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SENATIA BUILDING, ARNHELM- Vice President Istillian was escorted off the Senate floor after stumbling into the main chamber at around 11:50 pm and starting to drunkenly swear at the Senators in the building, who were discussing oversight. A Senate aide who did not wish to be named described the event:
“Senator Monkey was monkeying around in the chamber while talking about how rouge ministers need to be reined in... I think he was sitting in Senator Baobab’s chair when we heard some loud bangs at the door followed by a red-faced Australian who started screaming and yelling in a thick Australian accent. Another aide next to me recognised him as the Vice President, and started approaching him and asking him what was going on - next thing I knew, Istillian was aiming a beer bottle at her!”
The ARN could not obtain a transcript of Vice President Istillian’s drunken antics, but was told that it contained a lot of Australian slang that we wouldn’t understand anyways. Shortly after Istillian finished delivering his drunken tirade, Senate Speaker UPC alerted Senate Police and they arrived on premises to escort the disgraced Vice President away.
Vice President Istillian has been charged with attempted assault. Despite this, the chief of police, when reached for comment, noted that had Istillian not aimed a beer bottle at a poor and defenceless Senate aide, all would have been fine; in fact, Istillian would have been given a medal for “true Europeian behaviour”. In addition, the Australian government has commended Istillian for “acting like a true Aussie” and that “if he is not welcome in Europeia anymore after this event, Australia will welcome him with open arms for some shrimp on the barbie.” President Calvin Coolidge could not be reached for comment; however, sources in the Goldenblock say that the President will be pardoning Istillian and Ovating him for also acting like a “true Europeian”, being drunk at ungodly hours of the morning and acting like it.
In other news, studies report that 90% of Europeians are drunk at any given time.
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“Senator Monkey was monkeying around in the chamber while talking about how rouge ministers need to be reined in... I think he was sitting in Senator Baobab’s chair when we heard some loud bangs at the door followed by a red-faced Australian who started screaming and yelling in a thick Australian accent. Another aide next to me recognised him as the Vice President, and started approaching him and asking him what was going on - next thing I knew, Istillian was aiming a beer bottle at her!”
The ARN could not obtain a transcript of Vice President Istillian’s drunken antics, but was told that it contained a lot of Australian slang that we wouldn’t understand anyways. Shortly after Istillian finished delivering his drunken tirade, Senate Speaker UPC alerted Senate Police and they arrived on premises to escort the disgraced Vice President away.
Vice President Istillian has been charged with attempted assault. Despite this, the chief of police, when reached for comment, noted that had Istillian not aimed a beer bottle at a poor and defenceless Senate aide, all would have been fine; in fact, Istillian would have been given a medal for “true Europeian behaviour”. In addition, the Australian government has commended Istillian for “acting like a true Aussie” and that “if he is not welcome in Europeia anymore after this event, Australia will welcome him with open arms for some shrimp on the barbie.” President Calvin Coolidge could not be reached for comment; however, sources in the Goldenblock say that the President will be pardoning Istillian and Ovating him for also acting like a “true Europeian”, being drunk at ungodly hours of the morning and acting like it.
In other news, studies report that 90% of Europeians are drunk at any given time.
A REAL NEWSPAPER - EUROPEIA’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE
