EBC RAIDED: JORTCOINS SEIZED, COLLAPSE IMMINENT
(Europeia) - In the first major action from the General Accounting Office after its creation earlier this week, GAO auditors disabled the Europeian Broadcast Corporation’s access to bank funds today. The GAO alleges over a decade of mismanagement and illicit pay schemes, and sources within the GAO suggest that fraudulent jortcoin trading from high ranking EBC officials are at the center of the ongoing investigation. When confronted, a staffer with the GAO ignored a reasonable request for comment, and continued packing up the EBC’s staff office supplies.
Minister of Communications PhDre was visibly distressed at a press conference only moments ago, repeatedly checking with his assistant while covering the microphone with an unsteady, sweaty hand. “The Ministry takes these allegations very seriously,” said PhDre. “The Europeian Broadcast Corporation has survived periods of inactivity, but we have never before faced such serious allegations. Over goddamn jortcoins, of all things.” Staffers at the EBC are furious, with one going so far as to accuse the Director of encouraging this crisis. “This is why I made that post in the Grand Hall! Dre wants to sell us off to Venture Capitalists, the jortcoins are just a cover up!!” After boxing briefly with the Organization of Independent media, being dressed down by staffers, and refusing to acknowledge allegations of a cover up, Minister PhDre cut his press conference short.
Experts of Europeia’s complex regional economy suggest that the EBC can fund itself for approximately 12 hours with their cash reserves on hand, but dramatic action must come soon. With the future of the EBC hanging in the balance, surely the Senate will expedient a series of funding bills to resolve this crisis. Regional sloth, and newly Commended Senate watchdog Sopo is less confident. “Gee, I dunno. I move faster than this Senate,” he said, three hours after I requested an urgent interview.
Most Europeians are unaware of how the EBC is funded - indeed, only Lethen is familiar with the underlying asset flow. "It's complex indeed. Europeian institutions like EuroUniversity and the EBC are funded mostly through donations, tuition, and the like. Oh goodness, the Executive barely pays them any mind in the term budget!" The collapse of the EuroUniveristy is a stark warning for the EBC, according to former Communications Minister Pichtonia. "Oh goodness yes, I would say staffers should look for new jobs immediately. I can't see the EBC surviving this one!"
Meanwhile, Europeian market analysts are lining up to purchase discounted EBC assets. “If the Senate is unwilling to bail out the EBC, I was here first,” shouted one, as he elbowed an excited Vice Chancellor out of the way. The stock of competing Media Outlets soared, with NSToday shooting up to 1 cent.
President CSP was unreachable, and his out of office voicemail mentioned he was “sailing to the North Pacific with a dope amount of cash. It’s turnt [right now].” Vice President Gleg was last spotted diligently organizing Media Week but ironically declined to comment during this latest EBC crisis.
Minutes before publication, Minster PhDre did get back to us with an urgent request for citizens to look for spare jortcoins in their jorts. "Where else could they be?!" he said, as the sound of many jorts being desperately searched echoed over the phone.
Stay tuned with the EBC throughout this crisis.
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