Written by Sloosh
They say the midlife crisis is inescapable, and no matter how much we like to deny it, this proves true time and time again. No matter how respectable you are, sometime during your forties you're gonna buy a corvette, pick up some Viagra, and try to convince yourself that you're still appealing to twentysomething coeds.
Well, Europeia's foremost political party has done just that.
It started out innocently enough. They decided they wanted to rebrand - for the sake of the analogy, this is the corvette. Not because they weren't appealing to newcomers (conventionally attractive coeds, for the sake of our example); absolutely not! It was just, uh, because they didn't want to be confused with the External Affairs Advisory Committee anymore. That's it. Mhmm.
"I... entirely disagree with... keeping the current name," the party's self-appointed Charlie Crist Impersonator and resident Florida Man said in a post in the ACE Headquarters. The above quote has obviously been abridged for clarity, but the point here is clear: the old fart in question doesn't think the party has kept up with the times.
Tragically, it only went downhill from there. "I think the party needs to have a serious existential discussion about the type of group it wants to be," a many-limbed stalwart said. "But, why do we need to be meaningful as a party? That's the existential question," he continued, waving his tentacles around nervously. "If we're doing this just to be a party, that's a lame reason to do it."
Alright, well, that makes sense. For the sake of our analogy, this is the point where you look back and realize that the button-pushing office job you've spent the past twenty years in is painfully dull and hasn't given any meaning to your tiny, pitiful life.
"We're doing it to advance certain ideals," another member said vaguely, in an attempt to be comforting.
This is where you start booking trips to China and buy tickets to go hang-gliding in Montana in a desperate attempt to feel like you're doing something with your life before you wither away and die tucked away in some nursing home, lonely and unloved.
"What ideals?" a party member asked quizzically, pausing for a moment to swallow a mouthful of baked potato before continuing. "What ideals do we have that the region doesn't have?" The hysteria mounted as more citizens chimed in.
"But ... what ideals?"
"I've yet to really hear any ideals..."
"We definitely decided to be more than a social club."
"Yes, but how?"
"Integration of newcomers!"
"Mentoring of younger players?"
"Assimilate [the] newcomers."
Here is where, in our analogy, you head to a college bar and start hitting on women half your age in an attempt to prove that you're just as attractive and virile as ever which, let's face it: you aren't. Even after buying drinks for a couple cute coeds and getting nothing but disgusted and creeped-out looks in return, you still aren't deterred! You just need to remake your image.
Get that new hairstyle that's only seen on eighteen-year-olds working in Hot Topic.
"Discreetly" purchase some Viagra.
Start trying to use modern slang.
Get up-to-date on those "memes" - pronounced "maymays", of course.
Maybe even think up some ridiculously complicated endorsement selection system to make newcomers more comfortable!
I know - how about you PM the chairperson with your opinion and a secret code! Then, they'll post your idea with this super-secret sequence of numbers (something innocent, like 666-69-666) so you know it's yours!
Now, I know what you're saying: "That's a brilliant idea, Sloosh! You're so smart and attractive. Personally PMing the head of the party with your possibly unpopular opinion is gonna make new people way more comfortable than a blind and completely anonymous poll. Just like college women are obviously way more likely to be interested that weird old guy trying to pull off skinny jeans and Vans than one who takes his maturity in stride and isn't really, really obviously trying too hard."
I know, I know. I'm glad you can see just how amazing my plan is. Props for fitting it in with my analogy, too!
This reporter promises to keep you up-to-date on this new phase of the Loaded Baked Potato Party's life. Until this blows over, I'd recommend staying out of all the Aeropostale, Hot Topic, and Abercrombie & Fitch stores in the Republic Square. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to run into an existentially-challenged political party in the changing room.
Author's note: this article contains a number of quotes from protected areas managed by The Action Coalition of Europeia. Following is proof of Chairman Aexnidaral Seymour Somerset's authorization of the declassification of these documents:
