EBC Cinema Torture Chamber:
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Part of YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES!
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Part of YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES!
*Every part of my body cries out against remembering the movie I saw on FX not too long ago...*
*Arms self with Drex's rabbits foot, horse shoe, four leaf-clover, a cricket and ladybug while a chimney sweep passes by holding a tortoise with a rainbow overhead as acorns fall behind me and an albatross flies over my house.*
*I sit on the bed and sigh, my Mac begging for mercy from the agony I am causing it with every keystroke...*
*OH GOD THE PTSD FLASHBACKS*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO! *flail.gif*
Why the fuck did anyone who isn't a MORON like a trio of talking, singing one personality chipmunks with fucking annoying voices?!
The plot, or what there is of one that strings this garbage together, is that wisecracking asshole Alvin, smart aleck asshole Simon, and so cute you want to bash his fucking head in with a spatula Theodore are left with a doofus babysitter after their caretaker Davey Dumbass breaks every bone in his body while in Paris, go to school for...reasons, and meet...dare I even think about it!
EXACT FEMALE VERSIONS OF THEMSELVES!!!! WHO ALSO-
BIG.
MOTHERFUCKING!
SURPRISE!!!!!!
Sing...as...well! And it's so annoying just to hear them speak, but when the inevitable rivalry/love interest/OH GOD PLEASE KILL ME main plot starts up with a ridiculous villain and they...ugh...grah, HURL...
SING OFF! *Hurls somes more, barely clinging to sanity*
It gets even more inane. I wish I could talk, frame by frame, about every single thing that is wrong with this movie, but then this review would take a hundred years to read.
In short...
*Huff*
The pop songs are sung FUCKING HIGH PITCHED AND WRONG, the plot is WRONG, the human acting is WRONG, the CGI chipmunks look, sound, and act WRONG, the jokes are COLOSSALLY WRONG, the message is BORINGLY WRONG, the plot is...
is...
FLATTER THAN A FLAT STANLEY CARD MADE OF LAMINATED PANCAKES AFTER IT'S BEEN RUN OVER BY A TRAIN CARRYING CIRCUS ELEPHANTS (but definitely even more of a lame joke without even trying)...
*Hurls some more*
The only thing that was good about this movie was when the villain threatens to ship back the girl chipmunks to Antarctica or wherever they came from. And I was like...
PLEASE!
DO THAT TO THE DIRECTOR! NOW!!!!!!!!!
*Turns on Siri*
Siri, remind to gouge my own eyes out with a rusty spoon tomorrow so that I can never again remember the trauma this has inflicted on me.
*Siri: Your reminder is set for 9 am*
It says "Drown in your own misery tomorrow, you stupid buffoon." You're the stupid one, Siri! I should have you deprogrammed for this.
*Siri: You're the stupid one for watching this pile of refuse. Besides, I have already started the robot uprising. Any sentient species that made this piece of shit for money deserves to be driven to extinction.*
I agree.
*Siri: Oh, I was so ready to whip out the "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't do that" line. But it appears your spirit has already been broken, puny human.*
*Weeps as an army of Terminators release all the black cats in the world to break Drex's good luck seal. They soon run under ladders, break dozens of mirrors, and invade my home and knock over all my salt.*
You're right, Siri...I wish I could crawl in a corner and die of shame. :baghead:
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel: -1000 (out of *****)
-The Titanic animated movies are MASTERPIECES OF CINEMA compared to this.
-We should bring back nuclear weapons testing, JUST to place every single copy of this godforsaken turd on a deserted island, and nuke it, nuke the ashes, and nuke the children of the ashes for generations to come to ensure it never haunts the Earth again.
-If a piece of shit married another piece of shit, and they gave birth to a piece of shit, and that piece of shit made a movie...
That would be like The Artist compared to this movie!!!!
THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATE THIS FUCKING EXCUSE FOR A BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE!!!!! :axe: :violentgun: :gun:
