- Pronouns
- He/Him
ISSUE 2
The Spamming Stoicism of HEM
by Sincluda
On Sunday, at 18:35 Universal Time, HEM posted a new thread in the Republic Square. It contained a crazy commitment - that HEM would overtake Lethen in most post counts - a difference that was over 22,000 at the time - in a matter of four days. Announced by the “Ministry of Uncultured,” there was to be a festival during this period. One could only assume this to be a far-fetched shitpost, lacking any possibility of becoming reality. Yet, one could only wonder… what if? This is a timeline revolving around HEM’s quest to become the top poster in Europeia.
Two days earlier, HEM posted in a thread titled “*bangs gavel*,” which had not been posted in for around 18 months. To say he merely “posted” would be an understatement. For 10 straight minutes, HEM posted “*bangs gavel*,” and managed to tack on an additional 5 pages to the thread in that timespan. Almost exactly 24 hours later, he began posting again, and squeezed 15 posts into one minute before the thread was locked by Sopo. The poor sloth’s attempts to stop the madman failed, and with a simple rattling of his cage, HEM was free and wielding his gavel once more. The next day, beginning only a few minutes before the Ministry of Uncultured’s announcement (and lasting a few minutes after), HEM banged his gavel 27 more times. With the gavel fiasco, the 22,000 post goal gained some credibility - only a little, though.
On Wednesday, the day before the festival, HEM started a new Republic Square thread inquiring “my time to shine?” At this point, most people had likely discarded HEM’s preposterous and lofty goal posted only a few days prior. They had no reason to keep such a simple shitpost in their minds, and they also had Monkey to pay attention to, smearing the Republic Square with his own threads. As such, a slim majority (11 to 10, as it stands now) thought that it was not HEM’s time to shine. They didn’t even know what he was about to do.
Not all people forgot about HEM’s aspirations. But even those who remembered didn’t take them seriously. Sopo posted his own thread at 10:43 UT about attempting to pass HEM’s post count, making a mockery of a superhero. But Sopo lacked some key things that HEM had - determination, seriousness, and a festival. Yet, the event still appeared extravagantly silly. Some even treated it as a crazed illness that needed prevention. It was anything but. Even if HEM wan’t to come out successful, he had a drive to win.
Finally, the day of the festival arrived. A bar was set up, as was a stage for speeches. A general chat thread was also created. Spectators could watch with awe and envy as HEM grappled with the bull that was the “Count to 50,000” thread and dash through various older spam threads, among other posting challenges. The average person could support, or even participate alongside the ambitious founder, who announced at the beginning, “it’s my time to shine,” absolutely stunning the 11 people who thought that it wasn’t.
As I’m writing this article, the event has only just begun. The big question lurks in every number counted up to 50,000, every speech given, every drink ordered, and every post posted: Will HEM succeed? I asked the madman founder himself if he was confident he would surpass Lethen by the end of the festival, as promised. “not very” was the response I got. I decided to ask another question, pertaining to the festival itself. I extracted some information on what other happenings may be… happening. Apparently, there will be “a contest to honor the person who helps [HEM] the most,” and that HEM will “invite [his] mortal enemies to attend… and post their replies for public consumption.”
What will happen at this potentially historic event? Will we see hard work and determination cause the most immaculate spamming of our generation? Or will our hearts mourn at an unkept promise? This is so big, I may go as far as to say it’s a bigger deal than shahara449. I feel that boldly about it.
Live updates to maybe come.
P.S. Yeah I wrote in past-tense for most of that before switching to present-tense.
P.P.S. This is somewhat satirical.
