- Pronouns
- he / him / his
Written by HEM Tiberius
Our Arrival
ENN producers and staff had a very unique opportunity to look inside the "new" Albion that has emerged with their abandonment of the "political sphere" of gameplay.
Our boat landed at Bowerstone Docks quite a bit behind schedule. While downing the over-priced mojitos, one of our deputy editors overheard the captain saying something about "damn private armies" and "cannibal pirates". We were told that we weren't permitted to fly in, because all air traffic over Albion had been suspended due to an eminent nuclear threat.
"It is wonderful here under the new system!", Our Albion host, Percy, yelled over the sound of gunfire as we disembarked the boat, "Our region was being weighed down by stunning military victories, loyal friendships with like-minded regions, and a rational presence on the world stage! There's no fun in that, don't you agree?"
Running to our car with bullets flying, and unpaid interns body-covering me on all sides, we were joined in the car by a Special Second Assistant to the Deputy Knight Cultural, Jonathon P. McGee.
"It is great to have you here," He greeted us with a tired smile. His face was covered with smudges of dirt, and his hair line seemed to have receded quite a bit since he took the stock photo we had of him.
"We want the world to see how truly great Albion is doing since our transformation!" He seemed to look away from us to glance at some official-looking notecards, "Albion is doing leechy! Erm, I mean 'peachy'! Everyone is very happy with the way things have turned out! Citizens are very...erm..enthusiastic about the changes," He croaks out as a rioter throws a rock at our motorcade.
"See? Our windows are even rock proof!" He said with a somewhat insane laugh. When we stopped in Brightwall City for lunch, McGee (perhaps forcibly??) was taken away from us, and Percy resumed his duties.
Talking Labels Over Lunch
"Did you enjoy your lunch?" Percy asked us as we walked back to our motorcade. Our lunch had been some dubious substance poured from unmarked cans.
"It was, interesting," ENN's Assistant Political Editor said, "But is there anyway we could get nutrition information about it? It seemed a little....greasy..."
Percy looked at him strangely, "You mean like a nutrition label??"
"Yeah," The editor said, "Exactly."
Percy laughed, "Oh, we don't believe in those kind of labels anymore. Nutrition labels are the kind of labels that Europeia, The New Inquistion, The North Pacific, and The Land of Kings and Emperors use. We have our, truly Albion, labels!"
Percy picked up one of the unmarked cans and slapped a sticker with a giant smiley face onto the can.
"Now, THATS an Albion label! The old nutrition labels were just a bad fit for us!"
Two of our backend engineers and a viral news intern puked.
And Then The Politics
Late in the evening our party finally arrived in Shalefields, Albion's seat of government. I was slated to have an interview with John Bernstein, Deputy Communications Director to Albion's Chief Knight.
Bernstein gave us a quick tour of the office building where he worked. It was elaborate, with pictures of King Cerebella erected on almost every wall. He boasted about how his building was guarded 24/7 by a contingent of nine dozen soliders. Most government buildings apparently only had a guard of 3-4 dozen.
"So, what brings you to Albion?" Bernstein asked me as I pulled out my pen and paper.
"Well," I paused as I adjusted my blood spattered tie, "Albion has experienced a lot of change in the last few months."
"A lot of wonderful change, indeed!" Bernstein nodded enthusiastically.
"I guess, to start, what change excites you the most?" I asked gingerly.
"We aren't uptight anymore," Bernstein said while waving his hands manically, "We aren't like OTHER regions that have to stand by their allies, or have to keep basic decorum in an ally's embassy. That's all superficial bullshit. We are a free spirit. That's actually our new motto, we keep trying to put up new signs that say that, but the free-spirited vigilantes keep bombing them down!" I looked concerned, but Bernstein laughs, "No need to worry, that's all part of our new outlook!"
"What does that look like in terms of running a government?" I ask while scribbling Bernstein's answer down.
