- Pronouns
- He/Him
TW: Self Harm, Bullying, Abuse
"You live your life on a throne of stress"
You know when the Psych at the Hospital told me that I didn't know what he meant but I guess I understand it more as time goes by. You would think that my "acting out" would be confined to just Euro but as the time went on in the hospital and I didn't know what was happening to me, I started doing it there too. Just like in Euro, there were consequences. One of them ended up changing my life for the better because I got to meet the Psych team at the hospital. They weren't worried about me hurting myself and I hadn't made statements to that affect but it was clear that there was something wrong and while they can't spend hours talking to one person they did help me to understand somethings about myself.
I was born in 1987 to an older mother and father, my mom was 35 and my dad was 42 when I was born, my mom was told she could never have kids so I was a "surprise" and a "miracle". My mother also had undiagnosed and diagnosed mental issues that I would deal with growing up and affected me in ways I didn't understand then because I was a child. There were things I had to do and deal with as a child that no child should have to deal with. I was also born with a genetic deficiency that runs in the males in my mom's side of the family, the inability to lose weight easily. As a result as a child I was fat, 150lbs when kids that age were 40-50lbs. I got bullied relentlessly, day in and day out, from preschool to high school. I remember in 3rd grade breaking down and asking one kid what it would take for them to stop bullying me, they told me to kill myself. I went home and tried, multiple times.
I was 9 years old.
At home things weren't much better, my parents were both disabled and old fashioned. My mom expected my dad and I to do almost everything. I remember one year for my birthday my mom got me new trash cans as a gift. She thought it was funny, I didn't really think so. Things definitely got worse in 2003 when my dad died because I became the sole supporter for my mom and the foil to a lot of her mental abuse now that my dad was gone. I got my first full time "under the table" job at 15 and my day consisted of up at 7, go to school, come home at 3, go to work at 4 to midnight, come home, eat, homework, etc, bed by 3, back up at 7. Even on weekends my mom expected things to be done and that "people in the real world work 18 hours and still come home and do laundry." I mean I get it, but I doubt they were 16 and juggling two jobs and school and taking care of a family member.
I had a scholarship to go to college I had to give up because my mom ended up having two heart attacks and the state required her to have a caregiver at home and we couldn't afford one. It wasn't like I had As and Bs or anything, but it would have been nice to go.
My mom passed away in 2019.
I'm leaving a lot out still but that's the jist of what I went through growing up.
What does this have to do with Euro?
Sky today said something that made me think and it was about letting things go. I just...it's very hard for me to do so. Just like its hard for me to make friends. Lethen told me once that I need to stop assuming everyone I meet is my friend and understands the things I say or goes along with them. I remember when I first met Sopo and I tried too hard to be his friend that he chastised me for it. I come on really strong and from what I understand in talking to my therapist its a symptom and common one at that from being bullied and going through mental abuse as a child. I can't tell you how many times I fight with Dre or Sky then ask them if they hate me, they always tell me no but I know their disappointed.
Don't feel bad, I am disappointed too.
I am trying so hard to fight through this malaise and depression and trying to "let go" of things and the past and it just keeps clawing back with a vengeance. Rand thought I hated him for years, I had to tell him no, I don't hate him or anyone. I have knock down, drag out fights with Andy but I don't hate them. At the moment Lethen, someone I've known for years is ghosting me and it's because of how I've been acting and treating him and I've only got myself to blame. My past experience is not an excuse to act like an asshole, and I don't expect him to talk to me and he has every right to ignore me. But I do miss him.
Look if you've followed me through this sad rant, I appreciate you. I guess the gist of this is that I'm not trying to be an asshole or ruin anyone's fun. I'm working through my issues the best that I can. I'm not eloquent like DH but I recognize that there's a problem with me and I'm doing the best I can to get through it. I know I don't deserve any latitude or benefit of the doubt but I have been open with what I've been going through in the past and Its important for me to keep doing so now.
