[SATIRE] Vice President UPC Arrested After Crime Spree

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VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE, 34 GOLDENBLOCK AVENUE, ARNHELM - Vice President UPC was arrested in his office in the Goldenblock earlier today after charges of assault were filed against him. The disgraced politician was seen poking people all around Europeia throughout the last few days. Among others, this long list of victims include subordinates who wouldn’t do their jobs, President Kazaman for not card farming, and Minister for Interior GC for not going to bed. The ARN has acquired evidence of UPC’s actions:
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The terrifying poking streak has reportedly left a Europeian blind in one eye, caused a leak in the Goldenblock’s roof, and left depressed areas on the backs of Vice Presidential assistants.

However, while the ARN was researching for this article, we received some bombshell news that further exposed the Vice President’s crime spree. First, we asked UPC for comments on his arrest, and got the following response:
“I am unsure where these preposterous accusations came from, but rest assured that the ARN will be hearing from my lawyers. Be careful where you *poke* your nose, it would be a darned shame to end up on the bad side of the card cabal.”

His mention of the card cabal gave the ARN some hints as to who was directing this outlaw masquerading to be our Vice President. After about three seconds of thinking and five hours of waiting on hold, the ARN managed to reach UPC’s boss, President Kazaman, who dropped more bombshell news:
"UPC's card mafia has gotten out of hand. Just yesterday I saw them selling antique furniture from the Goldenblock to buy more Legendaries. I've opened talks with the Senate about impeachment."

This terrible expose has been forwarded to the police, who have charged UPC with counts of theft on top of assault. When asked for interview, the police chief refused to say any more than that the Cards Cabal will now be investigated for illicit activities.

As the forefront truth-seeking and crime-denouncing organisation in Europeia, the ARN hereby denounces the Cards Cabal for the crime-creating, corrupted organisation that it is.

In other news, Chief Justice OnderKelkia has introduced a curfew in the High Court in order to force Justice Darkslayer to sleep earlier.

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The Card Cabal will get you for this one!!!
 
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