- Pronouns
- He/Him
Introduction
Confidence is something which I have struggled with all my life. Throughout it, I have attempted to utilise varying techniques to try and alleviate my fears of what other people thought of me, to boost my own confidence in time for adulthood where, it can be argued, confidence is a key attribute in making friends and acquaintances, and in employment, an adventure that I shall soon take. I understand that confidence for most people is lacking, despite how some people may act on the outside. There are of course people who can talk and hold conversations with others easily. There are those who can act the way they want to without being in constant fear that someone may laugh at them or think that they are odd. For most of us, we constrict ourselves to social norms. We all dress relatively similar, spend most of our time on social media, and are generally afraid of the consequences that may arise if we choose to act differently. At least this is how I perceive things, and so the first couple of points I wish to make are the following. Firstly, there is a large conformity to societal norms. Secondly, there is a general anxiety amongst those who conform to such norms about the consequences of not conforming to them. This is not going to be an in-depth analysis of confidence and its attribute although there are aspects of such which I shall discuss. Largely, this is a more personal article about my struggle with confidence, and how I attempted to overcome varying fears to become a more confident and well-rounded person.
What is Confidence?
Firstly, it is important to note that confidence does not equal cocky. People who are openly loud and boisterous because they think it projects confidence are, in most cases I have found, not confident. They project an outside persona to others, are loud, overtly funny to the point where it isn’t funny, and anti-social. There is a big difference between the attributes. Confidence is about being able to be who you are, without any anxieties over what others may think. Putting on a show, and changing who you are to receive the validity of others is not confidence. In most cases it is easy to tell when someone isn’t being themselves, and thus you can tell if a person is truly confident or not. I felt that this was an important distinction to make before delving into my own journey with confidence.
How I tried (and failed) to Increase my Confidence
Would I consider myself confident? Not really. I still het heart palpitations, and sweaty palms whenever I must do something new, or if I must speak in a seminar or lecture. These are, some may observe, symptoms of anxiety. Whilst I have had anxiety in the past, I have largely been able to eradicate it from my daily life. My anxieties from public speaking stem from my lack of confidence. Yet, this is off par with my endeavours of public speaking in the past. When I was 13, I took part in a program with secondary school whereby we were placed in teams and given five weeks to research a specific topic which we would then give a lecture on to a series of other schools. The topic which I and my team were assigned was “feral children.” A rather interesting topic which I think most people probably don’t have a vast interest in. Whilst my team did some work, I did a large amount of the research and a large amount of the talking when I was required to give the lecture at Lancaster University. Why then, was I able to speak about a topic which I had little to no interest in easily to a crowd of people and yet now I struggle to discuss topics which actually interest me with people who also share the same interests? Firstly, there is a change of circumstance. I have aged significantly since my talk on feral children, varying real-life events including bullying, the transfer from secondary school to college, and overall aging and gaining more experience played a significant role. Secondly, I did not perceive the consequences of my actions in the same way. As a thirteen-year-old my outlook on life and others was very naïve in comparison with what it is now as I near twenty-one. A thirteen-year-old is not expected to be overtly smart. In many cases, children that are smart are bullied especially in secondary school. I made it my own choice to be smart enough to pass my exams and get into college, but not so smart that others would label me a “nerd.”
Then, how have I attempted to overcome a lack of confidence. Firstly, it can be argued that confidence is a behavioural aspect and therefore it is passed down genetically. However, even if it is, it is not static. Confidence can fluctuate depending on your surroundings, and overall experience. Now, in primary school I was shy. I had a small group of friends, but I wasn’t popular. I kept my head down and did not engage with those I did not know. This was why others perceived me as weak, shy, and strange. Yet, whilst my confidence in the real world was sorely lacking, my confidence in the imaginary world soared. Here, I am talking about acting. As a child my dream was to become an actor. I took part in various plays and performances throughout my time at school. I was regarded as a good actor, someone that others could learn from. Being told this boosted my confidence. When we are met with a positive statement about us presented to us by someone else, we feel confident and proud of our actions. When I acted, I was able to take myself out of the real world and become confident. I was good at it, and others recognised that I was. This brings me on to my second point which is that we are confident when we know we are good at something. My hope that my confidence in acting would eventually tip over into confidence in the real-world. I had hoped that the skills I learnt by taking drama classes would allow me to talk to people, or do what I wanted without fear of the consequences. However, this never happened. Despite joining an acting academy in Salford, my confidence and even my ability to fake being confident were non-existent. I found it impossible to engage in the tasks and activities set for me without becoming overwhelmed by the presence of people who I did not know, and were quite clearly a lot confident than I, and so I left. By leaving the academy I also left behind my childhood dream of acting. I know that my younger self would be disappointed if he knew what was to come.
