In the wake of the Tiger Woods scandal a little over a year ago, Kansas City sportswriter Jason Whitlock did some excellent reporting on the VIP hostess scene. These “hostesses” get paid boatloads of money by extremely wealthy clients to find women that meet certain requirements and bring them wherever the client is—most often, Las Vegas. The women receive an all-expense paid trip to Vegas and access to all the VIP amenities; in exchange, there’s a tacit agreement the women will make themselves sexually available to the client. Starf—kers are a dime a dozen, so if you’re the hostess for a guy like Tiger Woods, your job is easy. As someone who thought one of the selling points for celebrity was how ridiculously easy it is to get laid, it blew my mind that Tiger actually paid tons of money to dispense with the miniscule effort it must take for him to get an attractive woman from the bar to his bedroom. I guess he wanted a transactional experience, and was willing to pay a lot of money to get it.
An astonishing percentage of men pay for sex at some point in their lives, so I’m aware a few readers have had their own low-rent version of the Tiger Woods Experience. For the rest of us, Valentine’s Day is the closest we’ll get to transactional sex. If you’re in a steady relationship and buy the customary flowers and chocolates, you’re practically guaranteed to get laid tonight, even if she might otherwise not be in the mood. If you buy her a nice piece of jewelry, or had the forethought to make reservations a month ago at her favorite restaurant, she might even do that super-hot, slightly nasty thing she knows you really like. And even if your relationship is in its death throes, your partner probably will grudgingly put out—but you’ll have to initiate it, and I personally wouldn’t blame you if you decided to save your sweat for your morning workout.
Whatever your situation, I hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day. If it’s a platonic holiday for you, enjoy it to the max—I had a blast helping my son make homemade Valentines for his classmates, so I definitely see the fun in that. If you’re in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, enjoy the magic tonight—and every night, because honeymoon phases don’t last long. And if you’re in a comfortable—or even tiresome—relationship, enjoy tonight for the opportunity it brings, and as you reap your transactional reward, feel free to utter the words from the Nike commercial: “I am Tiger Woods.”
Coda: There’s a fine line between writing unapologetically from a male perspective, and being a sexist pig. (The line is fine because we men are pigs.) I tried assiduously to stay on the proper side of that line, but if I offended you, please accept my apologies.
An astonishing percentage of men pay for sex at some point in their lives, so I’m aware a few readers have had their own low-rent version of the Tiger Woods Experience. For the rest of us, Valentine’s Day is the closest we’ll get to transactional sex. If you’re in a steady relationship and buy the customary flowers and chocolates, you’re practically guaranteed to get laid tonight, even if she might otherwise not be in the mood. If you buy her a nice piece of jewelry, or had the forethought to make reservations a month ago at her favorite restaurant, she might even do that super-hot, slightly nasty thing she knows you really like. And even if your relationship is in its death throes, your partner probably will grudgingly put out—but you’ll have to initiate it, and I personally wouldn’t blame you if you decided to save your sweat for your morning workout.
Whatever your situation, I hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day. If it’s a platonic holiday for you, enjoy it to the max—I had a blast helping my son make homemade Valentines for his classmates, so I definitely see the fun in that. If you’re in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, enjoy the magic tonight—and every night, because honeymoon phases don’t last long. And if you’re in a comfortable—or even tiresome—relationship, enjoy tonight for the opportunity it brings, and as you reap your transactional reward, feel free to utter the words from the Nike commercial: “I am Tiger Woods.”
Coda: There’s a fine line between writing unapologetically from a male perspective, and being a sexist pig. (The line is fine because we men are pigs.) I tried assiduously to stay on the proper side of that line, but if I offended you, please accept my apologies.
. Great piece as always.