FAUX NEWS SPECIAL REPORT 12/4/15
Newb Hospitalized After Hosting First Game of Correlations; Vice President Promises to Spend Remainder of Term Naked; and more in this special report
In breaking news, popular newcomer Sloosh Kittens was hospitalized this evening after hosting his first game of Correlations on EBC Radio. Directly following infamous competitor Writinglegend's third answer, the newb began shuddering violently and bleeding from all visible orifices, witnesses told Faux News. "I warned him," said Vice Chancellor Mousebumbles, who hosted the show that Kittens had appeared on directly prior to the incident. "I tried to tell him what he was putting on the line, but he just wouldn't listen." As of 12:24 AM this morning, Kittens is in critical condition at an undisclosed hospital. His family could not be reached for comment.
An anonymous source contacted the Faux News offices only minutes ago with a recording of incumbent Vice President Calvin "Panda" Coolidge stating that he is going to spend the rest of his term "completely naked." The Goldenblock has not returned any calls for comment.
A group of Europeian citizens have amassed outside the Palace of the People. Field reporters have deemed the mass of frothing-at-the-mouth Citizen's Assembly members too dangerous to approach, but have reported guttural chants and strange lights emanating from deep within the writhing crowd. "We're really not sure what to make of this," a sociologist from the University of Europiea commented. She requested to remain anonymous, lest the group outside the Palace use her name to brutally murder her with an ancient blood ritual. "These practices aren't consistent with those of The Church of Nethel," she continued, glancing around nervously, "which everyone knows is the ONLY FAITH THAT EXISTS HAS EXISTED OR EVER WILL EXIST!" She proceeded to shove the reporter aside in a mad dash for her office door, hysterically screaming that she "[is] faithful" and "will never blaspheme again."
This has been a FAUX NEWS special report. Live updates to these stories can be found on the FAUX NEWS neural cointegration network, which FAUX NEWS would like to remind you was proven last week to not be a front for a government mind-control conspiracy.
