froze my soul before reaching behind his desk and pulling out a large file labeled "NOT PORN". I opened it up, and after flipping through multiple pictures of jean shorts, I found numerous accounts of Kraketopia's heroism in battle, and extraordinary leadership. I asked why none of this had ever reached the media before, and the Vice-Admiral growled, "Krak never wanted this to get out. Being a strong leader means sometimes you have to be underestimated to achieve success. If people knew what kind of hero he really was, he wouldn't be able to operate nearly as efficiently as he could now. So much press, fans, accolades, it would be too much." I asked why the President would award Kraketopia now, and blow his cover. The Vice-Admiral began to answer, but suddenly the door behind us exploded as Kraketopia himself emerged, brandishing two tanks in his massive tentacles. He yelled "For Haley!" then fired two missiles, sending the office, and its occupants sky-high, never to be seen again.
The next day, I saw Kraketopia again, walking with his wife, who wore his shiny medal with pride, hanging on his tentacles as they walked down the beach, while he ate a dead panda. It is with that image I file this report, hoping that nobody ever finds out Kraketopia's true heroic past, so that he may remain in the position he is today, the result of years of hard-work and planning. *publishes report, pauses* Aw, fu-
