- Pronouns
- He/Him
NETHELIAN TEMPLE, ARNHELM -- Following the untimely death of Pope HEM XXII, who tripped and drowned in a giant vat of diet coke while touring a factory, the conclave of cardinals met in Arnhelm yesterday to select the new head of the Church of Nethel. Despite speculations from commentators that a known, steady hand such as the Nethelian Chief of Staff or the Jorts Provisioner, second-in-command of the Nethelian Church, would be selected, the cardinals ultimately chose a hitherto unknown figure. Cal Coolridge, a South Arnhelm resident, was crowned the 1989th Pope, Vicar of Nethel, Successor of the Prince of All Jorts, Bishop of Arnhelm, and Holy Father of the Universal Supreme Church shortly after 7pm today.
Mr Coolridge, who took the name Pope Taylor, appeared in front of an extremely confused and shocked crowd, which had gathered in front of St. Sopo's Basilica. The new Pope seemed very sleep-deprived, with dark bags around his eyes -- in fact, onlookers reported that the Holy Father had an uncanny resemblance to a panda. Pope Taylor said in his inaugural address that becoming the Pope was beyond his Wildest Dreams, but that he would be Fearless going forward in executing his holy duties.
Mr Coolridge's religious affiliations are unknown. Despite rumours from neighbours and friends that Mr Coolridge is a secret member of the Shrine of Swift, the new Pope categorically denies these allegations and maintains that he has been a regular member of the Church of Nethel throughout his adult life. "I have always been a devout follower of our one true Overlord, Taylor Swif- I mean, Nethel, and will spend my term spreading Her -- I mean, His -- word."
His Holiness has promised reforms for the Church of Nethel. For example, he has already signed edicts to cut costs in the Church by converting the papal ring to paper. Church hymnals have been replaced by the complete anthology of Taylor Swift. The new Pope has also reportedly fired all the cardinals and priests of the Church for being too slow. These open positions will be filled by people who are quicker, or otherwise known as "Swifties."
In other news, you can't recall who the High Court judges are.
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Mr Coolridge, who took the name Pope Taylor, appeared in front of an extremely confused and shocked crowd, which had gathered in front of St. Sopo's Basilica. The new Pope seemed very sleep-deprived, with dark bags around his eyes -- in fact, onlookers reported that the Holy Father had an uncanny resemblance to a panda. Pope Taylor said in his inaugural address that becoming the Pope was beyond his Wildest Dreams, but that he would be Fearless going forward in executing his holy duties.
Mr Coolridge's religious affiliations are unknown. Despite rumours from neighbours and friends that Mr Coolridge is a secret member of the Shrine of Swift, the new Pope categorically denies these allegations and maintains that he has been a regular member of the Church of Nethel throughout his adult life. "I have always been a devout follower of our one true Overlord, Taylor Swif- I mean, Nethel, and will spend my term spreading Her -- I mean, His -- word."
His Holiness has promised reforms for the Church of Nethel. For example, he has already signed edicts to cut costs in the Church by converting the papal ring to paper. Church hymnals have been replaced by the complete anthology of Taylor Swift. The new Pope has also reportedly fired all the cardinals and priests of the Church for being too slow. These open positions will be filled by people who are quicker, or otherwise known as "Swifties."
In other news, you can't recall who the High Court judges are.
A REAL NEWSPAPER -- EUROPEIA'S FINEST NEWS SOURCE
