- Pronouns
- He/Him
Guest submission by @Ervald
FLOOR OF THE SENATE, 34 GOLDENBLOCK AVENUE, ARNHELM - After Senator HEM introduced the Pro-Involvement Amendment to Elections Act (2021) a few days ago that sparked several days of passionate debate about the role of GOTVing and if the Supreme Chancellery should maintain a GOTV opt-out list, HEM came to the Senate today to introduce a new bill.
Speaking to the rest of the senate, “My fellow senators, I have realized that many of my constituents were unhappy with the bill I introduced a few days ago. I will be motioning soon to withdraw that bill. However, you may ask what the flaw with that bill was. Is it because my experience with GOTVing is very different from what other people experience? Is it because the role of GOTVing is different nowadays? Absolutely not! It is because I was attacking opt-out, not opt-in. A private citizen recently started an opt-in list which makes me very concerned that the Supreme Chancellery could do the same very soon. I am now introducing this bill called the Improved Subjective Political Involvement Amendment to Election Act.”
From a quick glance, it is an exact replica of the opt-out GOTV list bill but instead, it prohibits a opt-in list maintained by the Supreme Chancellery. With the introduction of this bill, Senator HEM could see the looks of confusion that his colleagues expressed. It didn’t help with all of the by-elections and the former speaker resigning, there was absolute chaos on the floor. Senator Forilian was trying to hang up Canadian flags all over the room, Sanjurika and Calvin were having a contest on who could crawl across the room the slowest, and Malashaan was taking notes waiting for the next opportunity to file a judicial review against the speaker. It didn’t help that Senator HEM, while speaking, was downing gallons of Diet Coke trying to convince himself this was better than the deep-fried jorts diet he has been doing.
Senator HEM kept on speaking “I will now elaborate my main three points for this opt-in bill.
First, why should citizens opt-in? Doesn’t this make it so much more difficult for candidates to GOTV? I mean, they would have to find some thread that is nearly impossible to find in the blink of a second because more than half of our citizens don’t even know the “New posts” function exists on our forum!
Second, the Supreme Chancellery should instead be focusing on maintaining traditions and elections. For example, who else will maintain the tradition of our SC procrastinating from writing speeches and trying to pass that buck to our citizens to write? Who else will make everyone anxious on Election Day because nobody knows who is going to open the polls or when? It is imperative that the SC can not be distracted from self-deprecating jokes about their soft power, especially not an opt-in thread that is so incredibly complex to maintain. How could they, with hands shaking with anxiety from the responsibilities associated with having soft power!
Third, for god sake, Discord is supposed to be purgatory or hell for everyone. I didn’t waste my time writing those articles just for people to try make it the opposite. It is called discord. It is in the name. If I log on in an hour and I don’t find it hellish or purgatory-esque, I will take you all out. I found this region and I can end this region.”
As Senator HEM ended his speech, a lone man from the gallery shouted out “DISCORD DELENDA EST!” and security promptly escorted him out of the chamber. There is not much more detail on who the individual was except that he was extremely irritated when the guards asked him to speak in a French dialect they could understand.
On the topic of the bill, none of the senators responded for comments except that Senator Malashaan said he is hoping that if the bill passes, it will lead to a High Court case.
In other news, Senator Sanjurika won the slow crawl race.
A REAL NEWSPAPER - EUROPEIA’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE
FLOOR OF THE SENATE, 34 GOLDENBLOCK AVENUE, ARNHELM - After Senator HEM introduced the Pro-Involvement Amendment to Elections Act (2021) a few days ago that sparked several days of passionate debate about the role of GOTVing and if the Supreme Chancellery should maintain a GOTV opt-out list, HEM came to the Senate today to introduce a new bill.
Speaking to the rest of the senate, “My fellow senators, I have realized that many of my constituents were unhappy with the bill I introduced a few days ago. I will be motioning soon to withdraw that bill. However, you may ask what the flaw with that bill was. Is it because my experience with GOTVing is very different from what other people experience? Is it because the role of GOTVing is different nowadays? Absolutely not! It is because I was attacking opt-out, not opt-in. A private citizen recently started an opt-in list which makes me very concerned that the Supreme Chancellery could do the same very soon. I am now introducing this bill called the Improved Subjective Political Involvement Amendment to Election Act.”
From a quick glance, it is an exact replica of the opt-out GOTV list bill but instead, it prohibits a opt-in list maintained by the Supreme Chancellery. With the introduction of this bill, Senator HEM could see the looks of confusion that his colleagues expressed. It didn’t help with all of the by-elections and the former speaker resigning, there was absolute chaos on the floor. Senator Forilian was trying to hang up Canadian flags all over the room, Sanjurika and Calvin were having a contest on who could crawl across the room the slowest, and Malashaan was taking notes waiting for the next opportunity to file a judicial review against the speaker. It didn’t help that Senator HEM, while speaking, was downing gallons of Diet Coke trying to convince himself this was better than the deep-fried jorts diet he has been doing.
Senator HEM kept on speaking “I will now elaborate my main three points for this opt-in bill.
First, why should citizens opt-in? Doesn’t this make it so much more difficult for candidates to GOTV? I mean, they would have to find some thread that is nearly impossible to find in the blink of a second because more than half of our citizens don’t even know the “New posts” function exists on our forum!
Second, the Supreme Chancellery should instead be focusing on maintaining traditions and elections. For example, who else will maintain the tradition of our SC procrastinating from writing speeches and trying to pass that buck to our citizens to write? Who else will make everyone anxious on Election Day because nobody knows who is going to open the polls or when? It is imperative that the SC can not be distracted from self-deprecating jokes about their soft power, especially not an opt-in thread that is so incredibly complex to maintain. How could they, with hands shaking with anxiety from the responsibilities associated with having soft power!
Third, for god sake, Discord is supposed to be purgatory or hell for everyone. I didn’t waste my time writing those articles just for people to try make it the opposite. It is called discord. It is in the name. If I log on in an hour and I don’t find it hellish or purgatory-esque, I will take you all out. I found this region and I can end this region.”
As Senator HEM ended his speech, a lone man from the gallery shouted out “DISCORD DELENDA EST!” and security promptly escorted him out of the chamber. There is not much more detail on who the individual was except that he was extremely irritated when the guards asked him to speak in a French dialect they could understand.
On the topic of the bill, none of the senators responded for comments except that Senator Malashaan said he is hoping that if the bill passes, it will lead to a High Court case.
In other news, Senator Sanjurika won the slow crawl race.
A REAL NEWSPAPER - EUROPEIA’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE
Very nice.
