- Pronouns
- He/Him
To my Friend
March 22nd 2018
By Olde Delaware
I've sat down to write this article a few times today. It's not military related, so I hope my regular readers will forgive me. It touches on a lot of sensitive subjects and might ramble for a bit so I hope you will all indulge me as I get it out.
I think we all have those months, days or years where when the anniversary comes around its hard to be around or hard to remember. I personally have two, January 9th and March 31st. January 9th is when my dad passed away and March 31st is when I lost one of my best friends.
For three years she was the world to me. I had a not so secret crush on her, its wasn't mutual and she knew and let me down easy. She got me through the 'niceguy' phase of my life. You know the niceguys, the ones who say m'lady and act like their owed a girlfriend. She set me straight and we were inseparable. She was my best friend's ex, they stayed good friends and in turn when he introduced me to her we became immediate best friends. We did everything together, got late night food, sung along to the radio, took roadtrips to no where. She even got me my first girlfriend after my fiancee and I broke up with her winggirl skills.
Andrea was the life of the party.
She also had her demons, bad breakups with guys who wanted one thing while she wanted more. She chased the guys that were unavailable, ones she desperately loved but they couldn't or wouldn't reciprocate. She had a bad relationship with her family, which explains why she clung to mine. She was on medication and was known to make threats of suicide only to show up the next day, perfectly fine. Despite these setbacks she was tough, a junior at a pretty good University, working to get her Pharmacy license. With all of her issues in life, all she wanted to do was help others feel better.
The Month of March 2010 has always remained etched in my memory as the month where I could have stopped the train from going off the tracks. Andrea and I were always close, especially after she hooked me up with her best friend. We were the three musketeers. We did everything together, late night chats, etc. On March 1st, she started an affair with my best friend's friend named Matt. Matt was engaged, had a baby on the way. Down to earth and real guy. He had a thing for her and she him. He worked at a grocery store and no matter where we went, we would always end up at the store so they could talk.
This went on for a few weeks until it culminated in she and I watching a movie together at my house, she invited Matt and went to pick him up from work. We all sat and watched the movie, except for them. Their eyes were on each other. Once the movie was over, they were sitting a bit further apart. Something was different. Matt left to go to my friend's place which was around the corner and after I had a chance to talk with her I found out what happened. She professed her love, he decided that he wasn't going to leave his girlfriend and baby for her and left because she was pressuring him. I tried to tell her that it was probably for the best, so did my girlfriend, my mom and my cousins who stopped over. But she wouldn't listen.
The following Monday, March 22nd we got up for late night grub at a TGI Fridays in New Castle. It had been an unprecedented 3 days since I had seen her. She was bubbly, she was happy. She was taking lots of pictures of us together, not uncommon. I had a salad, she had mozzarella sticks. My girlfriend had something with jack daniels sauce. We laughed, it was good to see her calm and happy again. Before we left she pulled me aside and said "You know I love you right? You know that?" I told her that I loved her too. She smiled and took a selfie of me and her with a disposable camera. I thought it was a little weird but her best friend was like, that's her, you know that.
I should have seen the red flag but I didn't.
On March 30th, I had to go renew my license and I wanted a driving buddy so I called Andrea. We went and had a fun time, we even made faces at the DMV cameras. We also stopped for a bite and while out my mom asked me to stop and grab a few things from the store. The closest store was Matt's store, I offered to go elsewhere but she wanted to go there since it was closest. So we went. I did my shopping and she hung out in his department, when he refused to see her she kinda zoned out. She got calm, it was the strangest face I had ever seen her make.
I should have seen the red flag...but I didn't.
Later that night, our friends got up for a night out. It was 10pm, we wanted to get her to go with us so I made the call. After the 3rd time trying to reach her, she answered. I invited her to spend time with us, I put her on speaker so I could talk better. My girlfriend and I are talking via speaker when she says "I am going to kill myself tonight." I tried to talk her out of it but her best friend said no, she does this when she breaks up with someone. It's the 100th time she's said it. Just leave her alone." Undaunted, I called 911. Her best friend and her other friends told me to hang up, she does this every time she doesn't get what she wants.
I should have stayed on the phone with the Police...but I didn't.
She was found dead the next morning of an overdose of pills. She was 19 years old.
Her suicide destroyed everyone, all of her friends, her family. Everyone who knew her. Her best friend and I broke up, she started to make her death all about her and tried to pin the blame for not calling 911 when we knew on me. The people who were there that night made statements to the police that said I called 911 but she told me to hang up. Her family, which she never got along with quickly moved on with their life, her mother at the funeral cursing her death because it meant postponing their trip to Barcelona. My friend who introduced us ended up seeing a therapist for 3 years because of the guilt.
Her death came down on me hard because there were warning signs that I missed, a direct threat that I ignored against my better judgement and her real family seemed more interested in their trip than losing their daughter. It threw me back into a deep depression, one where I lashed out at everyone and anyone. Survivors guilt for not being there when she needed me to be and not seeing the warning signs sooner and anxiety.
Every year I sit to write this and wonder what I could have done differently, what if I hadn't gone to that store on March 30th, would she still be here? What happened if I had stayed on the phone with 911. What if I hadn't done this or said that. What if....
What if.
I sit on March 31st and remember the fun times and moments we had. I always end it by playing her favorite song, 'Over the Rainbow' to my friend. Who I miss everyday, who I think about every day and twice as much in March. To my dear friend who sits just there, over the rainbow. I miss you and I still love you and I am so sorry I let you down.
If you or anyone you know is suicidal, please, please call 1-800-273-8255. Suicide is not the answer, it is never the answer. Or reach out to me or anyone, I am here for you. We are here for you. You are loved, you are valued.
