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HEM
E-Mensa
Managing Editor
Outgoing First Minister Pichtonia was caught by Europeian Capitol Police trying to escape 12 Pope Lexus Lane around 3:30AM last night. Wearing hole-ridden sweatpants and an old Coldplay T-Shirt, police found him mid-leap out of the Common-Sense Politics Oval Office window.
"Get me the f**** out of here," The First Minister cried with liquor on his breath. "They told me it would be over. They told me it was almost over. Get me the hell out of here. "
Pichtonia has been serving as First Minister for nearly nine-hundred days after the conclusion of his term. After a close election led to a run-off in November 2019, a tied runoff was met with Senate who sees no need to rush the issue.
"I'm still thinking of questions," Senator JayDee told ENN's satire arm, the E-Mensa. "This is a very serious decision, and to be honest, I haven't read the platforms yet but I plan to this weekend. Unless I forget."
"Yeahhhhhhhh," Senator Darcness told E-Mensa. "Welp. It's been a tough few years at work. I don't sleep at night, I barely breathe. My life is just one giant nightmare code that keeps repeating over and over again. Like this election"
Senator Malashaan declined to comment for this article, but asked if we would distill down the Interior sections of each platform for him. He would have a chance to read it before Christmas, when his office would resume deliberation on the issue.
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