The second way in which I attempted to become more confident was a tactic that I feel many people have used before, “fake it till you make it.” The premise here is simple, I did what I wanted and pretended to be confident in the hopes that I would become naturally confident. Even though I was targeted and bullied on multiple occasions for this, I continuously tried to fake it. I wore clothes that I felt represented me: colourful, vibrant, and exciting. I spoke to others I did not know with a level of confidence, and pushed the thought that others might think I was odd to the back of my head. When I went to bed however, those thoughts that were at the back of my mind came to the front. I would constantly over think what people may have thought of me, or the implications of what I said at lunch time. I do not know how long I took this attitude for, but I do know that it did not stick. Being told to “shut up” meant that I no longer spoke in class unless I absolutely had to, and being told that I “dress like a child” made me swap out my old clothes for clothes that resembled someone who was dark, cold, and closed. I faked it, but I did not make it. I know several people who have taken this route. In most cases those who fake it very rarely make it. They are not confident but put on a fake persona to be perceived as confident by those they wish to impress or befriend. The attitude of faking it till you make it can also lead to a persona that is cocky, and aggressive. A persona which is viewed on by most as negative. In general, I would advise against taking such a route to build your confidence. There are better alternatives out there.
How I Have Become More Confident
Thirdly, and currently is gaining confidence by surrounding myself with confident people, by trying new things such as a new morning routine and becoming confident in the way I look and present myself. I am in my final year of university. This time next year I will hopefully have a full-time job and be on track to become somewhat successful in life. Getting to university for the first time in 2020 was a daunting experience. I did not know anyone, and for the first time I was alone. I no longer had that safe person sat downstairs I could talk to, and that terrified me at the time. Yet, I was expected to be confident, or at least look it on the outside. Yet, no matter how much I pumped myself up to go to a seminar and put myself out there, I could not muster the courage to do so. Due to this, I skipped most of my first-year classes and only barely passed. Sometimes I wonder if I passed because the lecturers felt sorry for me because they didn’t want me to have to drop out, something which I did think about. The contents of some of my essays were very questionable.
My housemates became my closest friends at university. I developed a rather large friendship circle due to mutual friendships, meeting new people, and the likes. It was through them, and the experiences they put me through that I have been able to become more confident. Going out clubbing, or heading to the pub to have a drink and a laugh is an experience that I did not feel like I could do a few years ago. I did not feel confident in my own self-ability to have fun. However, watching the actions of my friends, and people around me I have been able to take on some of their skills in being confident and gradually morphed them into my own. That is the first point, gaining confidence by watching those around me and realising that they are so much happier when they are confident in themselves. The second way in which I have improved my confidence, and perhaps this has helped the most, is by going to the gym. Exercising has become a form of escapism for me. I can forget about my worries for a couple of hours and focus on getting big and strong. My friends have noticed a change in the way I look, and receiving compliments from them (thanks, @Astrellan) has really helped boost my self-esteem. It is nice to be able to go outside and know that I look and smell good. It’s nice to be confident in my ability to do well in my modules and dissertation. I do think there is a long way to go though before I fully overcome any social anxiety. Social anxiety is always going to be there, but I can learn to handle it and control it. Finally, adopting and sticking to a morning routine has helped immensely in clearing out any negative thoughts, and preparing my mind for a day that I can tackle head on and not worry about what I look like, or what I’m doing. There are days where I don’t feel like doing anything, and that’s okay so long as you don’t let those days become a norm. We all need self-care now and again, but it’s important to focus on the goals ahead and the route you’re going to take to get there, and that’s what I’m doing.
Conclusion
Arguably, a lot of the topics of conversation in this article are discussive of social anxiety rather than confidence as a sole subject. Yet, I think the two go hand-in-hand. Now, that the discussion on my journey through confidence, how I tried to combat it but failed, and how I am currently working through a new system which has massively improved my confidence and mental health as a whole, I would like to end this like this. I have come to realise, in all my years of being paranoid about what other people think of me, whether they’re looking at me and judging me, severely limited my ability to be confident. I have also come to understand that people are far too caught up in their own little world, far too preoccupied with their own problems to worry about what you are doing with your life. Most people just want to be left alone. Sadly, there are people that will try and dissuade you from your goals and make you feel unimportant, but you cannot please everyone and that is okay. I come to the end of this article, which I hope you have enjoyed reading, with two words to end: be you.
There's quite a lot in here that I can strongly relate to (e.g. constantly analysing past conversations/worrying about others' perceptions) and also a lot that is extremely helpful to see written down explicitly in words - like this