March 22nd 2018
By Olde Delaware
I've sat down to write this article a few times today. It's not military related, so I hope my regular readers will forgive me. It touches on a lot of sensitive subjects and might ramble for a bit so I hope you will all indulge me as I get it out.
I think we all have those months, days or years where when the anniversary comes around its hard to be around or hard to remember. I personally have two, January 9th and March 31st. January 9th is when my dad passed away and March 31st is when I lost one of my best friends.
For three years she was the world to me. I had a not so secret crush on her, its wasn't mutual and she knew and let me down easy. She got me through the 'niceguy' phase of my life. You know the niceguys, the ones who say m'lady and act like their owed a girlfriend. She set me straight and we were inseparable. She was my best friend's ex, they stayed good friends and in turn when he introduced me to her we became immediate best friends. We did everything together, got late night food, sung along to the radio, took roadtrips to no where. She even got me my first girlfriend after my fiancee and I broke up with her winggirl skills.
Andrea was the life of the party.
She also had her demons, bad breakups with guys who wanted one thing while she wanted more. She chased the guys that were unavailable, ones she desperately loved but they couldn't or wouldn't reciprocate. She had a bad relationship with her family, which explains why she clung to mine. She was on medication and was known to make threats of suicide only to show up the next day, perfectly fine. Despite these setbacks she was tough, a junior at a pretty good University, working to get her Pharmacy license. With all of her issues in life, all she wanted to do was help others feel better.
The Month of March 2010 has always remained etched in my memory as the month where I could have stopped the train from going off the tracks. Andrea and I were always close, especially after she hooked me up with her best friend. We were the three musketeers. We did everything together, late night chats, etc. On March 1st, she started an affair with my best friend's friend named Matt. Matt was engaged, had a baby on the way. Down to earth and real guy. He had a thing for her and she him. He worked at a grocery store and no matter where we went, we would always end up at the store so they could talk.
This went on for a few weeks until it culminated in she and I watching a movie together at my house, she invited Matt and went to pick him up from work. We all sat and watched the movie, except for them. Their eyes were on each other. Once the movie was over, they were sitting a bit further apart. Something was different. Matt left to go to my friend's place which was around the corner and after I had a chance to talk with her I found out what happened. She professed her love, he decided that he wasn't going to leave his girlfriend and baby for her and left because she was pressuring him. I tried to tell her that it was probably for the best, so did my girlfriend, my mom and my cousins who stopped over. But she wouldn't listen.
The following Monday, March 22nd we got up for late night grub at a TGI Fridays in New Castle. It had been an unprecedented 3 days since I had seen her. She was bubbly, she was happy. She was taking lots of pictures of us together, not uncommon. I had a salad, she had mozzarella sticks. My girlfriend had something with jack daniels sauce. We laughed, it was good to see her calm and happy again. Before we left she pulled me aside and said "You know I love you right? You know that?" I told her that I loved her too. She smiled and took a selfie of me and her with a disposable camera. I thought it was a little weird but her best friend was like, that's her, you know that.
I should have seen the red flag but I didn't.
On March 30th, I had to go renew my license and I wanted a driving buddy so I called Andrea. We went and had a fun time, we even made faces at the DMV cameras. We also stopped for a bite and while out my mom asked me to stop and grab a few things from the store. The closest store was Matt's store, I offered to go elsewhere but she wanted to go there since it was closest. So we went. I did my shopping and she hung out in his department, when he refused to see her she kinda zoned out. She got calm, it was the strangest face I had ever seen her make.
I should have seen the red flag...but I didn't.
Later that night, our friends got up for a night out. It was 10pm, we wanted to get her to go with us so I made the call. After the 3rd time trying to reach her, she answered. I invited her to spend time with us, I put her on speaker so I could talk better. My girlfriend and I are talking via speaker when she says "I am going to kill myself tonight." I tried to talk her out of it but her best friend said no, she does this when she breaks up with someone. It's the 100th time she's said it. Just leave her alone." Undaunted, I called 911. Her best friend and her other friends told me to hang up, she does this every time she doesn't get what she wants.
I should have stayed on the phone with the Police...but I didn't.
She was found dead the next morning of an overdose of pills. She was 19 years old.
Her suicide destroyed everyone, all of her friends, her family. Everyone who knew her. Her best friend and I broke up, she started to make her death all about her and tried to pin the blame for not calling 911 when we knew on me. The people who were there that night made statements to the police that said I called 911 but she told me to hang up. Her family, which she never got along with quickly moved on with their life, her mother at the funeral cursing her death because it meant postponing their trip to Barcelona. My friend who introduced us ended up seeing a therapist for 3 years because of the guilt.
Her death came down on me hard because there were warning signs that I missed, a direct threat that I ignored against my better judgement and her real family seemed more interested in their trip than losing their daughter. It threw me back into a deep depression, one where I lashed out at everyone and anyone. Survivors guilt for not being there when she needed me to be and not seeing the warning signs sooner and anxiety.
Every year I sit to write this and wonder what I could have done differently, what if I hadn't gone to that store on March 30th, would she still be here? What happened if I had stayed on the phone with 911. What if I hadn't done this or said that. What if....
What if.
I sit on March 31st and remember the fun times and moments we had. I always end it by playing her favorite song, 'Over the Rainbow' to my friend. Who I miss everyday, who I think about every day and twice as much in March. To my dear friend who sits just there, over the rainbow. I miss you and I still love you and I am so sorry I let you down.
If you or anyone you know is suicidal, please, please call 1-800-273-8255. Suicide is not the answer, it is never the answer. Or reach out to me or anyone, I am here for you. We are here for you. You are loved, you are valued.
*hugs tight*
