By the Fireside with First Minister Lloenflys - May 13, 2019





We Can Do Better
By the Fireside with First Minister Lloenflys - 5/13/19

Written by Lloenflys





An Opinion Article

(12 Pope Lexus Lane, Europeia - May 13, 2019) To the people of Europeia, I wish you greetings and felicitations on this lovely Monday evening. As I sit here tonight by the recently-installed fireplace in 12 Pope Lexus Lane (former First Minister Rand had a rubber ducky museum in this space, but I have more classical tastes), I find myself in a contemplative mood. Time in this office goes quickly, and my term is already well over 10% complete. When I first sat down several days ago to write this first of my weekly EBC addresses to the region I had intended to talk a bit about how the Ministers were settling in and expand on plans for the term. Instead, I found my mind wandering to a separate question - one which, honestly, I've been a bit hesitant to broach. Real life circumstances have conveniently kept me busy enough to justify holding off on publishing this column while I considered whether it was more appropriate to move forward with the safer, milder column or the one which could invite some criticism. I've decided for the later.

Let me start with several disclaimers. First, this is ultimately meant to be a positive piece coming from a positive place. I will not be "calling people out." I will not be quoting specific posts, or citing specific instances of behavior, or anything similar. Second, I am keenly aware that winning an election as first minister does not make me a moral authority of any kind. It does not give me the right or the responsibility to police the culture of the region. We, together, establish the culture that we want to operate in. Each individual determines the moral principles that they follow. I get it, and I respect that. Nonetheless, winning an election to a position of leadership in the region carries with it something of a "bully pulpit," and sometimes it is appropriate to use that pulpit to address uncomfortable truths. I'm taking the opportunity to do that know, fully aware that the "eyeroll to nod" quotient is going to be remarkably high with this post. Oh well, you all know I'm a little sanctimonious and full on corny, here's just more proof for you :)

And so, onto the main point of this article. You can't help but have noticed some rather tense moments in Europeia over the past couple of weeks. I'm not referring to basic political tensions or disagreements - this is a political region discussing political events. There darn well better be arguments, discussions, and maneuvering or its going to get boring awfully quickly. I'm referring to things that cut more personal. Arguments that are not centered on gameplay but on who people are, what they believe, how they act. While none of this stuff is "off limits," I know that I'm not the only one to have read a few threads over the last couple of weeks only to think "this isn't who we are, and it's not who we should be - we can do better."

Ultimately, that's all that I'm asking of us as a region. Let's do better with how we treat our fellow Citizens. I don't have a magical formula for what that means, but I do have a few suggestions that I think will usually apply, and that if followed will help us all enjoy our time here more. I leave these here as suggestions, hopeful that maybe something will resonate with someone and be of at least some use. And if not? Well, I took a shot at using my bully pulpit for a cause I think is worthwhile, and that seems worthwhile to me. Here's my list:

1) Avoid making assumptions about people's motivations. In my experience, such assumptions are usually wrong.

2) Avoid piling on. Sometimes, clear public opinion goes against a person - but there's a fine line between making it clear that there is widespread opposition, and just kicking someone when they're down. If you're going to contribute to a thread where something like this is happening, at least take a moment to consider if you're adding anything to what has already been said or if you're just piling on unnecessarily. Also ask yourself whether the "offense" is truly worth the public ridicule a person is facing in this situation. I'm not always saying it isn't - but there are definitely times when it is not.

3) Always recognize that people are complicated and have a lot of things going on that you can't see. The person you're about to escalate an argument with may have found out they're being laid off in 2 weeks, or that a family member is seriously ill. Maybe they're dealing with a mental health issue, or a financial problem, or are just having an all around bad day. Sometimes, just letting something sit is a better option than responding.

4) Before hitting "post," ask yourself if something you are about to say might be misinterpreted. You may have a perfectly valid point to make, but might be saying it in an especially direct way that is likely to be misinterpreted as criticism (making it more likely the point will be ignored while also making it more likely someone will take offense - a double whammy of unintended consequences). Speaking in bland, flowery language all the time isn't what I'm suggesting - just be aware of what you're saying and how you're saying it, and consider whether it might not better serve your purpose to take a different approach.

5) Walk away and think about it before you say anything in the heat of a moment. Oftentimes merely waiting for 5 minutes is enough. There's a reason things tend to rise to a flashpoint more quickly and more often in Discord than on the forum (although of course it happens here too!). Usually there is more of a chance to cool down in the forum that isn't there in Discord. Stepping away for a few minutes can be a hugely valuable tool to keep things in check.

I hope if you read this far that you take these thoughts to heart. Let's keep our arguments in the realm of politics, and strive to be a supportive, welcoming and friendly community outside of that battleground. Thank you for joining me this week.

First Minister Lloenflys

 
Well said. I think this is an important point to make at this juncture.
 
I've always thought we could be less mean. Sure, we shouldn't let people get away with stuff, bad stuff, but if someone is working towards what they believe is the betterment of our region, why be so caustic and sometimes downright rude?

Even I've been guilty of taking something too far. The key is remembering we're all people, though I've heard from some of the olds that things used to be so much worse. :p I honestly don't think that's the point though.
 
This is a great piece, Lloen. This is timely, too, with Mental Health Awareness Month.

I remember an interview from you a couple of months back in a Radio Broadcast. I think you were running for senator at the time and you were being interviewed, I can’t remember clearly. But I recall you mentioning that real life can be inane and repetitive, and Europeia became some sort of escape. I remember resonating with this line because I was dealing with tremendous stress at the time when I joined the region, and I thought I should try something new before I do something damagingly stupid to myself.

It took me a couple more weeks to settle in. Everyone seemed vitriolic and caustic all the time, on and off-site, RP and non-RP interactions. Especially in the helter-skelter mess that is #eurochat, unless new members were asking for advice on gameside NS or on forum citizenship instructions, it was really difficult to insert oneself into the conversations. Most of the established members mostly talk to one another.

There was an overwhelming feeling of a schism between the new members and the old crew. Even the interactions between the visibly active old members were constantly so fragile, as we’ve seen during the elections, and the negativity was palpable as I follow the threads of arguments that most of the time devolved into direct attacks to each other instead of the topic they were supposedly arguing about.

Overall, the whole off-site experience was very off-putting that I just thought of ghosting this account altogether, were it not for JayDee’s help at the time, asking me to give the region a chance and to try participating.

Like Lloen, Europeia was for me something to escape in. I never had any political aspirations; I came to join a community, which I’d like to think some of the new citizens came for as well. I love the region. I love the dedication and camaraderie that kept this alive for more than a decade. But recently, it has been emotionally exhausting and counterintuitive in being an outlet for escapism. It’s almost as if the forum is a private playpen for the old members. It’s almost as if I’m beginning to understand why Europeians would apply for citizenships but eventually drop their accounts and return to gameside NS.

Again, I’ve still got an eye out for what this region this region has to offer for the near future, but Lloen is right.

Let's do better with how we treat our fellow Citizens.
 
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To be honest, I'm not entirely sure I know what this address is speaking of. Maybe someone could ping me in private to honor Lleon's desire to not drag dirty laundry into the open.

I think this speech is good, and I don't disagree with anything that Lleon said. I think we all can be a little kinder. Whenever I assess my life for regrets, either IRL or even in this crazy game, I wish I had erred just a little more on being kind.

But, this is also a political simulation. There is going to be arguments — and heated ones. Taking arguments out of a political simulation is like taking money out of Monopoly, you're not left with a game at the end of it.

I think the introduction of instant chat in the form of Discord has made everything more personal. It's harder to distinguish an argument against a candidate for office from a personal attack on someone behind a computer screen. It's a tricky situation to navigate, but the only solution cannot be tempering our opinions to make people who prefer less conflict more comfortable. For me, it's an objective thing: is there something I see that I think needs accountability, yes or no. So yes, I think part of this is filling down the edge of the claws sometimes, but I also think that for people who want to play this game, it's also about taking a step back when you receive criticism, and trying to judge it on its merits too. I don't think people should be demonized for giving criticism, and sometimes—not always—things actually blow up because reasonable criticism is met with an unreasonable response.
 
I think the introduction of instant chat in the form of Discord has made everything more personal. It's harder to distinguish an argument against a candidate for office from a personal attack on someone behind a computer screen. It's a tricky situation to navigate, but the only solution cannot be tempering our opinions to make people who prefer less conflict more comfortable. For me, it's an objective thing: is there something I see that I think needs accountability, yes or no. So yes, I think part of this is filling down the edge of the claws sometimes, but I also think that for people who want to play this game, it's also about taking a step back when you receive criticism, and trying to judge it on its merits too. I don't think people should be demonized for giving criticism, and sometimes—not always—things actually blow up because reasonable criticism is met with an unreasonable response.

I don't disagree with any of this, and explicitly said so in the article. In fact, I stated (and firmly believe) that there better be argument in the region or we don't have a political region. Also, it is absolutely true that people need to recognize that being in a political role opens you up to criticism, and that public disagreement when someone acts in a way that the region will not approve of is going to be met with pretty fierce pushback. That's all not just to be expected, but explicitly necessary.

To me, there have been a lot of instances over the last month where things have gone further than needed. If you haven't felt that, well - good! Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, although I've spoken to a lot of people who have felt that way, enough that I decided to post a piece that just said, basically, think before you speak and consider whether your words have a purpose. All of the things you said in your response, are - to me - appropriate uses of language that might come across of confrontational. Not everyone tempers their use of such language with the same level of consideration, however. THAT is where I think we can do better.
 
Firstly, I agree with you on sanctioning criticism, HEM.

Case in point is Cassandra’s final post in this forum (the one with the gratuitous middle finger). Cassandra was downright being rude and increasingly agressive, and had to be reminded that the community had been there to support her on “coming out”. Her offhand comment about her work being good enough for EBC’s standards is also something to consider critiquing her for and is still open to debate.

You and DAX had handled the affair gracefully and tactfully.

However, on the same thread, people had resorted to comments that were borderline uncalled for. There is a fine line to offering a comment and throwing a personal hit. Yes, people can give their two cents and should not be “demonized”, but the other untoward comments that were tastelessly slapped on that thread were almost painful to read. Even Lethen had to shut the whole thing down.

The second thing I would like to address is the political roleplaying aspect of the forum. You were right, politics will most definitely involve dissents and disagreements. People who are looking forward to this kind of gameplay can learn a lot from a veteran community like Europeia.

However, not all political aspects of the site are catering to some of the members, myself included. Personally, I enjoyed the ERN. I also like my position in Foreign Affairs, which allows me to interact with different regions, restricted by Europeian law to not interfere with their politics.

On gameside NS, it was advertized on a dispatch how many ways how one can get involved in Europeia, and thankfully, not all of them are heavy on politics, because political gameplay is not for everyone. There are people who are looking for a laidback gameplay and environment that does not call for “very heated” debates. Hell, it even advertized spamming and games. Not everyone has the time to try for administrative positions and duties, but people would like to be part of the community.

tl;dr: There is nothing wrong with criticism as long as it does not overstep into damaging personal attacks. Especially in a political simulation like Europeia, arguments are expected, but not everyone wants to experience arguing and heated exvhanges all the time.
 
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It took me a couple more weeks to settle in. Everyone seemed vitriolic and caustic all the time, on and off-site, RP and non-RP interactions. Especially in the helter-skelter mess that is #eurochat, unless new members were asking for advice on gameside NS or on forum citizenship instructions, it was really difficult to insert oneself into the conversations. Most of the established members mostly talk to one another.

There was an overwhelming feeling of a schism between the new members and the old crew. Even the interactions between the visibly active old members were constantly so fragile, as we’ve seen during the elections, and the negativity was palpable as I follow the threads of arguments that most of the time devolved into direct attacks to each other instead of the topic they were supposedly arguing about.
On a side note, this matched my first experience 100%. It was incredibly hard to insert myself into conversations and I seriously would have given up if it wasn't for a few - and a bare few at that time, mind - people who gave me encouragement and the support I needed to lump myself into Europeia.
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But anyway, I agree with what Lloen said here, but also with what HEM said. From my perspective, some debates, threads or topics turn incredibly toxic when there are remarks that are easily mistaken for personal attacks (or even are blatant personal attacks). It is important for people to dull their fangs sometimes and be more cordial to each other.

However, I for one now that criticism can be hard to take. It can seem like a judgement of your character or a complete list of failings you are personally accountable for, which can easily cause anger or rashness. It is important to take a step back and really read the language. Their complaint may be perfectly valid and can be something you can work on yourself -- instead of just trolling or flaming.
 
I think the introduction of instant chat in the form of Discord has made everything more personal. It's harder to distinguish an argument against a candidate for office from a personal attack on someone behind a computer screen. It's a tricky situation to navigate, but the only solution cannot be tempering our opinions to make people who prefer less conflict more comfortable. For me, it's an objective thing: is there something I see that I think needs accountability, yes or no. So yes, I think part of this is filling down the edge of the claws sometimes, but I also think that for people who want to play this game, it's also about taking a step back when you receive criticism, and trying to judge it on its merits too. I don't think people should be demonized for giving criticism, and sometimes—not always—things actually blow up because reasonable criticism is met with an unreasonable response.

I don't disagree with any of this, and explicitly said so in the article. In fact, I stated (and firmly believe) that there better be argument in the region or we don't have a political region. Also, it is absolutely true that people need to recognize that being in a political role opens you up to criticism, and that public disagreement when someone acts in a way that the region will not approve of is going to be met with pretty fierce pushback. That's all not just to be expected, but explicitly necessary.

To me, there have been a lot of instances over the last month where things have gone further than needed. If you haven't felt that, well - good! Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, although I've spoken to a lot of people who have felt that way, enough that I decided to post a piece that just said, basically, think before you speak and consider whether your words have a purpose. All of the things you said in your response, are - to me - appropriate uses of language that might come across of confrontational. Not everyone tempers their use of such language with the same level of consideration, however. THAT is where I think we can do better.
I should've made more clear that my post wasn't intended to be a rebuttal of your post, I just wanted to underline a few points that I thought were important as we navigate this conversation. I agree that we are in a place where pulling folks back to a civil baseline is important, I guess I was trying to spark the offshoot conversation of where exactly the line should be and the tricky reality that we probably won't all agree about where it is.

I think the example that Dodger gives is a good one, and I agree that thread got excessively heated. In bringing up Discord, I also don't intend to suggest that "oh people are softer because of Discord!!!" I honestly believe that the instant chat environment makes it so much easier for things to get heated, and a non-threaded atmosphere means that things are often said without as much consideration as when someone makes a post (why I'll always prefer message boards, personally).

I also try to remind myself that I've been playing this game for a while, as have some other players. It's easy for me to brush things off and engage bluntly with opponents because I feel pretty confident in myself and have a lot of experience with fucking up and being called out. But I also need to remember shedding IRL tears in 2007 when I was lambasted over poor performance in a political role. So I try to balance that too. It's a lot to balance!!!
 
Captain Dodger makes a valid point about Cassandra's departure thread. I don't think that thread is emblematic of our community. That said, I don't regret my comment because I was upset and frankly still am. I don't enjoy being treated like dirt and then having the same person treat our entire community like dirt. Was it gratuitous and unnecessary? Yes. I don't plan to make a habit of it, and I do regret that I opened the door for others to pile on.

