- Pronouns
- He/Him
DEPARTMENT FOR EUROPEIAN HEALTH, ARNHELM - The public health officer for Europeia declared a public health emergency today after reports of Europeians’ unhealthy habits reached a breaking point. In a public statement, the health officer stated the recent revelation that former President Calvin Coolidge vaped was “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
“In the past weeks and months, we have received increasingly egregious reports of unhealthy habits, starting with Darkslayer and his disturbingly fibre-free diet, then with GC and his consumption of mayo. However, in the past days, two major confessions were particularly of concern to the Department of Health. First, founder and Senator HEM reported that he consumed several litres of Diet Coke per day, which was actionable enough on its own. Then, Senator Calvin Coolidge reportedly vaped, which raised our concerns to the level of emergency. The Department has now taken action to prevent further harm being inflicted on Europeians.”
From Monday, 17 May, Diet Coke, mayo, and smoking pens will be banned in the Republic. An 11pm curfew will also be imposed all across Europeia, its RMB, discord server, and forums; and Darkslayer will be force-fed human food once a day. Previously tolerated activities, such as alcohol consumption, will be restricted. Those deemed to have health problems, such as those individuals listed above, will not be allowed to drink more than 1 litre of alcohol per day. Finally, HEM has also been banned from ordering takeout during radio shows, in order to reduce the amount of times he has to get up and leave the VC during shows.
In other news, sales of caffeinated drinks have gone up 70% as more Europeians abandon their sleep schedules due to the ever-increasing popularity of the Morvo Gang.
A REAL NEWSPAPER- EUROPEIA’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE
“In the past weeks and months, we have received increasingly egregious reports of unhealthy habits, starting with Darkslayer and his disturbingly fibre-free diet, then with GC and his consumption of mayo. However, in the past days, two major confessions were particularly of concern to the Department of Health. First, founder and Senator HEM reported that he consumed several litres of Diet Coke per day, which was actionable enough on its own. Then, Senator Calvin Coolidge reportedly vaped, which raised our concerns to the level of emergency. The Department has now taken action to prevent further harm being inflicted on Europeians.”
From Monday, 17 May, Diet Coke, mayo, and smoking pens will be banned in the Republic. An 11pm curfew will also be imposed all across Europeia, its RMB, discord server, and forums; and Darkslayer will be force-fed human food once a day. Previously tolerated activities, such as alcohol consumption, will be restricted. Those deemed to have health problems, such as those individuals listed above, will not be allowed to drink more than 1 litre of alcohol per day. Finally, HEM has also been banned from ordering takeout during radio shows, in order to reduce the amount of times he has to get up and leave the VC during shows.
In other news, sales of caffeinated drinks have gone up 70% as more Europeians abandon their sleep schedules due to the ever-increasing popularity of the Morvo Gang.
A REAL NEWSPAPER- EUROPEIA’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE
