- Pronouns
- He/Him
Where It All Began
About a year ago I was getting ready to move to University. It would be the first time i had been away without any parental supervision, and I suppose that frightened me. I was effectively on my own, and even though my parents were not too far away, it oftentimes felt like they were on the other side of the world. Whilst I am introverted, I do enjoy some company, and the idea of leaving all of my family and friends behind became a challenge. In September last year I was very underweight, I wasn't in great shape and my mental health had been taking a toll on itself for some time. Now, a year later I'm making the same journey again, but with a totally different mindset.
Setting The Scene
Firstly, let's begin with where things were at this time last year. I remember arriving at university and excitedly unpacking all of my belongings. I was excited for a new chapter or studying, friendship and independence. I had always said that I wanted to move away from home at the earliest convenience and live my life the way I wanted to. Despite this excitement, I recall bursting into tears mere moments after my parents had left, becoming overwhelmed by new responsibilities. Having to cook, go shopping, properly manage my money amongst many other things. Or course, to most people these are simple tasks that most people can do without much stress. Yet, for me, it was not like that.
Studying or Not
Whilst at Uni, I woke up at varied times during the day, occasionally missing lectures because I had been drinking the night before despite it being a weekday. I missed several lectures and seminars last year and did not even attend a single class for one of my modules. I am unsure why. I enjoyed the subject and was fascinated by the opinions on it. My mind told me otherwise. It told me that I should have chosen a different degree, that this class is boring and therefore I should not pay attention. Of course, I listened to those negative thoughts and I paid the price for it in my assignments. Thank God first year doesn't count right? I still passed all of my modules, although by a grade much lower than my own standards. Sometimes I thought I had done well on an essay and still I would receive low marks. Perhaps my decision to watch Netflix instead of working through the lecture content meant that my knowledge base was substantially lower than the average POLSIS student.
Falling In Love With The Drink
Outside of timetable hours, I spent most nights going to the pub, or various bars with my friends and drinking. I enjoyed it. It provided a sense of escapism from my own brain telling me that I wasn't good enough for my course. Indeed that escapism became dangerous. I began drinking at my flat, alone in my room. Five, six, seven bottles in one sitting. Some days I woke up at two in the afternoon because I had been up till six am drinking. I wasn't proud of it then, and I'm not now, looking back on it. I shopped once every two weeks and spent about £25-30 each time. How can one spend so little and feed themselves for a fortnight? Answer: they cannot. My meals were small and not very nutritious. I ate the same things week in, week out. By the time I came home for Christmas, I was thinner than when I had left, and I wasn't big to begin with.
Anxiety
These things were a direct correlation to my anxiety which had spiked since arriving at uni. I went shopping at the earliest possible time in the morning to avoid people. I walked with my head down because I didn't want to look at people. When people began to ask me about my future career plans I simply answered with a small laugh followed by "I don't know." At some stages I thought that I might never have a job, and that I'd be homeless. Though that would be my fault for not working hard enough when I had the chance.
Ending The Year
By the end of the second semester, I was mentally and physically drained. I woke up exhausted everyday. I was extremely dissatisfied with the way I looked. I was unclean and unkempt. A year on from my story of degradation, I'm ready to tell the story of my redemption.
A New Beginning
I move back to University on Sunday, and whilst I am still nervous for what the academic year may yield, I aim to go with a different mindset. I am comfortable in the knowledge that I have friends at Uni who will do their best to support me, and look out for me. I am not worried about cooking, because I know how and I have a plan for what food I'm going to eat. I'm not worried about money, because I have a budgeting plan, and know how much money I will have extra to spend on leisure. I am heading with a mindset to eat healthy, to manage my money well, and to spend meaningful time with my friends.
Changing Lifestyles
I feel like I'm rambling a little bit, so I'll try and make this section a little bit more concise. I have never been a huge fan of routine, partially because I have never tried it. I have always gone with the idea of "living in the moment." I think that that mentality is the culprit for my mistakes made last year. I have taken the bold decision to start a routine. I won't go into all the little details, because I'm sure you don't care about how I wash myself in the shower.
Morning Ritual
I want to start my mornings in the most effective way possible. Firstly by waking up early after a decent amount of sleep, and starting the day with a glass of water to re-energise me after a good night's rest. I'll aim to have a healthy and balanced breakfast, as I will with all of my meals. Ensuring that I eat my five a day, and enjoy a protein rich diet to reach my goal of making significant gains in the gym. I'll shower, frequently, and when necessary, and then clean my teeth, something which I am guilty of only doing at night. I want to start my day, calmly, not full of stress and so instead of checking social media and worrying about what other people do, I plan to take in the moment and relax. I'll do this via meditation, something which I have tried before for a short period of time, and something which has made me.feel.better in that space. Finally, I'll end of my morning routine with some free weight exercise before heading to the gym to make gains. I want to look better and feel better. I'm not doing this to impress anyone, I'm doing it to impress myself.
My Body Is A Temple
The human mind values reward, and should I stick to this ritual, my dopamine levels should rise, ensuring that I continue the routine to keep those hormones at top level.
Focus On The Task
I'm at university to learn, and while my I am proud of my decision to begin this daily routine of healthy eating, exercise, and meditation, I do recognise that progress needs to be made in my education. Simply put, I'm going to routine here, too. I'm going to timetable what research and independent studying I do, and shut off any outside distractions, including NationStates. There are programs that can do this for me, so that I won't be tempted. Of course, waking up early feeling energised is going to mean I also feel energised for my lectures that I swear to the highest being I will not miss.
New Foundations
In short, I aim to fully focus on my studies, blocking out any unwanted interruptions, and only accessing them once I have done what I needed to do. Something which I am also going to start doing is asking for help. I have always believed in my own self ability even if it hasn't been enough. Now, I feel as if I'm ready to ask for help. In my assignments, in my studies, and in my decisions for a future career. That particular path is not set yet, though it will be in time.
To Victory
I'll admit that I have felt a sense of pleasure in writing this, and in doing so, I may have stopped making sense along the way. Anyhow, I'm starting this academic year with a whole new mindset. A routine that will ensure I do well in my studies, do well in my mental health, and do well in my physical health. I have began to realise that life is short, much shorter than I once thought it was. It seems like yesterday that I was being put to sleep in my cot. I don't have time to waste by sitting around, drinking and constantly worrying about what other people think of me. I'm going to make a change, and the time to make that change is now.