"Well, we really enjoy trolling each other in government," Bernstein answered with a smile.
"Trolling?" I asked.
"Yes, indeed!" Bernstein said while rubbing his hands together, "Like, yesterday I told our Chief Knight that the budget had passed the legislature, and that the government was fully funded, but it hadn't at all LMAO! That's why none of our kids have their free lunches today, why social security hasn't been mailed out, and why our soliders aren't even getting paid TROLLOLOLOL! It's awesome!"
Another man, who was apparently one of Bernstein's assistants stepped into the office.
"Are you telling him the trolling story?" The man asked, "Did you tell him about the n00king?"
Bernstein laughed, "No, I didn't!!!! I told one of our outlying villages that they were TOTALLY safe from a random nuclear attack. They were all relieved and stuff, and then we just n00ked them! We just did it! All YOLO-like!! It was hilarious!"
Bernstein saw the look of revulsion on my face, but waved his hand with a smile, "But don't worry, HEM, we sent the village plenty of pictures of DRAMA LLAMAS to make up for it!! Drama llamas be rampaging, HEM!"
Back To Bowerstone
After staying a night in Shalefields, ENN packed up to cut back through the region and catch our ship out of Bowerstone Docks.
I was invited in the Albion car to talk with Percy, and for some inexplicable reason, also John Bernstein, who had decided to make the journey with us.
Taking a long swig of bourbon from his Maker's Mark 46 bottle, John Bernstein prompted me to ask him and Percy some additional questions. I brought up the Land of Kings and Emperors:
"Bunch of no-fun babies with sticks up their asses," Bernstein said while swishing the bourbon around in his mouth, "They are the ANTI free spirit! When we were in the UIAF with them, they made us go on structured missions. They made us into a military power that was revered and feared across the world. We stood besides them as loyal friends, and weren't allowed to betray them even a little bit!! Where's the free spirit in that?!"
I asked if he was talking about LKE's moderator sanctions, which had become a giant kerkuffle between Albion and the LKE within Europeia's Nationstates embassy.
"Yeah! I mean what losers! Christopher Bishop just wanted to mess with Onder by provoking a junior member with a blatant lie about the LKE! It was all in good fun! It was in the spirit of our new trollish regional outlook!"
I asked whenever he thought antics like that were appropriate or professional for an established region:
"For US, they are appropriate!" Bernstein slurred while dropping his bottle on the floor of the car.
"WE decide what is appropriate for Albion! We don't follow YOU or YOUR rules!" He said while jabbing his finger in my chest, "Albion is free from YOUR rules. We are FREE!"
Mumbling "free spirit" over and over again, Bernstein slowly passed out on my shoulder. I pushed him back onto Percy.
Final Departure
We bid John Bernstein farewell in Silverpine where we stopped for our final meal before departing back to Europeia. The rest of the car ride was quiet, aside from the occasional outside scream or spatter of gunfire.
As we waited for our ship to depart, I was joined on the dock by Chelsea Knight, the Deputy Mayor of Bowerstone.
"I'm glad you had the chance to see our new regional outlook firsthand!" She said, "We are really excited with how things are panning out!"
I nodded, "It was certainly interesting."
"We are forging out own way!" Knight said excitedly, "We are pursuing our priorities, our aims. We are different from YOU. We have truly changed in these last few months!!"
I looked around at the city of broken windows, burning government buildings, and rioting citizens.
"On both counts," I nodded, "You are indeed correct."'
This was a fake report published by the E-News Network through the E-Mensa, which is the satirical arm of ENN Inc. This article does not represent the views of any institution or individual in the Europeian government. ENN Inc. is a private entity with no government involvement.
All the content in this article is satire. Any questions or concerns may be directed to HEM Tiberius, Publisher and Producer of The E-News Network, and President of ENN Inc..
All the content in this article is satire. Any questions or concerns may be directed to HEM Tiberius, Publisher and Producer of The E-News Network, and President of ENN Inc..
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