After several months of undercover work that may or may not have been under some covers in various beds throughout the Goldenblock, my apologies to Mousebumples and her various Vice-Presidents, this reporter found numerous secrets just screaming to be released, much like numerous Vice-Presidents from last term. For your reading pleasure, the most controversial secrets focus squarely on our Pervert-in-Chief, President Sopo, who has been discovered to have a secret love affair with Supreme Chancellor Lethen.
While digging around the Wellbeing Hub, outside the Nethelian Temple, I tracked down World Assembly Delegate Mousebumples, who had this to say, “I’d always show up for the weekly Nethel meetings, on-time, ready to discuss the wise words of our Holy One, but recently whenever I’d show up, Sopo would tell me to wait outside the door. Soon after, I would usually hear hushed giggles, and some heavy thumping. The last time this happened, Lethen walked out with a slight limp, wiping his mouth. At that point, I converted to Swiftism and never looked back.”
Sensing that this problem went all the way to the top, this reporter went to the Goldenblock to speak to any member of the Executive that was willing. I met with Culture Minister Ninja Kittens who said, “Sopo’s been acting really weird lately, actually. I’ve been trying to set up this book club, so we can discuss high quality literature around here for once, but every time I go to Sopo for suggestions, he always tells me that the suggestion box wants “Clifford the Big Red Dong”. I mean, technically there’s no way I can prove him wrong, since nobody else can see the box, but that sounds a little suspicious. Not that anybody else wants to check the box for submissions. Especially when you consider all the times I’ve walked in on him with the box in his lap, his pants down, and something shoved into the insert slot. He always gets so flustered and sweaty, it just creeps me out.”
Lastly, we here at Faux News have uncovered Cabinet Chat leaked logs from an anonymous Minister that paints a picture of the President he might not want getting out. After digging through numerous logs of Foreign Affairs Minister Calvin Coolidge awkwardly making passes at former East Pacific Delegate Xoriet, we found numerous penis-related phrases attributed to the President. It would seem he frequently conducts Cabinet meetings in the nude, and asks that all conversation be directed at his genitals, which he has named “Nethel”. There’s a particularly awkward section where he makes all Cabinet members swear allegiance to Nethel, but unfortunately PhDre has cracked down on us for leaking classified information, so that will be the end of this report. In conclusion, Europeia, you have elected a pervert, and I hope you’re happy with yourselves.
While digging around the Wellbeing Hub, outside the Nethelian Temple, I tracked down World Assembly Delegate Mousebumples, who had this to say, “I’d always show up for the weekly Nethel meetings, on-time, ready to discuss the wise words of our Holy One, but recently whenever I’d show up, Sopo would tell me to wait outside the door. Soon after, I would usually hear hushed giggles, and some heavy thumping. The last time this happened, Lethen walked out with a slight limp, wiping his mouth. At that point, I converted to Swiftism and never looked back.”
Sensing that this problem went all the way to the top, this reporter went to the Goldenblock to speak to any member of the Executive that was willing. I met with Culture Minister Ninja Kittens who said, “Sopo’s been acting really weird lately, actually. I’ve been trying to set up this book club, so we can discuss high quality literature around here for once, but every time I go to Sopo for suggestions, he always tells me that the suggestion box wants “Clifford the Big Red Dong”. I mean, technically there’s no way I can prove him wrong, since nobody else can see the box, but that sounds a little suspicious. Not that anybody else wants to check the box for submissions. Especially when you consider all the times I’ve walked in on him with the box in his lap, his pants down, and something shoved into the insert slot. He always gets so flustered and sweaty, it just creeps me out.”
Lastly, we here at Faux News have uncovered Cabinet Chat leaked logs from an anonymous Minister that paints a picture of the President he might not want getting out. After digging through numerous logs of Foreign Affairs Minister Calvin Coolidge awkwardly making passes at former East Pacific Delegate Xoriet, we found numerous penis-related phrases attributed to the President. It would seem he frequently conducts Cabinet meetings in the nude, and asks that all conversation be directed at his genitals, which he has named “Nethel”. There’s a particularly awkward section where he makes all Cabinet members swear allegiance to Nethel, but unfortunately PhDre has cracked down on us for leaking classified information, so that will be the end of this report. In conclusion, Europeia, you have elected a pervert, and I hope you’re happy with yourselves.
