One thing all writers are told is "write what you know." So, unsure of what to write about today, I thought I'd say a bit about being a dad.
So much of what's commonly said about parenthood is bulls--t. The biggest lie is that parenthood "changes your life." On one level, that's certainly true -- life can't be all about you anymore, and a lot of time you spent on activities of your choosing (including sleep) suddenly is spent in a manner dictated by someone else. On another level, however, people who talk about the life-changing character of parenthood imply that you are magically transformed by the arrival of your first child. That's simply not true. My daughter's birth didn't suddenly render me disinterested in drinking beer, smoking weed, watching the occasional porno, or hanging out with the same friends whose company I enjoyed when I had no responsibility to anyone but myself. I didn't suddenly want to move to the suburbs, join the country club, and vote Republican. Anyone who claims parenthood made them desire those things is lying; they always wanted those things and used their new responsibilities as an excuse to grow old prematurely.
It would be nice if being responsible for another human being magically rid you of your youthful narcissism, but sadly, we're surrounded by evidence that that's not true. Maybe it's different for a woman, who feels her child grow and move inside for months before meeting him/her face-to-face, but I doubt it -- outside the world of romance novels, fatherhood is the closest thing we have to love at first sight. Minutes after each of my children were born, I loved them no less than their mother, even though their existence was most theoretical to me prior to their birth. Like romantic love, however, parental love doesn't rid us of our selfish prerogatives. That takes work, and for most of us, it's a job that's never complete. I was 28 when my first child was born, so thankfully, some of that work was done before she arrived.
Being a parent has given me a longer and broader perspective. It creates connections with people I'd otherwise have no reason to know. It makes me care more deeply about the world -- a lot of the 3,000,000,000 people in the world who live on less than $2 a day are parents like me, and they have hopes and dreams for their children too. It also gives me a direct stake in the future of the world beyond my lifetime.
Of course, all this comes from my unique perspective -- if there's such a thing as a typical father of two, I'm not it. I was just reminded of this when my wife looked at the website for the "family karaoke" event we're attending this afternoon. My son (5) had his heart set on singing "I've Got the Feelin'" by James Brown, but the playlist seems dominated by kids' songs, plus crap from the likes of Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber. When my wife gently suggested that my son should have a second choice, he suggested "Gravedigger" by Dave Matthews Band. Oh well, I hope he still has a good time. I'm looking forward to the pizza, wings … and beer.
Perhaps this trivial example of my quixotic parenting style points to more profound differences between me and the norm. Maybe I'm all wet. Maybe the cliched, Hallmark-card version of parenthood is the typical one. But if you can't ever conceive of yourself fitting that mold, know there are other ways to be a parent. And while my life has its ups and downs, having my two kids is the best thing I've ever done, and spending time with them is the one thing in life that never fails to bring me joy.
So much of what's commonly said about parenthood is bulls--t. The biggest lie is that parenthood "changes your life." On one level, that's certainly true -- life can't be all about you anymore, and a lot of time you spent on activities of your choosing (including sleep) suddenly is spent in a manner dictated by someone else. On another level, however, people who talk about the life-changing character of parenthood imply that you are magically transformed by the arrival of your first child. That's simply not true. My daughter's birth didn't suddenly render me disinterested in drinking beer, smoking weed, watching the occasional porno, or hanging out with the same friends whose company I enjoyed when I had no responsibility to anyone but myself. I didn't suddenly want to move to the suburbs, join the country club, and vote Republican. Anyone who claims parenthood made them desire those things is lying; they always wanted those things and used their new responsibilities as an excuse to grow old prematurely.
It would be nice if being responsible for another human being magically rid you of your youthful narcissism, but sadly, we're surrounded by evidence that that's not true. Maybe it's different for a woman, who feels her child grow and move inside for months before meeting him/her face-to-face, but I doubt it -- outside the world of romance novels, fatherhood is the closest thing we have to love at first sight. Minutes after each of my children were born, I loved them no less than their mother, even though their existence was most theoretical to me prior to their birth. Like romantic love, however, parental love doesn't rid us of our selfish prerogatives. That takes work, and for most of us, it's a job that's never complete. I was 28 when my first child was born, so thankfully, some of that work was done before she arrived.
Being a parent has given me a longer and broader perspective. It creates connections with people I'd otherwise have no reason to know. It makes me care more deeply about the world -- a lot of the 3,000,000,000 people in the world who live on less than $2 a day are parents like me, and they have hopes and dreams for their children too. It also gives me a direct stake in the future of the world beyond my lifetime.
Of course, all this comes from my unique perspective -- if there's such a thing as a typical father of two, I'm not it. I was just reminded of this when my wife looked at the website for the "family karaoke" event we're attending this afternoon. My son (5) had his heart set on singing "I've Got the Feelin'" by James Brown, but the playlist seems dominated by kids' songs, plus crap from the likes of Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber. When my wife gently suggested that my son should have a second choice, he suggested "Gravedigger" by Dave Matthews Band. Oh well, I hope he still has a good time. I'm looking forward to the pizza, wings … and beer.
Perhaps this trivial example of my quixotic parenting style points to more profound differences between me and the norm. Maybe I'm all wet. Maybe the cliched, Hallmark-card version of parenthood is the typical one. But if you can't ever conceive of yourself fitting that mold, know there are other ways to be a parent. And while my life has its ups and downs, having my two kids is the best thing I've ever done, and spending time with them is the one thing in life that never fails to bring me joy.
