EBC Gamer & Reader Lounge:
BioShock/BioShock 2 & Sonichu
The Best & Worst Stories of All Time
Part of the EBC Review Lounge Series
BioShock/BioShock 2 & Sonichu
The Best & Worst Stories of All Time
Part of the EBC Review Lounge Series
Thanks to everyone who has read my reviews here at the EBC and read the chapters of my stories here- Broken Kingdom, From Europeia With Love, and The Secrets of EuroUniversity! So, I thought I’d share with you all what I think constitutes the best story I’ve ever seen- and the worst, and why, as a guideline for what to do or not do.
BioShock was released in 2007 by 2K Games and Irrational Games, followed by the release of BioShock 2 in 2010 by 2K Games and a host of other studios who replaced Irrational when they went to work on BioShock Infinite...(but that’s for another time.) Both games were released to commercial and critical acclaim. Why? Well, I’ve played both games on my Mac, and I will tell you that one hundred percent without any doubt in my mind, these are not only the best games that I’ve ever played, but also the best stories I’ve ever seen. They’re so good that I have played them four times each and have taken my time exploring on all playthroughs- 20 hours per play for BioShock and about 12 hours per play for BioShock 2 over a period of about a year.
They’re so good that I can’t tell you too much what they’re about without spoiling it for people who want to buy (and there’s no excuse for not getting both- they’re available on all game systems including Mac for around $15 on Mac App Store, Steam, or even in the used bin at your retailer.) But I can say that the plot of the first game opens with you as the only survivor of a plane crash at night somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. You swim towards a mysterious lighthouse in the Atlantic and board a strange craft that takes you to the underwater city of Rapture, on the most amazing adventure of your life.
I can talk a little bit, in general terms, about what I like in both games. Both are first person shooters, but unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. Yeah, you’ve got your pistol, shotgun, grenade launcher, etc. but you also wield magical abilities (I won’t spoil how). In both games, however, the enemies are no pushovers and range from simple thugs with metal pipes to security cameras and turrets to monstrosities in hulking metal diving suits called Big Daddies, and you will have to use all the tools at your disposal creatively to augment yourself and simply survive.
Along the way, you will experience breathtaking art design and atmosphere, brilliant backstory and character writing, choice (again, can’t reveal how exactly), and an experience that pulls you in like no other. But the endings are a little weak in my opinion (there are three endings in BioShock and six in BioShock 2 depending on your behavior, but all are kind of rushed; I like the good ending of BioShock 2 the best.) Plus, BioShock 2 in particular refuses to run on my 2010 MacBook Pro except on minimum settings, and includes multiplayer. I got to play a few games of it on GameRanger (which I only ever use for Borderlands- I’ll review it later) and they were just OK, but it has worse imbalance than Call of Duty, was an unnecessary and desperate attempt at preventing returns at the time, took a way a lot of resources from and shortened the campaign, and is really dead now. On the whole, however, these are definitely must-buys.
BioShock: ****** (yes, six stars)
BioShock 2: *****1/2 (half a star off for multiplayer)
You will not regret it if you get these games, I promise you!
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But whereas I couldn’t get into the plot of the BioShock series for fear of spoilers, I’m going to try and not get into the plot of Sonichu for fear of losing what little sanity I have left. I know I said in a rage-filled review that Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel was the worst movie ever, and I was going to put Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus in this spot, but I stumbled across this and THIS, my friends, is the worst ANYTHING ever, period.
Don’t believe me? Just look at the title. As you probably have already guessed, it’s an oh-so-clever portmanteau of Sonic and Pikachu. But if only those were the only two franchises its illustrious thirty-year-old unemployed autistic manchild of an "author" Christian Weston Chandler ever took “inspiration” from. Oh, and by the way, this calls itself a webcomic. There are a few good webcomics out there if you look hard enough (I really like Gunnerkrigg Court, which this forum introduced me to) but it’s like digging through a mountain of shit to find a microscopic fleck of gold. And this is the king of Shit Mountain.
This is just the first page. You see what I’m seeing? I can’t draw anything more than stick figures myself, but it looks like this was drawn while the author was blindfolded and held the marker in his teeth. And despite it being hand-drawn, he photoshops the text in Comic Sans later. Plus, five MIES from the city? This from a guy who graduated community college in six years. But this was only the beginning of my torment.
After that, the Pikachu and Sonic literally fucking collide with each other to form Sonichu- original character do not steal! Then the plot, or what there is of it, only gets more convoluted. Basically, despite Chris saying that this would only be the story of his crappy Mary Sue Sonic recolor, the first issue (there are ten of these devil spawn, written from around 2004-2010, although he began drawing the character in 2000 or so) includes a confusingly named “sub-episode” featuring himself defeating a “jerkop” (jerk cop) in the comic, revising real life events where he was forced out of a store for wearing a sign that he used to try and attract girls without actually talking to them.
After that, our illustrious Electric Hedgehog Pokemon is pretty much relegated to the background. The entire comic becomes about Chris, through his literal self-insert, ruling his imaginary land of CWCVille (pronounced “Quickville”), drawing barf-inducing sex scenes between his 136 Sonic recolors, ripping off everything from Ghostbusters to Sailor Moon, wooing girls who were either trolls or had no interest him in real life, and of course, fighting and winning revenge fantasy battles against everyone who has ever wronged him no matter if they were in the right, because CWC is a speshul little autistic snowflake. (I know it sounds like I'm a bit too harsh on this guy because he has a disability, but trust me, I'm not. I'm going to post a Gus Rants sometime next week in the Blogosphere in the Red Light District about why.)
I don’t think I have to explain anymore how much of a bottom of the barrel stain this is on the creative landscape of humanity, do I? Great. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to weep in despair at the future of our species.
Sonichu: -9000
I wish Darth Vader was real so he could choke the shit out of this asshole!
