Request for Advice


Never Honorable, sometimes Right
So I saw Kuramia's thread on forgiveness, made my reply, and it got me going on the idea of "giving" and "moral imperatives." So now, after having spoken with a counselor about this previously, I once again come to all of you to dump my emotional baggage and hopefully find some help sifting through all of it.

There are seven words for love in the Greek language.

There is a person I'm very close to that reminds me a lot of myself. We used to be a lot closer, but it was more by duty to one another than by any choice. Regardless, I got to know him more and more, but I constantly found myself frustrated by our inability to properly communicate with each other. I've always been effective at pinning down a person's "psychological" ticks that help me respond accordingly in a social climate. This helps forge relationships that are necessary for my profession.

Words come easy, almost naturally to me. I've rarely ever found a need to stumble over myself, I've built confidence in my public speaking skills by pure spite and became a confident orator. I am never at a loss for words. With this person, however, I simply could not pin them down. I was literally duty-bound to get to know everything about them, but it was like there was a frosted window distorting everything. With him, words got stuck in my throat and I had to choke something out, and rarely was it what I wanted to say. I left every conversation kicking myself and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.

However, there was one thing I did know about him, and it was that he was kind. He put on a brazen act, both to me and his roommates, but I could see his passion. His desire to do right by others. It's what I admired most about him, that he could give to easily with absolutely no expectation of reward. It was my duty to bear the shield for him, but I knew if the time came I would choose to fall on the sword for him.

It wasn't until we were no longer duty-bound to each other that I began to realize the frosted window was actually a foggy mirror. Distorted not by our differences, but my own inability to see myself for who I truly was. I saw myself in him. It terrified me. It terrified me because everything he did finally made sense. His desperate plea for help when he was given a bad report under the veil of nonchalance, his constant need to help others with no reward, his severe independence. All of it was because he never felt like he was enough, so he gives everything he can because he doesn't know any other way. I know, because I never felt like I was enough.

It was this fact that changed my proximity to him from a duty to a choice. I no longer had a duty to care for him, I chose to. I spoke to my counselor about this, he helped me identify it as love. Agape to be more precise, or selfless and unconditional love. Now, I know the words that he needs to hear, I understand what he's so desperately seeking. I tried giving it to him once, but I stumbled and I feel I ended up hurting him more than helping him. As I said, I have to choke words out when it comes to him.

Still, ever since that day four months ago, I have been confronted with the fact that I have to tell him. Tell him the same words I desperately wish I could hear myself. I just...can't. I don't have the strength to do it, the emotional and mental fortitude. I fear that he doesn't think I actually care for him, that perhaps he thinks I only see him as a legacy. So I know I have to tell him that he is enough, that he doesn't have to shatter himself for others.

But he's also 4 years older than me, he has his own life, and his own friends. I just don't know what to do. I care for him too much for my own good, but I feel I've only been hurting him. I want to make it right, but I don't know-how. Does he even want to hear it? From me? If not me then who? Am I right? Am I wrong? I know these are all questions only I can answer, but I don't know where to even begin.


Never Honorable, sometimes Right
Geez, even writing this was difficult. This dude really just makes everything complicated.


I'm bloo
Deputy Minister
You write so eloquently, and with real purpose. I could "feel" what you were writing from your words .... if that makes any sense?

I don't know what you should do. I don't know him, I don't know much about you, I don't know the situation, I don't know your relationship and nor do I know anything really about this. However, from reading this, he sounds like a really nice amazing guy. And if you are like him, as you say you are, then you're a really nice amazing guy too! I'm sure things will work out for you and will eventually make sense.

I know that's cringy af, and part of me is going :bleh: writing it. But I mean it, and I think it's true. So yeah :)


Former Mayor of the City Council (in 2010)
This is so well-written it is almost intimidating.

I have no idea what you're going through and I do not feel the slightest bit qualified to tell you what to do. Nevertheless, I would like to highlight one sentence:

"His desire to do right by others."

That is one of the two most powerful siren songs in the world (the other being how someone can make you feel like you're the only other person in the room with them). Whatever your feelings for the person in question, it's absolutely normal to feel swept off your feet by someone's drive, especially when it mirrors your values.

Just remember that no one is perfect... idealising someone leads to liking/loving the image you have of them, rather than themselves.

Good luck, Jay.


Never Honorable, sometimes Right
idealising someone leads to liking/loving the image you have of them, rather than themselves.
I think there was a time when I did this without realizing it. However, I was eventually able to grow out of it to realize it was genuine.

It’s weird because I think this is the first time I’ve felt a love for someone outside my family, but I’m not attracted to him. I don’t desire anything from him romantically, I just know that he deserves more.

Ive always been told that it’s funny how love works. Never thought I’d experience it with such profound truth.


Tik tok on the clock or whatever
I have read this thread at least ten times over the past couple days. Each time, I come back, thinking of some advice I could or should offer, but nothing comes to mind. What I can say, without a doubt, is that you are brave for baring your soul like this, and I thank you for it. I genuinely have no idea how to respond to something like this, other than by saying that I absolutely empathize and sympathize with this situation! It sounds like an incredibly tough position to be in, and that it is weighing on your mind a little bit. I hope it felt good to let it out in the open here, rather than just talking to a counsellor, but I also hope that talking with a counsellor has done some good. I certainly would not be able to, or allow myself, to post something this personal, but, like I said, I am so glad you did. The way you've written this just makes me think of things that I probably haven't before, and maybe that's part of the reason that I am so unable to come up with good advice. Maybe I'm blocking these kinds of things out of my mind so hard that I am just unable to think like that anymore.
In short, I am so sorry that I don't have any advice to give other than to continue talking it out with other people if you don't feel comfortable talking about it with them. I never expect to see things this personal being posted but it is always a welcome surprise and I cannot thank you enough.


Nissan: electric cars for electric drivers
Forum Administrator
Supreme Chancellor
Honoured Citizen
So we're agreed that none of us have advice to provide? I'm going to read this again later with a clearer mind and circle back. I daresay we all may be over-complicating things a bit.


Discord Moderator
oh I have felt such love before - though things like these usually turned into a crush, at some point there have been non-romantic feelings like yours as well. Honestly, this sounds like my romantic and platonic feelings for different people combined, and it must be... a lot to take in.

Am I in a place to give you advice? Well, I wouldn't rely on me to tell you the exact right answer, I can only give another non-expert opinion.

I don't think you have to tell him everything you feel, let alone all at the same time. You could say one nice thing, then another, and eventually it wouldn't be too much to take in for him, but the same message would be conveyed. Also I think it wouldn't be sustainable if it really is one-sided. There has to be something between the two of you, and based on what you wrote, there is. I think you should seek more contact with him - not to protect him from things or anything like that, but to just talk - I think it would be easier to formulate your thoughts after a while, and then you could tell him all of the things he needs to hear, one by one. But there has to be a connection, something mutual for it to work first

Don't worry that he has other friends or that he's older - it doesn't matter in this case. It's about you and him, not some third party and not the society as a whole etc.

And thank you for sharing this, I do agree with the others that it is very well-written!


Never Honorable, sometimes Right
Yea this was basically the result I was expecting :p

I was actually going to delete this after 24 hours but I guess we could all use a little love in our lives so maybe my ramblings will help you guys out. It helps me at least ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


Never Honorable, sometimes Right
So we're agreed that none of us have advice to provide? I'm going to read this again later with a clearer mind and circle back. I daresay we all may be over-complicating things a bit.
Hello Lethen, I’m JayDee. Have we met? I tend to over complicate...everything.