Throne of Stress

Olde Delaware

Honos Habet Onus
Deputy Minister
TW: Self Harm, Bullying, Abuse

"You live your life on a throne of stress"

You know when the Psych at the Hospital told me that I didn't know what he meant but I guess I understand it more as time goes by. You would think that my "acting out" would be confined to just Euro but as the time went on in the hospital and I didn't know what was happening to me, I started doing it there too. Just like in Euro, there were consequences. One of them ended up changing my life for the better because I got to meet the Psych team at the hospital. They weren't worried about me hurting myself and I hadn't made statements to that affect but it was clear that there was something wrong and while they can't spend hours talking to one person they did help me to understand somethings about myself.

I was born in 1987 to an older mother and father, my mom was 35 and my dad was 42 when I was born, my mom was told she could never have kids so I was a "surprise" and a "miracle". My mother also had undiagnosed and diagnosed mental issues that I would deal with growing up and affected me in ways I didn't understand then because I was a child. There were things I had to do and deal with as a child that no child should have to deal with. I was also born with a genetic deficiency that runs in the males in my mom's side of the family, the inability to lose weight easily. As a result as a child I was fat, 150lbs when kids that age were 40-50lbs. I got bullied relentlessly, day in and day out, from preschool to high school. I remember in 3rd grade breaking down and asking one kid what it would take for them to stop bullying me, they told me to kill myself. I went home and tried, multiple times.

I was 9 years old.

At home things weren't much better, my parents were both disabled and old fashioned. My mom expected my dad and I to do almost everything. I remember one year for my birthday my mom got me new trash cans as a gift. She thought it was funny, I didn't really think so. Things definitely got worse in 2003 when my dad died because I became the sole supporter for my mom and the foil to a lot of her mental abuse now that my dad was gone. I got my first full time "under the table" job at 15 and my day consisted of up at 7, go to school, come home at 3, go to work at 4 to midnight, come home, eat, homework, etc, bed by 3, back up at 7. Even on weekends my mom expected things to be done and that "people in the real world work 18 hours and still come home and do laundry." I mean I get it, but I doubt they were 16 and juggling two jobs and school and taking care of a family member.

I had a scholarship to go to college I had to give up because my mom ended up having two heart attacks and the state required her to have a caregiver at home and we couldn't afford one. It wasn't like I had As and Bs or anything, but it would have been nice to go.

My mom passed away in 2019.

I'm leaving a lot out still but that's the jist of what I went through growing up.

What does this have to do with Euro?

Sky today said something that made me think and it was about letting things go. I's very hard for me to do so. Just like its hard for me to make friends. Lethen told me once that I need to stop assuming everyone I meet is my friend and understands the things I say or goes along with them. I remember when I first met Sopo and I tried too hard to be his friend that he chastised me for it. I come on really strong and from what I understand in talking to my therapist its a symptom and common one at that from being bullied and going through mental abuse as a child. I can't tell you how many times I fight with Dre or Sky then ask them if they hate me, they always tell me no but I know their disappointed.

Don't feel bad, I am disappointed too.

I am trying so hard to fight through this malaise and depression and trying to "let go" of things and the past and it just keeps clawing back with a vengeance. Rand thought I hated him for years, I had to tell him no, I don't hate him or anyone. I have knock down, drag out fights with Andy but I don't hate them. At the moment Lethen, someone I've known for years is ghosting me and it's because of how I've been acting and treating him and I've only got myself to blame. My past experience is not an excuse to act like an asshole, and I don't expect him to talk to me and he has every right to ignore me. But I do miss him.

Look if you've followed me through this sad rant, I appreciate you. I guess the gist of this is that I'm not trying to be an asshole or ruin anyone's fun. I'm working through my issues the best that I can. I'm not eloquent like DH but I recognize that there's a problem with me and I'm doing the best I can to get through it. I know I don't deserve any latitude or benefit of the doubt but I have been open with what I've been going through in the past and Its important for me to keep doing so now.

OD, you are a valued member of this community. Yes, there are times that you push an argument too far, or keep an argument going when it would probably be better to step away from it and let it go. And yeah, that is sometimes going to upset people, and it's good to make every effort to recognize when that is happening because it will make both you and them feel better in the long term (I know you don't enjoy feeling like people are upset with you, it's the reason you ask some of the questions you mentioned above). But I also know that you aren't doing it, as you say above, "to be an asshole" - and I think most of the people hanging around here know that as well. People here care about you and want you to do well, and as long as you are making honest to goodness efforts to recognize when things you say or do might cross a line, that's all anyone can really ask. And incidentally, making those efforts doesn't mean you're automatically always in the wrong when you feel like people aren't treating you the best - there are definitely times that interactions that have gone south between you and others in Euro have gone south for reasons that both parties are responsible for, and a little more thought and empathy on everyone's party could probably have defused those situations before they escalated. You certainly aren't always the one to blame, even if it might be true that learning to "let go" of some things more, when possible, could certainly help.

Anyway, all that word salad is to say you're cared about here OD, and I think the vast majority of people here want what's best for you and for you to feel safe, comfortable, and happy in the community. I can't speak for anyone but me, but I do think I'm right on this.
OD, shedding light on your background has enabled me to understand you better.

I'm sorry to hear about your stressful childhood. In an ideal world, everybody should be able to enjoy lighthearted and innocent childhoods without the burden of adult responsibilities such as work & financial matters. For better or for worse, we are all the product of our environment and upbringing.

It's definitely a good idea to learn when it's appropriate to let things go. We would feel better and healthier for it.
OD, thanks for sharing this. I know revealing any part of your true self in this game isn't easy. And while we are all bringing past hurts and pains to this silly little game, it's more than clear that you've had more than your fair share of struggles.

I agree with Lloen that you are cared for, and that this community is rooting for you.

That being said... I do wonder if it's time for you to start asking some hard questions about what role this game can//should play in your life -- and is it positive?

There is just so much history here, and I've seen you pick up that history time and time again. I've absolutely never seen you as a villain -- even when we've been at odds -- but I have seen you as a character who cannot get out of his own way.

And you are fully taking responsibility for that here.

But... the cycles have repeated so many times, as someone who cares about you, I *have* to ask: Is it really just you, or is it also this game?

I had to step away from the bulk of the region for roughly six months because I just felt too tangled up in everything. It all felt so personal, so targeted, so constant. My relationship with the game was totally in a funk.

As someone who has gone through this...I think I see some of that in you too.

Of course, I don't know. How could I? Your story is your own.

But I would encourage you to also think about this. Because if it is the game feeding into some of *waves hands* this, maybe it would be better in the bigger picture to take a breath. Better for you as a whole person.

Anyway, I am sure this was very in-artfully typed out. But I didn't want to leave it unsaid.
OD You and I have always been pretty cool! I know it's hard to put things out there like you did in this post. You are a major part of this community and if you ever need to talk you know my Dm's are always open. I am a very good listener!
First, let me start by thanking you for sharing. Like Cordova, it has allowed me to understand you a bit better. I'm glad you trusted us enough to shed some light on what your life is and has been.

Second, it leads me to reiterating what everyone else has said so far: you are a part of this community. I went back to the archives to figure out if you were already here when I came in back in '09 - and then realised it didn't matter. Simply asking the question kind of illustrates how I think you're entwined in the fabric of Europeia.

Third, I'd like to piggyback on the question HEM asked, as I have the same concern coming from a similar experience. When HEM says

HEM said:
I just felt too tangled up in everything. It all felt so personal, so targeted, so constant.

it illustrates a situation I have found myself in many times over (almost cyclically, as HEM noted). I do not pretend to understand your situation, or to equate mine with yours... I just wanted to add to what HEM said about taking a moment away from Europeia, as it has applied to me, to him and I think to everyone who is in good standing in the region:

Taking a moment away from the game is not seen as a gesture of weakness;
Taking time to recalibrate one's involvement in NS is not held above a person's head, and, most importantly,
You will always be welcomed back with open arms and more than a few smiles when you come back, if you choose to.

If Euro and NS in general can be of help in your journey, excellent. It would suck if it negatively affected the person behind Olde Delaware.

I have no idea how to close this post, so... take care, alright?
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