- Pronouns
- he / him / his
Written by HEM Tiberius
ENN has just received breaking news, and some would say heartbreaking news. Activist Andrew Cannon Taylor, known fondly by his friends as "ACT," was found exploded into a hundred pieces off Ashedo Street in downtown Arnhelm.
"It was a grisly site to see," Arnhelm Fire Chief Wolf Flame told ENN, "There weren't many pieces larger than an ice cube. The guy just totally combusted. Jesus, some of the people who saw him were kids."
When talking to some of Taylor's friends, we began to piece together what his cause of death was.
"He couldn't stand the political apathy in this region, I'll tell you that," John, a drunken man who refused to provide his surname, told ENN.
"He just really longed for the days where people would stand up to the status quo. He longed for the days of original thought and expression, where everyone wasn't waiting around to be led around on some leash."
"Crazy guy," John concluded. "Something wasn't right in his head, that's for sure."
After wrapping up with John, ENN caught up with Phil Preston, one of Taylor's friends who owns the Street Sweets bakery in the capitol district.
"He wanted to...wanted too, question ideas..." Preston said carefully. "He thought that people should actually run against Kraketopia and try to win...? I mean, I told him that Kraketopia was the establishment candidate and we should always conceed to the establishment, but but he just wouldn't listen --
-- PLEASE PLEASE don't write this story in a way that makes me seem like I agree with his...eccentric ideas. He had a good heart, but you know how bad original thought is for business these days!"
Indeed, in the days before Kraketopia announced a Presidential bid, there looked to be upwards of three different tickets actively seeking the Presidency. For the last few elections serious contenders have been scarce, as the region compliantly fell behind sitting President Writinglegend. We decided to talk to some of the potential "would have been" candidates that folded:
"Well, obviously I wasn't going to challenge Kraketopia," Alfred Davis said. "He is the establishment candidate. When I considered running, I didn't know the establishment would field someone. There's no point in proposing new ideas, none of mine will be as good as Kraketopia's! I love Kraketopia! He has been the best Grand Admiral ever!"
Sean Donovan had a similar response: "Yeah, I was thinking about a run. But why challenge the old timers? I know greatness has been achieved by those who dared to stand up and fight for their ideas, but tbh I'm too lazy. Sorry I can't chat more, I have a spam thread to get back to."
"I'm definitely voting for Kraketopia," Sam Watson, who was previously forming a Presidential exploratory committee, told ENN. "I just bought a dozen Kraketopia / Trinnien buttons! There's nobody I trust to uphold the weary status quo than someone who has already done the job -- unless Writinglegend is seeking another term of course!"
"What Europeia needs is the stalest elections, filled with the most typical candidates, and comprising no elements of suspense or excitement," an excerpt from the Daily Europeian's unconditional endorsement of Kraketopia said, leading a few in our editorial staff to wonder if maybe the region should, in the spirit of Andrew Taylor, take a few more risks and pose some new ideas -- before quickly coming to our senses, of course.
Mr. Taylor is survived by his brother Anon Taylor, and mother Sarah Anumia-Taylor. A memorial service will be held in the Church of Swift, December 1st at Noon. In lieu of flowers, the family asks the people of Europeia to wake up and take some goddamn risks.
This was a fake report published by the E-News Network through the E-Mensa, which is the satirical arm of ENN Inc. This article does not represent the views of any institution or individual in the Europeian government. ENN Inc. is a private entity with no government involvement.
All the content in this article is satire. Any questions or concerns may be directed to HEM Tiberius, Publisher and Producer of The E-News Network, and President of ENN Inc..
All the content in this article is satire. Any questions or concerns may be directed to HEM Tiberius, Publisher and Producer of The E-News Network, and President of ENN Inc..
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