- Pronouns
- He/Him
Europeian Lawyer Breaks Silence on Life of Crime:
An Exclusive Interview
Reflecting on criminal actions, the Attorney General has sought to point out Europeian private media's biggest weakness - apathy. The Digger's Dirt is pointing right back, and interviewing Europeia's most respected
Istillian: On Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Season 4, Episode 18, "Rules of Engagement" the plot covers a difficult situation where Worf destroys a civilian shuttle during an engagement with the Klingons, and an extradition hearing is held to see if he must face charges. During your Presidential term, when did you commit similar atrocities?
Lloenflys: Well Istillian, I appreciate this very important question. The people have a right to know about crimes that our Presidents commit while on missions abroad. And of course I would be very happy to tell you about a variety of interesting exploits, such as that one time when a few too many rum-soaked bananas, a green jolly rancher, and a lot of Ed Sheeran music combined with a lack of sleep to cause a bit of a commotion! Unfortunately I can't go into any details since I am no longer a member of the administration and only the President can authorize the disclosure of such things ... (and thankfully because I didn't submit reports about most of them for posterity sake, he doesn't even know either). So ... ya know ... none of it ever happened. Really.
Lloenflys looked irritated, it’d only been one minute and no one had asked him what he did for a living. With this irritation bursting from his cuff links, our interviewer chose to ease the tension and bring up a passion of his: looking down on people.
Istillian: You're an admirer of the British Royal Family - do you consider subjecting Europeia to your continued authority in government roles as similar to the charity service that Charles provides for the Commonwealth?
Lloenflys: Of course. The people need birbs, Star Trek, and random trivia questions. The people need badly sung versions of German pop songs. The people need absurd interjections, and there isn't enough gc and Hez to do that alone. I am here to give the people what they don't even know they need, and I pat myself on the back every night for being willing to provide this service.
Thinking of periods of infamy where this respected Europeian would have pat himself on the back, we brought up the recent injustice from our Attorney General.
Istillian: Attorney General Forilian has recently pointed out that an organisation that you have founded was recently on the brink of collapse. How do you account for this laziness, and how do you suggest we try and circumvent the law in the future?
Lloenflys: I have fired the humunculus in my head that was responsible for the management of Lloenflys's Gavel. He said I wasn't paying him enough, but a little bread and water and access to my thoughts has never been a problem for the other humunculi that are involved in my affairs so I think he was just greedy. In any case, I have actually hired a humunculus trained in your brain to help me with the organization of Lloenflys's Gavel ... I have always valued your organizational skills and I feel having a mini-Istillian running around upstairs will help me out greatly. As for circumventing the law, I plan to significanly abuse my authority as Speaker in order to do so ... but I can't be quite as open about those plans as I might like in order to prevent suspicion. Let me just say the answer is always in the SPA.
Istillian: So the answer is bribing people, firing employees, and using children for labour. Got it.
Istillian: In former President Rand's closing speech, he awarded former Chief Justice Darkslayer the Order of Equity, and to quote, called him "one of the greatest legal leaders of our time". Can you tell us why you are jealous of this and why your service in the judiciary never met the same standard as Darkslayers?
Lloenflys: As this answer is coming before the release of the case in which Darkslayer and I are doing battle, I have to answer in two parts, or as lawyers say, in the alternative.
(1) If I win the case against Darkslayer, then it shows that Rand was completely wrong and that I am truly superior in all legal affairs to Darkslayer, and that the Order of Equity was awarded soley because Darkslayer would have whined a lot if people didn't stroke his ego;
(2) If Darkslayer wins the case then it shows that Darkslayer has corrupted the region with his horrible legal takes and there is a vast, Darkslayer inspired conspiracy at all levels of government and we are doomed.
As for being jealous of Darkslayer ... please, he's a ginger.
Istillian: Between 70 million and 100 million people — or as many as one in three Americans have some type of criminal record. How have your personal experiences with crime taught you to evade the law in an online political simulation game?
Lloenflys: Well, I used to work occasionally in the criminal division of the City of Boulder Attorney's Office, and that taught me many things about how police work. That in particular was useful in learning how to break laws in ways that cops just aren't looking for ... and that applies to Euro cops as well (they're out there folks, just because you don't know who they are doesn't mean they aren't always watching ... right @Lethen?)
Istillian: What kind of profession did you say you were in?
In preparation for answering, Lloenflys gripped his mouse firmly -
Lloenflys: Oh, thank you - that's a great question. My job involves the best of learning how to lie to people using the law with learning how to lie to people with bullshit - a.k.a. business. I make a lot of shit up and tell clients what they want to hear so that they pay my company money. Then I make more shit up when they audit us so that it looks like we are in compliance with all the stuff in our contracts, even though neither we nor they actually know or care what the actual contract says. It's basically a ponzi scheme all the way around, which is perfect.
His ego was climaxing so hard.
Istillian: cool.
This non-chalance sent Lloenflys into a craze and he dramatically began to hand out business cards with his Europeian resume listed.
We thank Lloenflys for his time in reviving The Diggers Dirt.
