[Satirical Corners]A New Pandemic Cripples Europeia






Anime Girl Fever Sweeps Europeia
Tens of Citizens Afflicted

Written by Monkey




Virologists and medical health professionals have begun to become increasingly concerned at the new viral infection that has been ravaging Europeia over the last few days. The virus in question, which has been identified as AN1M5-G1RL (AG), has been identified as a highly infectious disease that causes a variety of symptoms, including a change in the outward appearance of the infected as well as causing delusions and leading them to say nonsensical phrases.

The virus previously was of low concern, and believed to be genetic, rather than infectious. The most well-known case in this region was Cawaii Koolidge, who has been known to suffer from its effects from time to time. Symptoms of AG include slowly shifting one's outward appearance to present as an anime girl, as well as viewing and discussing anime, a Japanese animation style. We sat down with a leading virologist, Limon, to discover how this virus may have begun to spread.

Limon is current university studying international relations (to be clear, he has no formal biological training, but someone in his immediate family studied medicine or something, so we thought he was credible enough). Limon has been watching the spread of this virus with grave concern. When asked about the origins of the infection, his office released the following:

"Erm, yeah, well I don't really know. I never studied this stuff, so I don't know why you're asking me. I've just been selling beans and rice at a grocery store these last few days. I think anime girls are rubbish. They're ugly. I hate Taylor Swift. Is there aff tae be a cure fur this soon".

Unfortunately, the remainder of his comment was lost to translation errors as our scottish interpreter succumbed to the virus mid-translation.

We spoke to actual virologists who knew what they were doing, and they believed that while the virus originally posed no threat to the Europeian population, several key mutations allowed it to be infectious. The first infected patient was believed to be our beloved minister of communications himself, LandBrown36. On January 4, he was afflicted with the virus, and quickly turned into Sailor Uranus, a departure from his previous 'McSpankies' persona. We were able to quickly identify key symptoms of the virus, as he spewed nonsense garbled language, such as 'moe moe kyun', and 'deredere' and 'Dork, you're a tsundere'. However, at the time, LandBrown36 was the only active case, and the region had no cause to be alarmed. At this point, the virus was infectious, but still had an extremely low rate of spreading.

The virus accelerated its spread and became a serious threat to the community earlier last week, on January 8. After a detailed investigation, it was found that Eurochat was having an intellectual discussion on military and foreign policy in NationStates, when highly-respected Europeian cabinet member Gorilla succumbed to the disease. We believe that the virus had infected him while he was exposed to LandBrown36, but symptoms appeared hours later. He quickly became an anime girl, and similarily began using nonsense, garbled language. Well-known citizens such as UPS, Xerox, and The Law, were among the first to be infected. During this period, Cawaii Koolidge was also re-infected, due to his susceptibility from previous run-ins with the virus (RIP).

Sadge, a visiting dignitary from The Yeast Pacific (TYP), witnessed the horrifying events of that night, and quickly fled Europeia, retreating back to TYP. They are currently closing their borders with Europeia to prevent the further spread of this pandemic, and Sadge is under a strict quarantine.

President Peetonia was present during the night of the outbreak, and many criticized his handling of the pandemic. Rather than taking action to establish a quarantine and increase research towards finding a cure, he actually encouraged and was promoted in the spread of the virus. After being harshly criticized by the media, he resigned, allowing German green leader Robert Habeck to declare a state of emergency in Europeia. Peetonia's office later released the following statement before he was shortly kicked out of the Silverblock:

"Peetonia regrets nothing. Peetonia is not anime girl now, but he will be soon. Everyone will be anime girl".

Peetonia is currently hiding in a secret bunker near the Silverblock from the crowds of angry Europeians who are furious with his mishandling of the pandemic. Some have even compared it to Trump's handling of the coronavirus (mostly agreeing that they would have preferred Trump over Peetonia). Fortunately, German green leader Robert Habeck has come out against the spread of the virus, and encourages all Europeians to take the proper precautions to stop the spread.

Throughout the following day, more and more Europeians began being infected. Vorp, AlarmClock, Slothpo, Loki, and Birdflys were only a few of the dozens of Europeians who fell ill to this disease. Other citizens like Naobab, Forilllian, and Dorksleigher have pushed for rigorous quarantine and hygiene processes to keep themselves healthy, even going so far as to very passionately declare "I WILL NOT BE AN ANIME GIRL POG" at those infected. The infected Europeians have tried to encourage the spread through declaring a 'theme week', a clear front for spreading the virus and bolstering their numbers.

The virus spreads most effectively through direct peer pressure, however scientists suspect that even exposure may be risky. Europeians are advised to limit contact with the infected, retreating onto the forums if necessary, where cases are lower. The virus spreads most effectively and easily when there are high numbers of infected citizens in Eurochat, and low numbers of uninfected civilians.

Scientists are working on more experiments to track the mutation of the virus. So far, there is a mutation that leads to a "half" infection. Cases like HEB or LandBrown36, in which they briefly change into an anime boy, fall under this category. Other cases, such as Itspillion, who changed briefly into an anime girl but was able to recover overnight, are also believed to be attributed to this weaker strain.

We later reconvened with leading, yet highly incompetent, virologist Limon with a new scottish translator.

"Um, so yeah I feel like it's dangerous. I think it's something we should watch out for", said Limon, twisting the curls in his long, flowing, animated hair. "I dunno. Maybe it's not such a bad thing after all".

The EBC encourages all healthy citizens to stay safe, and to avoid contact with the infected population. Although, I guess anime girls aren't that bad anyway, we could be suffering from worse.


 
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