I'm glad that @Captain Dodger and @Astrellan had people to encourage them and welcome them. Sharing those experiences with the ministry of interior would probably help us make sure that other new citizens have a similar experience.

As an older citizen, I tend to remember what things were like 10 years ago when I joined and honestly have trouble relating to what it's like to be new now. Thoughtful reflection from our new members goes a long way in making sure that we remain a welcoming community without losing our edge.
 
So many thoughts have been said in this thread already that I agree with (with time and energy, I could write an article or three detailing my regretful vendetta with Rach but that's neither here nor there). I do think that the two largest things at play here are (1) older members - myself included - simply not understanding what its like to be new in the game; and (2) increasing levels of political strife caused by an increased presence of "social" players (thanks, Discord).

With (1), I oftentimes catch myself rolling my eyes or thinking "that can't be right" when newcomers post something about the difficulties of joining; how profoundly off-putting something like #eurochat can be; the perceived negativity; etc. But then I think back to as recently as late 2014 when I had been barely active for at least a year leading up (except to do admin work). Returning back to higher levels of activity around then, it was difficult to jump back into things with the Wild West that was Skype. Discord made it even more difficult. I've said it before though - it was so profoundly lonely. So many new faces, so few old faces...that frustration of trying to integrate while simultaneously feeling like my efforts are fruitless is the closest I'll come to understanding the newcomer experience in 2019 Europeia, at least on the social side.

With (2), I think its worth defining a "social" player in Europeia for those that are newer to the region. Essentially, this is a player who joins Europeia primarily for the activities and social aspects while letting politics take the back seat; this rise was definitely noticeable with rise in popularity of Discord. This has proven challenging when it comes to integration, and it was also a headache when it came to elections (increased turnout, especially with GOTV efforts, with decreased voter efficacy and less-informed players). HEM already mentioned the fast-paced and personal nature of Discord, but I think players that are more focused on the social aspects of Europeia are more inclined to take things personally and exacerbate perceived slights that would be seen as fair play to "political" players in Europeia.

I think there's also a smaller (3) involved. We have some players that, for better or worse, either deliberately or inadvertently blur IC and OOC lines. It makes it much more difficult for the community to naturally police behavior, and those lines being blurred never ends well.
 
#3 is kind of why I have a NS specific Discord ID that I can just step away from if I get too heated or need to take time off from the game.
Honestly I wish more players would do this
 
that frustration of trying to integrate while simultaneously feeling like my efforts are fruitless is the closest I'll come to understanding the newcomer experience in 2019 Europeia, at least on the social side.
As an older citizen, I tend to remember what things were like 10 years ago when I joined and honestly have trouble relating to what it's like to be new now.
But I also need to remember shedding IRL tears in 2007 when I was lambasted over poor performance in a political role.
These three things, in particular, strike a chord for me. I'm not an 'old' Europeian (my join date was in Oct 2016) by most standards. On the other hand, all 3 of my children are north of 20 years old. I'm an old player. I have to constantly remind myself that many of our active players, our rising stars, are also likely to be sorting through some of the most tumultuous years of their lives, and the old hands are just in a different stage of our lives. I have to temper 'I never would have done that, even as a newbie!' with 'yeah, you also started NS as fully-formed adult, imagine trying to do this shit at the age of 16.'
 
I did this shit at 16; it's really difficult sometimes to remember how upsetting things could be like HEM said
 
I've had panic attacks in the beginning, and those were what caused me to ultimately ghost from the region back in the day. My previous reactions though were all on me and having to deal with my shit. So I try to give people the advice of stepping back when needed, turning off discord and taking some time, and avoiding getting into it with people who obviously rub the wrong way (and that, funnily enough, tends to go both ways: someone rubs you the wrong way, you likely rub them the wrong way too).

There's a lot of introspection that should go into our interactions with people. A lot of this is a personal effort that must be made. Someone makes you angry? Why are you giving them the power to make you angry? Take it away from them and you have the power to do what needs done in this community, which is ultimately what we all want.
 
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