Thanks
"You live your life on a throne of stress"
You know when the Psych at the Hospital told me that I didn't know what he meant but I guess I understand it more as time goes by. You would think that my "acting out" would be confined to just Euro but as the time went on in the hospital and I didn't know what was happening to me, I started doing it there too. Just like in Euro, there were consequences. One of them ended up changing my life for the better because I got to meet the Psych team at the hospital. They weren't worried about me hurting myself and I hadn't made statements to that affect but it was clear that there was something wrong and while they can't spend hours talking to one person they did help me to understand somethings about myself.
I was born in 1987 to an older mother and father, my mom was 35 and my dad was 42 when I was born, my mom was told she could never have kids so I was a "surprise" and a "miracle". My mother also had undiagnosed and diagnosed mental issues that I would deal with growing up and affected me in ways I didn't understand then because I was a child. There were things I had to do and deal with as a child that no child should have to deal with. I was also born with a genetic deficiency that runs in the males in my mom's side of the family, the inability to lose weight easily. As a result as a child I was fat, 150lbs when kids that age were 40-50lbs. I got bullied relentlessly, day in and day out, from preschool to high school. I remember in 3rd grade breaking down and asking one kid what it would take for them to stop bullying me, they told me to kill myself. I went home and tried, multiple times.
I was 9 years old.
At home things weren't much better, my parents were both disabled and old fashioned. My mom expected my dad and I to do almost everything. I remember one year for my birthday my mom got me new trash cans as a gift. She thought it was funny, I didn't really think so. Things definitely got worse in 2003 when my dad died because I became the sole supporter for my mom and the foil to a lot of her mental abuse now that my dad was gone. I got my first full time "under the table" job at 15 and my day consisted of up at 7, go to school, come home at 3, go to work at 4 to midnight, come home, eat, homework, etc, bed by 3, back up at 7. Even on weekends my mom expected things to be done and that "people in the real world work 18 hours and still come home and do laundry." I mean I get it, but I doubt they were 16 and juggling two jobs and school and taking care of a family member.
I had a scholarship to go to college I had to give up because my mom ended up having two heart attacks and the state required her to have a caregiver at home and we couldn't afford one. It wasn't like I had As and Bs or anything, but it would have been nice to go.
My mom passed away in 2019.
I'm leaving a lot out still but that's the jist of what I went through growing up.
What does this have to do with Euro?
Sky today said something that made me think and it was about letting things go. I just...it's very hard for me to do so. Just like its hard for me to make friends. Lethen told me once that I need to stop assuming everyone I meet is my friend and understands the things I say or goes along with them. I remember when I first met Sopo and I tried too hard to be his friend that he chastised me for it. I come on really strong and from what I understand in talking to my therapist its a symptom and common one at that from being bullied and going through mental abuse as a child. I can't tell you how many times I fight with Dre or Sky then ask them if they hate me, they always tell me no but I know their disappointed.
Don't feel bad, I am disappointed too.
I am trying so hard to fight through this malaise and depression and trying to "let go" of things and the past and it just keeps clawing back with a vengeance. Rand thought I hated him for years, I had to tell him no, I don't hate him or anyone. I have knock down, drag out fights with Andy but I don't hate them. At the moment Lethen, someone I've known for years is ghosting me and it's because of how I've been acting and treating him and I've only got myself to blame. My past experience is not an excuse to act like an asshole, and I don't expect him to talk to me and he has every right to ignore me. But I do miss him.
Look if you've followed me through this sad rant, I appreciate you. I guess the gist of this is that I'm not trying to be an asshole or ruin anyone's fun. I'm working through my issues the best that I can. I'm not eloquent like DH but I recognize that there's a problem with me and I'm doing the best I can to get through it. I know I don't deserve any latitude or benefit of the doubt but I have been open with what I've been going through in the past and Its important for me to keep doing so now.
Thanks
