- Pronouns
- He/Him
I'm 31 years old. Many of you came of age substantially later than me. In some cases more than a decade later. As you might imagine, or maybe not, the culture of that time was quite a bit different. Even more so than today, the three-headed monster of misogyny, racism, and toxic masculinity was very much mainstream. It was at the dinner table, on the TV, and coming out of the speakers of our Discmans. I was brought up to believe that the norms of manhood demanded one be strong, active, aggressive, tough, daring and, above all, dominant. These ideas all too easily manifest themselves in damaging behavior, both to the individual who has been conditioned to think this way and to those around them.
I was fortunate enough in my young adulthood to have experiences that made me realize what I was taught about the world and about people wasn't true. I was fortunate enough to meet and work with people from all around the world, from every different background, who were gracious enough to challenge me. It was during this time that I began discovering the nature of my privilege as a straight white man from a relatively affluent part of the country, even if my family in particular didn't share in much of that affluence. In fact, my early twenties were marked by poverty, food insecurity, and struggles with mental illness. As a result, my entire worldview changed. In fact, I've spent the last several years of my life working to break down the systemic barriers faced by those who don't look like me. That's what I do for a living.
All these changes took place during my time in Europeia. This community is one of the very few parts of my life that has maintained a consistent presence from those early years to today. I sometimes look back at some of the posts I made in my first couple of years here and cringe. It's uncomfortable, almost impossibly uncomfortable, to observe one's self exhibiting the behavior that they are currently seeking to eradicate. I am proud of the work I have done to unlearn harmful behavior over the years, to become a better person. I am occasionally reminded, though, that work is not done. A couple of days ago, my conduct toward Nate/Xecrio served as yet another reminder.
I have a well-earned reputation for being rough around the edges, for speaking directly and arguing my positions vigorously. I am not ashamed of that nor am I of a mind to change it. It's who I am. However, I know quite well that interacting with others in this way routinely brings me dangerously close to a line. One one side of the line lies spirited and adversarial but, at the end of the day, substantive debate. On the other lies cruelty and mean-spirited discourse. Not being as mindful as one should, that line can sometimes blur. My personal philosophy has been that it's perfectly fine to be "gruff" or even abrasive but it is not perfectly fine to be mean. I have not crossed that line much in recent years but I did earlier this week, brazenly and without any excuses for it.
I've spent the last couple of days sick to my stomach over it. I have cried. I have been too embarrassed to show my face here. I have felt small and loathsome and, admittedly, resentful. I'm repeatedly brought back to words from one of my farewell addresses as President. I said, "I don't think of you as avatars and walls of text. You've become very real people, human beings, my friends. Not internet friends either, real friends. My greatest ambition is to be a good leader, a good friend, and someone you can always rely on."
This week I failed in living up to that ambition. I have apologized to Nate privately and I will now apologize to the rest of you. I deliberately acted cruelly and in bad faith. There's no excuse for it, none at all. I am truly, sincerely sorry. However, I am committed to moving forward with a renewed commitment to the standard I set for myself those many years ago, on the right side of the line.
