- Pronouns
- He/Him
Today we had a conversation about gender dynamics in elections and minority representation in the Senate on Discord. It was deeply problematic, in my opinion, and not just for the reason you think. But I want to speak on the reason you think because as a straight, cisgendered white man, it's not really my place to lead in exploring other related topics though I welcome the opportunity to participate in a broader discussion. Today I want to talk about how people like me approach discussions like this in the hope that it helps people like me engage in a more constructive way. That's it. I'm not going to try to "all sides" any issues. I'm not going to strive for balance. I'm just talking about this one thing, how we engage in discussions about diversity, bias, and oppression as bros and dudes. Here are a few things to consider the next time these things come up and you're feeling a certain kind of way:
Being an ally to members of historically marginalized communities is a series of sustained, deliberate actions rather than an acquired skill or accolade.
There's more than one reason "allyship" isn't a Boy Scouts badge. It's not a box we check or a quiz we pass. You don't get to just say, "I'm an ally" and then go back to not thinking about it. Those of us who have always been in the majority do not think about our own identity markers in the way members of marginalized groups do. We were, by and large, not brought up or educated in an environment that has encouraged us reflect on and discuss these issues either. Therefore, we come into these discussions with good intentions but also with implicit bias that we rarely fully understand (its nature or how it affects the people we're speaking to). What that means is that it takes us a long time to develop better insights. How long? It's a lifetime process. We will always be imperfect allies but the first step to maximizing our impact is to recognize that it is our responsibility to continue learning. Trust me, I started life as a young Republican (yes, I am asserting that Republicans as a group are bigoted) and while I'm proud of my personal growth, I know I still have a whole hell of a lot to learn and always will because of the way I was raised and educated as well as how I present in society. It's unavoidable no matter how ultra-woke I presume myself to be.
This is routinely going to be uncomfortable. Quit crying about it.
Harsh, I know, but this is one of the more important and difficult pieces to navigating these waters. When we are challenged in these settings, we have a tendency to feel attacked and either shut down or lash out. Think about how your uncle reacts to any mention of white male privilege and you get an idea of an extreme example of what I'm talking about here. Our fragility is real, it is to some degree universal, and it is our responsibility to rise above. We can't have these discussions without discussing privilege we enjoy or history we have deep connections to. Even when the conversation takes on an uncomfortable tone or becomes unfair to us as individuals, we must practice exercising the mindfulness that allows us to step outside of our personal feelings of fear or resentment in this moment (which our privilege allows us to do) and seek to understand what is being communicated to us so that we may consider and reflect, not rebut or justify. I've failed in this many times and I'm sure you have too. It's why many struggle to see any of us as allies and it's something we've got to get better at.
Will people use their status as members of marginalized communities to avoid accountability or otherwise for their personal gain? Yes. Does that matter in the context of this conversation? No.
Look, I get it. There are bad people out there and they're not all straight, cisgendered white men. I've been accused of misogyny when firing a woman employee for measurably poor performance. I have been called a racist by grifter campaign vendors as retribution for not procuring enough of their services. It is a deeply, horribly painful experience to be on the wrong end of one of those deals. Honestly, I think about these incidences very often and they are still a source of raw shame and anger years later. It would be easy for me to feel so resentful that I would use these rare occurrences, even inadvertently, to invalidate efforts to make any space more inclusive or to muddy the waters when considering the impact of a system or institution that contributes to oppression of any given group. But that would be objectively immoral so I make the deliberate decision to sideline my personal experience in favor of the more important goal of justice for all. It's not selfless, though it can be rather difficult. It's not complicated, though it can feel rather unfair to the individual. Too bad. Everyone's got their cross to bear in this fight and this is probably the easiest one to carry. Fittingly, it is ours.
I started with more thoughts here but I'm getting busy at work so we can talk more later. If you come away from this with one thought let it be that the reason I didn't like how some of us engaged in today's conversation wasn't because I think any of you are bad or ignorant men but rather I saw someone arguing in favor of a marginalized group and some of y'all's priority was not, at any point, to better understand that person and their concerns. We can and have done better than that here and I want to simply use this moment as a reminder that we not so long ago had a long conversation about the treatment of women here and were not sure how to define the problem or what do about it. I don't want Euro to become a Twitter-like universe where we try to out-woke each other for clout. I do want us, especially people like me, to feel safe having discussions about being better versions of ourselves, for all our benefit. So remember, bros, be kind, be mindful and go to therapy.
